Anchor, noun; a heavy object attached to a cable or chain and used to moor a ship to the sea bottom. It's come to my realisation that the anchor i seek is me. Or rather i hold it. While grasping for something to hold onto, i had forgotten that really there are only 2 choices. I could just stop, throw the anchor down, plant my feet and be still; rooted. Or i could prise it up and tie it to the helm, ready to set sail; un-tethered. I needed to decide for, if i am indeed the ship then i am also the anchor or at least i have one so its up to me. Again. Why must life be so full of decisions? Since i returned from Asia, my anchor has been neither lowered nor stowed; i’ve been carrying it my arms. I couldn’t drop it and stay nor could I decide whether to sail elsewhere, so i’ve been stood on the sandy shore, clutching a massive great metal beast of burden. The anchor is a physical metaphor for staying and settling and not going anywhere basically. So i’d rather just hold on to it and make no progress at all because i didn't know where the heck to go. I worry that making one choice means that ive turned my back on another. What if its the wrong one? I’m passionate about so many things, there's so much i’d love to do and be part of, deciding is so so hard and i genuinely dont know what feels right. But choosing nothing is absolutely the worst choice of all. This mindset has held me captive for years and stopped me from making choices because i was so damn scared that it wouldn’t be right again. But nothing is right or wrong, its only how we see it and react to it. Its slightly insane but there was a part of me didn’t want to move somewhere i cant take my acorns. Or my stash of shells, mosses, pine cones and dried flowers. They are my little tokens. But they can also be found almost anywhere so finding a new stash wouldn't be a great hardship. The most ridiculous reason in the world to not move!! Seriously. Just before i sank any further, I grabbed my anchor and hauled it on board, stowed and stashed for the voyage. Australia. I feel a literal weight lifted from my shoulders, a decision is made, a decision to leave. My favourite kind of decision. I love leaving. The journey ahead may be choppy, the anchor will be lowered and raised several times but at least im not bloody well holding the great metal beast in my arms and slowly sinking into the sand. I’m excited, i haven’t felt excited in months, just dread and panic. This is my world, leaving and exploring and starting again its what i do and i cant fight it anymore. There's no reason to stay here so i'm off. Who wants to be old and bitter and full of regrets? No one. I feel a need to get back on track, to live on my own terms simply and quietly. I want to be more environmentally conscious, i want to be more mindful and i want to be more creative. In retrospect, the life that i have been seeking for myself wasn't really what i want, it was a cop out and just me running away. I wanted to live in a tiny village all alone and just avoid all the things that stress me out but that's not living, that's not growing or learning, its hiding. I never found it because i wasn't meant to, i need to try more things, go more new places and meet people again. I know that because when i made the decision to go to Australia, it felt right. It was there all along i just chose to dismiss it because ts seemed too simple but maybe just this once, i could try going with the flow and choosing something a wee but easier? At least for a year anyway then i can run back to an early semi-retirement if i still want it.
For most of my life, i've been so overwhelmed by ideas of what i could do that i don't actually do anything. But here's the truth, i dont know what the heck i'm doing. I'm a bit strange, i love to be alone, i need to be free, i just want to be near near a beach.. and those things about me have created some strange choices. Its why i'm at this point in my life, still drifting and seeking, but who says this isn't where i'm meant to be? To travel is a privilege, its a wonder and a joy. The issue though, with travelling through so many countries, is that you really only get glimpses and snapshots of all these incredible places. Almost every city or country i’ve passed through has hooked me in somehow and made me wonder what it would be like to live there. Do those people sitting on the cobbled squares laughing and eating under the stars do that every night? Are they as happy and content as they seem? The tropical beach towns of rustic houses and sandy beach bars, are they the paradise they appear? Could i become as laid back as all these people if I lived there? You form ideas of what it would be like to live there but you’ll never actually know what its like so it will be forever glorified in your mind. Just a big magnetic question mark that you cant quite pull yourself away from yet actually going there isn't really an option, i would have loved to stay in California or Mexico or South Africa but how could i make a living? Going one place is an option though, i cant go everywhere all at once but i can choose one to try one. So that's what im doing, im going to try a new place, somewhere i wasn't all that sure i ever wanted to go but actually could go. I finished my hat, its all stitched up and currently on my head keeping it warm. I wont need it where im going though…. If nothing else then this blog has taught me that i see all my flaws, i see them all and im very much aware of them. Its helped me to see what was always there and in a small way, make sense of some of that. I’m an explorer and settling is not an option for me so off i go. See ya down under, mate.
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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