Today im not really talking about flowers, I cant find one that symbolises the complex warped corners of my mind. Maybe a twisted twig would do it. This has also taken a ridiculous amount of time to finish, its a case of having too much to say and struggling to put it eloquently. Hence this long winded verbiage coming at you... In a rare twist in my, often monotonous tale, I have allowed myself to fall through time. I surrendered to the frivolous nature of modern time travel. Really all i actually did was binge watch the Outlander series then started the books too, but that's unusual for me and i liked it. How blessed we are that we can click a few buttons and be transported to a whole new time and place or open a book and fall right into an imaginary world. This as close to time travel as we will actually get I think but it will do. I was actually sent another wee sign through this series: flowers and plants. The protagonist is somewhat of an herbalist and i find myself drawn into the plant world once more. I still dont exactly know what im supposed to do with the passion i have, but im happy just to have something to love. Now, I need to spill some thoughts, if I only I had a penseive it would be much easier, blasted real world problems... Lets us speak about this world of ours. Its going to be a long one. I have always had a black or white way of thinking and living; i love things then i hate them, i read nothing then i read all night long, im in perfect health or stuck down a hideous disease I go nowhere or I run to the wilds of Africa.. I struggle to find balance, my very being seems to resent it. I often wonder what the best way to deal with the brutality of life is; should we confront it face on and force ourselves to look the things we abhor straight in the eye? Or do we turn the other cheek and bury ourselves in whatever helps us to forget our earthly woes? How much good does either do really? As long as i can remember, i have always become emotionally invested far too easily. I feel the emotions of other people as if they are my own. Witnessing suffering hurts me deeply, be it physical or emotion pain I feel it too. Even If i was t watch an evocative film or read a book, i would be unable to shake its narrative from my mind and it would entwine itself with my own reality. I would want so badly to be a part of this unreal world that my own life could not fail to dull in comparison. Or I would be so affected by the story that I couldn't stop thinking about it I had hoped that i would grow out of this but its not the case. I adore stories and magic and folklore, far more than i adore real life. I just read this quote today and it hits the nail on the head: “You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.” -Emilie Autumn The first hand knowledge i have of the worlds suffering has undoubtedly changed me. Had i known, 6 years ago that embarking on my first adventure would ultimately change me so deeply, would i still have gone? A thousand times yes; conforming has never been an option for me. The easy path is simply not on my map. But maybe if i'd known, i could have prepared myself a bit better. A 17 year old girl came back an 18 year old woman with experiences far beyond my age; i'm sill struggling to fully embody this person. I had to grow up and take full responsibility for myself; it was terrifying at times but wonderfully liberating and empowering at others. The way I travel comes a price: its real and raw, uncensored for tourist eyes. I got the behind the scenes show. Its not always what you want to see. I was already a bit of an odd one and tried to live as ethically as I could. Taking myself out of the privileged, shielded middle class life I had always lived, opened my eyes to some stark realities and evoked huge feelings of guilt. No, I was not doing even nearly enough to live kindly. The colour of my skin, my nationality and my life made me feel ashamed. For a long time i was steadfastly determined that i would not give in to the silly whims of modern life; I didn't need stuff, I didnt need a home, i would not buy new clothes, I tried to avoid spending money at all costs, i would not even watch anything fictional as i needed to be fully present in the raw harsh reality of our Earth, i woudn't allow myself to merely entertain my daydreams. I stopped caring about music, about my appearance, about relationships on any level, about my own happiness. The things that made me who I was were suddenly pushed away and I was left quite empty and alone. all i knew was that our earth was hugely unjust and i felt very responsible. I frequently speak words of putting our own happiness first, but i do not believe they apply to me and i never have. How is one supposed to put their own ridiculous mental health problems first when they view them with such fury and contempt? How can i believe that making myself happy is important when half the world scarcely have food and water to drink? When innocent people and animals are tortured and maimed? When life is cheap and everyday, atrocities are committed against people, as if they have no feeling. When our earth is destroyed and so many don't care. That is important; what could be more so? I cannot turn a blind eye to all of that: it happens and i know it does and i am not okay with it. Not at all. What is my unhappiness in a world full of people with much more reasons to be so? Selfish, pathetic and not important. I have though, accepted tat I do need some of those things in order to be a part of the world. And like or not I am a part of it. So ive allowed myself a few liberties over time and yes it does feel better. I do still feel guilty. I think in a past life i was a witch; perhaps magic is in my roots. Outlander has witchcraft woven into the story and it fascinates me. I am certain that we know not of all that the earth can do. I do not believe that humans are the most important beings, i do not believe that this earthly existence is all there is; i do not believe that there is no magic to be found. These reasons and many more cause my extreme frustration with both myself and the human race. I look around me at a world so far removed from what is real and right; yes there are many good people and many wonderful things going on. But i cannot shake the feeling that we have pillaged and shattered the earth beyond repair. I sit here in a house full of stuff in a street full of houses in a town full of houses in a city full of houses in a country full of houses of stuff. A mere speck in the grand earthly scheme and that terrifies me .The extent to which humans have spread over the world taking as they please and leaving destruction is harrowingly depressing. Might i remind us that its the tenants that need the house, the house itself will do just fine without us. The earth is our home, the grass, the sky, the plants, the trees; how much more can it take before we are evicted? I'm not sure I want to find out. So yes, sometimes i do cave and allow myself to delve into a book or movie and i do not want to come out. Its safe there, in a world where i have no part, where the characters fates matter more to me than my own. Jenna is forgotten, my struggles but a distant memory, to be dealt with later. I constantly feel like my life is meant to be more than this, that i am meant to be more than this only i dont know how. Years pass and im still unsure of what my purpose is. I feel life so deeply, events reach deep down into my being and inscribe themselves in my soul. I cannot shake feelings once had, cannot let go of what is gone, cannot embrace the life that lies at my feet. I'm an adult but i have never felt like one, i feel more lost than i ever did, disillusioned by my own lofty expectations and those that society places upon me too. Perhaps, ive been looking in the wrong places all along. i just dont know anymore. Actually i've never known. Forgive me for numbing myself to the truths, for not knowing what to do about the injustice. I'm told that it is not my place to fix the world but i think it is. I am a citizen of the earth, surely it is as much my duty as anyone elses? Except, sometimes i feel like im the only one that cares this much, that I cannot just find a way to live without these suffocating feelings that i am not playing my part. I don't even understand the rules of this crazy game, the world is mad. I honestly have no conclusion either, I guess we all have to find a way to live that makes us feel okay; to acknowledge the challenges and do what we can, without closing our eyes to what's around us. Hopefully we can find a little comfort and joy along the way. Maybe. Thats my mind emptied for now; it will be full to the brim again in but a few short moments. Good job i have plenty more Outlander books to read. For that human folk, I am grateful.
0 Comments
Daisy: Innocence, childhood, sunshine & light Bellis are perennial flowering plants of the asteraceae or sunflower family. The group is native to Europe, the Mediterranean and Northern Africa. The daisy family is one of the largest families of flowering plants in terms of number of species. According to the Royal Botanical Gardens of Kew, the family comprises of more than 1,600 genera and 23,000 species. Daisies are characterized by a star shaped flower head, bright yellow centre and long, white petals. The name "Asteraceae" actually comes from the Greek, word Aster, meaning star. The most familiar is the common daisy, bellis perennis which looks exactly like that description. They mostly grow between 5-20cm high and produce one flower per slender stem. Bellis is the latin word for pretty. I love daisies. They are unpretentious, cute and cheerful. Such a well known flower cannot fail to have attracted many admirers hence giving it so many meanings and symbols. I've chosen the ones that I felt most appropriate, what I feel the daisy connotes most. My wonderful parents bought me a really cute little blue car, chosen by one of my equally wonderful sisters. Its not at all fancy or ostentatious, much like a daisy. So I called it so. I love her. I've been kinda terrified of driving for years after a few incidents with inconsiderate drivers. But its time to break through the fear and anxiety, to allow new doors to open and to move forward to new horizons. My mantra to conquer the fear is "it will give you wings" I'm littlebird and i feel like i have lost my wings so maybe this will help me get them back. Deep breaths, slow steps and kind thoughts. And some cute daisy stickers for some extra flower power. I think i've always had flowers in my soul; some of my earliest memories are of happy sun drenched days, making daisy chains on the grass. The sight of the little white blooms always takes me back to those days and the quiet joy it brought me. I actually think all my favourite flowers are all wild, the cultivated types are exquisite of course but i just adore the nonchalant energy of wild flowers. They chose to grow there, no one planted them and they feel no need to wait for permission. Their bold nature inspires me. A wild flowers beauty is understated and not their most important quality; they are life givers for bees and butterflies. They make the world go round. Pretty comes last. I think thats how humans are too, our looks are the least important part of us. We have no real control over them so why celebrate people for something that simply is? A compassionate heart, a brilliant mind, an artistic soul- these are all far more worthwhile traits to admire. A great figure and a face that society deems attractive? Nope, not on the same level. At all. Our body is our home so naturally we want it to look its best, but its what is in our homes that matters most. The outside is a shell, an armour that often really says nothing about what lies beneath. Dig deeper, look closer. I am very fortunate to have been invited back to the manor and its majestic gardens, to frolic amongst the flowers once again. I get them and they get me. In the meantime, im back home with a few projects and ideas to keep me busy until i head south again. My wanderings lead me to the dwellings of my old companions- forget me nots in the meadow, sweet peas by the hedgerow, rosebay's striking pink head peeking through the grasses. Last summer was when i really dove head first into the world of flowers so to see the flowers that captivated me first, in bloom again, is rather lovely. Its grounding actually and so comforting to know that some things are in life are constant. The world has gone a bit mad. More and more stories of violence and hate fill our airways and i dont want to know. Call me ignorant, selfish, uncompassionate, whatever; i just don't feel it necessary or conducive for change, to read about the sad things my fellow humans are doing to each other and the earth. I care, my gosh do i care, and that's precisely why its so hard to read these stories. More than ever, we have to try and be our best selves and be kind to everyone. Not just with our words or actions, our thoughts too.
“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it. A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” Roald Dahl I love that quote. Okay, back to our little daisy. A look into the etymology of its English name hints at its virtues. The word "daisy" is Old English for "day's eye". This could refer to one of two (or indeed both) events that occur in nature: the beginning of each day, which is illustrated by the daisy closing its petals in the evening, and opening at dawn to greet the day. Or the arrival of spring, when the daisy appears for the first time in the year. Both daybreak and spring are strongly connected to the power of the sun; Native Americans actually recognised the bright yellow centre as the sun itself and the white petals as the rays. A symbol of sun and all that it embodies- light, joy, warmth, vitality, life. Some regard daisies as weeds but i disagree; I believe its a daisies intrinsic role to sprout all over the grass to spread some cheer. That's why cutting them down doesn't work- they have a more important job to do that is far deeper than their pretty little faces would suggest. As well as providing food for insects, they have been used in the past by herbalists for their anti-inflammatory and astringent properties. Plus think of all the children that love to make daisy chains, just like i did. Lastly, In the Victorian era of the language of flowers, a daisy attached the message of "i share your sentiments". What joy it must have brought people to receive a bouquet from their sweetheart, bearing happy news. I'm smiling just thinking of it. Lets all remember to be kind, to find joy in each day and to prove our worth is far more than what we look like. A daisy is such a common sight, they barely receive a passing glance from most, but there huge depth to them, should we wish to discover it. Choose to see the good things. Choose to think happy thoughts. Choose to act kindly. Life will share your sentiments. |
LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
December 2021
Categories
All
|