January is Decembers unpopular neighbour which is kind of a shame really; you cant choose your place in the calendar after all. I see January as a month to regather yourself and get on with stuff. Or try to in my case. My primary daily struggle is staying warm, anything else is a bonus. Decisions are being made though and time is marching on as it always will. My thoughts this month have looked to the past, to being 17, the age my youngest sister Laura is now. I have 3 sisters and can honestly say they are all my best friends, i’m so lucky and grateful to have them. My oldest Emma was always my role model, she was tall and thin while i was short and chubby. She is endlessly fascinated by the natural world; as a child she was always off exploring and climbing trees, i’d follow along copying her and actually once fell out of a really tall tree wearing her too big shoes! She inspired me to travel more than anyone or anything else did and i haven’t known life without her. Kathryn is my fellow middle child, we used to fight constantly as children, i always got the blame because i was older. Probably was to blame too. She is my opposite in practically every way but is such a sweet person and now we get along really well despite our many differences. She has grown to be such a strong little lady and has cultivated an amazing attitude of self love that i never could. Her love for animals, creativity, infectious laugh and kindness are a true blessing. Laura is the baby but has been like a little old lady since she was about 3, she is hilarious, kind and wise way beyond her years. She will turn 18 this year and begin her own life at University in Edinburgh. But first she has a few more adventures to plan. I worry about her doing things on her own, she isn’t like me in that respect, and i know she wouldn’t enjoy herself so im trying to impart a bit of my (limited but well meaning) knowledge on her, before she sets off. I was 8 when she was born, young enough for her to, essentially, be my doll but still old enough to remember her so vividly. I’ll never forget the excitement i felt when i met her for the first time. It was a sunny day in June; My papa picked my sisters and i up from school and drove us to the hospital. Eagerly rushing though a labyrinth of corridors, pushing open heavy doors and running up stairs, until there she was, at the window side of the ward in a little incubator. Tiny with bright orange hair sprouting from her wee head, like a baby orangutan. Admittedly i did also think she was rather red and gross as most newborns are, but i was captivated. Just a week after her birth, the sound of her cries propelled me to leap off the swing and rush to comfort her, only to trip over a skateboard on the way and break my wrist. That's true love eh?! I hope more than anything that her journey in life is more straightforward and simple than mine, that she finds the happiness and contentment that eludes me. But i hope she has as many adventures as i do and that we can have many more together. I always thought that by 26, i would have done so much more than i have, that i’d be more sorted and secure in both my life and myself. Sometimes i do feel embarrassed but i also know that, i have always acted from my heart. I did what felt best at me at the time. Has it led to a particular destination? No, but i don't think im actually destined to stop anywhere, i’m meant to keep seeking. I’m an odd one and that's okay. If I could teach her anything, it would be to go with your gut and be your true self. She already does actually, she’s more of a role model to me than i am to her quite honestly. As Laura reaches the age i was when i began adventuring, I cant help but reflect on my own life and question the choices I've made since. I couldn’t relate to most people my age, I was done with everyone and everything, school felt like a prison and my friends started to seem like strangers. It was me that changed though, not them, they were just being normal teenagers and i simply couldn’t follow along. I go my own way, always. I think i really wanted to prove that there was more to life than the well trodden path, that there was another way to happiness and fulfilment. But i wouldn’t say i was any success story or a poster child for taking a different route. Things never worked out how i thought, perhaps I went about things all wrong? I ran away to find answers before i tried finding them where i already was. Such is the power of wanderlust. But maybe i just listened to the part of myself, the quiet voice that we all have, that is often ignored, the part that yearns for something else and wont stop until it’s satisfied. Perhaps my inability to settle is not a flaw, but a gift. A virtue i’ll learn to cherish despite initially believing it to be a curse. Being yourself despite what others might think is so so important, the sooner we learn that, the better. There is are no wrong choices if they felt right at the time. Entering adulthood is a whirlwind of change, a swirling vortex of learning and unlearning. Seeing the world totally uncensored and largely alone, naturally, affected me deeply and made me question everything i’d ever know. I felt as if I needed to empty out and erase a lot of what i’d learned as a child, what i thought was importnat just felt so futile and pointless in the face of such blatent suffering. I imagine it like my life is a cup full to the brim with water, accumulated over many years from differnet sources and places, totally unique to me. I tipped it out, almost all of it and was left with a familar cup but none of the familiar information i‘d always relied on. An extreme reaction for an extreme realisation. Perhaps if i’d re-filled it with all that did matter to me instead of just emptying out all that i thought was unnecessary, i would have found balance. Acting rationally often eludes me. I dont just have a chipped cup anymore, i have broken teapots, cracked plates and odd cutlery too. Theres nothing to fill but fragments. Ideas that i’ve created then dismissed, things i believed in before changing my mind. I dont have a solid foundation to build my life on because im so transient and unsettled, it’s difficult to root myself to anything particular when i feel so displaced. I’m still figuring out what to pour back into my cup, learning how to be okay with who i am and how to reflect that in the way i live.
My life has been peppered with my own fear and doubts, it shouldn’t be but i carry the burden of scathing self criticism everyday and it’s freaking heavy. I became so obsessed with doing things either my way or no way that i was blinded and couldn’t see the potential of things that were right in front of me. I’ve been waiting for something my whole life, for the right time, the perfect place, the ideal opportunity or whatever and all thats done is stalled progress and joy that could have been found in the present. There is no perfect time, it’s now so wherever you are, be all there. Being this way is my own fault, i’m glad that it is. I’m glad that i have full responsbility for my self, that im free to make wrong decisions as many times as i like. That i will always put myself out into the world and face whatever comes at me as best as i can. Often not well at all but this is my story and i have to let it play out as it will, chapter by chapter. Fear and panic are parts of life, they are emotions and its how i deal with those feelings that has held me back. I know this, we all know this. It’s changing it thats the challenge. It’s a luxury to be able to learn and grow, truly it is and im grateful. So almost a month into 2019, i think i’m surrendering. I cant change what has happened, i can only move forward. I’ve regretted and fretted, worried myself to borderline insanity and it hasn’t achieved anything good, so im simply going to try letting it go. I’m not setting high expectations for myself anymore, im just going to keep going. Laura, you inspire me and i’d really like to be you when i grow up. I hope that you can learn from my mistakes, avoid making the same /ones and find as much joy in your life, as you bring to mine. I’d still jump off a swing, trip over a skateboard and break my wrist for you, every day.
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