Landing: noun- an instance of coming or bringing something to land, either from the air or from water. So im here, im here and im trying. The good things: endless beautiful beaches and warm sunny days. Lots of salad, acai bowls and some really nice people. Koalas, wallabies, abundant bird life. A new shell collection, numerous books. Somehow i only really read when i travel so its a real luxury. Its a funny thing to suddenly be on the other side of the world; i doubt it will ever stop amazing me that I can get on, essentially, a big metal machine and it will fly me across the earth. I’ve always been enamoured by magical and fairytales, Harry Potter and fantasy worlds but actually, what we have on earth i quite akin to magic in a lot of ways. I want to remember that. So, Australia. Its hot, its big and there's lots of beaches. But you cant always swim due to a dizzying array of things that may kill you- crocodiles, jellyfish, sharks and a cyclone creating mega waves to name but a few. I actually think its exactly how i imagined it would be. The mass crowds of backpackers here, i expected. They are not really the good kind of travellers. They are the kind that are shallow and empty, here to get drunk and nothing else. That's fine, we each have our own way to live but i’d rather we didn’t cross paths quite frankly.I have met some really lovely people and they are worth coming all this way for. When i fall into a spiral, i retreat into myself and avoid everyone, yet sharing experiences and stories with like minded souls is such an enriching part of life and one that I have sorely missed. So im trying to be more social and using this opportunity to seek connections. I’m not here to tick every tourist experience off a list and have my picture taken everywhere so that i can prove that im adventurous or brave or whatever the heck they want to portray. No thank you, i’ll pass on that. I like to quietly wander around, read my book and sip icy smoothies under a shaded tree. I know myself well enough after all these years to understand that i dont like tours, i have never really enjoyed any that i’ve been on so it would be a waste of my money. Thats okay. Its okay to be here for the sunshine. There is an adjustment period when i go anywhere, initial excitement and wonder then a quiet panic that gets louder. Did i do the right thing by coming here? Was this a good choice? It echoes in every corner my mind, ricocheting and booming in my thoughts. It can be a shock to quite suddenly be somewhere else entirely. The other side of the world. And yet, its so easy to just accept it and flow with it. Taking my routine with me is immensely helpful; i work out every morning no matter where i am and that grounds me and gives me a sense of place. Its so easy to get lost in what ifs but im here and i chose that and it would be frankly ungrateful and spoilt not to make the most of my time here. I might stay a year, i might stay 6 months, either way, it’s not a long time in the grand scheme of things. I have no ties, no debt, no commitments to anything. Exciting. Overwhelming too but i honestly do know how blessed i am, i just become so blinded by panic that i lose sight of evrything, good and bad.. I’m still searching, i haven’t quite landed yet. I travelled up Queensland seeking out my colony; arriving in Cairns in the tropical North, i still hadn’t found it. So I booked a flight West and i’ll continue my search over there. I’ve been a seeker this long, i refuse to settle if i don't have to. I know what im looking for and i believe that it is there, i have to believe that. Something compelled me travel all this way to a country that never really captivated me all that much; that seems to me like there was a calling, a siren song singing to me and beckoning me here. A belief in reason is vital, it keeps me hopeful. Its often the case that the places you’re sure you will love, you dont, and places that never really appealed before draw you in. Its the very nature of travel, you can only plan so much; being physically there is the only way you will know. You have take risks and chances and hope that it works out. Its a heavy toll for an anxious mind but i wont spend my life tip-toeing around myself, thats not living and if im here, i want to live fully, deeply and passionately.
These first weeks, things haven’t been flowing very well; i do blame myself as I think ive been blocking things and putting up barriers instead of building bridges and laying foundations. Its a habit i have. I’ve realised that I need more than just a nice beach, that’s all fine and well for a holiday but not to live. It’s a new experience for me to be travelling and able to stay and make a life for a while, im relishing that and being selective; i don't need to settle, not yet anyway (when my bank balance gets dangerously low, i'll settle!). Its still early days and im actually quietly proud of how i’ve adapted to hostel living, i actually kind of hate it but im doing it so there's merit in that, right? If i haven’t found the opportunity for me yet, its because i wasn’t meant to. Life is as much about timing as it is about learning. I have to value myself as a valid, deserving human and say no when something doesn’t feel right. And i have done that. One of my favourite song lyrics is “flying so you dont land” (Alexi Murdoch: song for you), it speaks to me on so many levels and i often find myself thinking that its exactly what i do. I keep moving so i don't have to land but i don't really want to anymore. To land is to arrive, fully with both feet planted firmly on the earth, safe, secure and grounded. It’s a feeling as much as a physical experience and is unmistakable. When you find your place, you’ll know you have landed. Keep seeking, your tribe awaits you somewhere.
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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