This month has brought lots of wandering and wondering. Usually at the same time. Mays lighter days have gifted lots of little joys; small moments of beauty and stillness. I think that after a long dark winter, all the little moments are illuminated somewhat, spotlit by the still novel arrival of sunshine. The bluebells carpeting the woodland, sweet birdsong on a sunny morning, the smell of rainfall on parched earth, moments that fill your heart with pure joy. Sunshine must truly be lifes greatest pleasure. I’ve sunbathed, i JUMPED IN THE SEA! I've walked many more miles in my rapidly wearing shoes and lay in dappled flower meadows. Its been blissful. Kinda. I'm me so i still struggle even in the sun. God, im annoying. May is a month of abundant growth and explosive colour for sure. The roads are framed by brilliant green trees, their leaves bright and full. Suddenly the hedgerows are bursting with great swathes of frothy white cow parsley, pops of yellow buttercups, striking magenta silene, lime green smyrnium and pretty violet stems of bluebells. Vast banks of azaleas and rhododenrons, their bright teacup shaped flowers in a kaleidoscope of colours. Pale pink blossoms adorn the trees while tumbling clematis and trailing wisteria adorn the houses .The yarrow has started to bloom, aquilegia has popped up and foxgloves are breaking free ; the wild flower world is truly waking up again. The inner turmoil I feel is calmed by the beauty i notice all around me, it doesn’t dissipate it but it helps for sure. It's hard not to gasp at the sheer glory of it all. I do, frequently. Some of my months highlights:
I appreciate all these little things, i'm gathering them all up and holding them close. I need them on the dark days. Alas, while my wanders outside are a true joy; these quiet places deep in nature also awaken some dark thoughts. Mostly about how disappointed i am with myself, with the life i've chosen. I try to be present in the sunny moment i dwell in, but my mind likes to drag me deep into the archives of my past or else thrust me into the great vast unknown of my future. Regrets, worries, fears; nothing i'd like to think about really. Plus, I'm really sad that i dont have a garden of my own, a little green place to plant and nurture flowers. That feels like a failing on my part. Next year please can i have a garden?
As i traipse around the streets and the fields, longing for a green space of my own, wearing out my shoes and my soul in equal measure, i wonder if this will pass. This feeling of being a wanderer, a vagabond has become me. Its how ive felt while backpacking, staying with friends and volunteering; that the space I occupied was not quite my own. That creates such a horrible feeling of displacement and unease that i cant imagine will ever leave unless i find my own place. But that feels almost impossible; the whisper of doubt echoes through my mind; ive made too many mistakes, too many bad choices, its too late for me now. The life i long for is out of my reach. I'm destined to work shitty jobs for minimum wage, live in crappy shared accommodation and feel unsettled forever. Will i always be peeking over the fence and admiring life/gardens from afar? It really feels like the answer is yes but i hope its not. Today i went to a botanical illustration workshop; something that ive longed to do for a while. The artist was lovely and lived in a beautiful house adorned in her incredibly intricate drawings. It should have been a great few hours but all i could think as i sat there was how awful my drawings were, how unequipped with skill i was and how much i regretted not having a honed talent. Am i lazy? Is that why the thought of studying is so unappealing. Or is it the fear that im simply not good enough, that even trying would be fruitless. Am i too free spirited to be told what to do? I dont know. As June fast approaches and summer officially begins, im trying to remember to stop. To stand still and take in those little moments of joy before they pass. To smell the flowers, bask in the sunlight and marvel at the beauty that lies all around. While, the future might be a mystery, the present moment can be nothing but joy if we let it.
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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