I went to Paris with mon petite soeur Laura. She's the total and complete embodiment of joy in a little ginger headed person. We walked 53 miles over 4 days, ate baguettes and ice cream, basked in the sun by the Sacre Coeur, invented our own stories for the art in the Louvre, marvelled at the majestic beauty of the Tour Eiffel as it twinkled in the twilight, sailed along the Seine and a million other things. C'etait tres belle. Travel is always inspiring and you can’t help but feel a little different each time your feet touch new earth, breathe new air or bask in the sun under another sky. I’m so privileged and grateful for my journeys. Honestly though, travel really does drain my batteries; when i returned from Paris i totally crashed out and felt a bit horrible. But its always worth it for the adventures and the memories. Now i’m back and yep, i dont know what to do next. Again. Deja vu. I'm embarrassed. As i’ve said before i have always wanted to be someone, to be out there in the world making a difference. Yet every time i was out there, my contributions never felt enough, i was always disappointed in myself. I wanted to start a charity, to be the positive change like so many of the people that inspire me but i've never done it. Here i am- a 24 year old woman with an eating disorder, anxiety and depression living in my parents house watching the weeks tick by, filling my days with whatever menial task i can, just so i don’t have to confront the suffocating feelings of my own failures. I know i’m not the worst person in the world but i am not the best version of me and i do not like it. Am i so scared that my own mark on the world wont be enough that i can’t even try? I never thought myself to be a coward but maybe i am. I dont want to be. I’m the girl that can travel the world all alone with nothing but a backpack and a thirst for adventure and somehow make it work. Yes it was hard and often unpleasant but i did it. Several times. I believed everything would be fine and mostly it was. When did i lose that belief in myself and the world? How do i get it back? I suppose writing these uncomfortable truths is a start. I wrote this mildly depressing poem while lying on my bed, where i can be found every night. Sometimes i do try to move and do some yoga but usually i just end up lying on the mat and staring at my wall. I noticed last night that my stenciling is all wonky then i was annoyed. Not very zen really; i think you need to do some asanas before shivassana. At least my mind still works a bit: Fall Sometimes i feel it, i remember The cool scent of autumn air, my favourite season approaching triggers The feeling of warm jumpers, crisp leaves, bright skies, memories of happiness Of excitement, peace even. Fleeting but present Trying to catch it, to preserve it before it falls like sand through my fingers. Gone again It’s still there but buried now, beneath the other grains, the suffocating feelings. A beach lies beneath my feet, a million thoughts scrambled, gathered, competing I pray that the joy returns, that it stays long enough to feel Like the sun beaming down through a clouded sky, a gap of blue Gifts warmth right through to your bones, to your very core. A lasting flame. Bask in it, allow it sink in, to fill you. The most precious treasure we can own. I’m a bit of an extremist. My feelings envelop me completely when they need to be felt. I need the cathartic release at times, i do feel a bit lighter getting stuff out. Ultimately i wanted to express both the way my depression manifests itself and my refusal to let it engulf me entirely. There is still so much that i love, that i want experience and want to live for. That makes me an incredibly fortunate person. A flawed, frustrating, complex one but a human nonetheless. It’s time for a new story, a new mantra, a new season. Here it is: my name is Jenna and i will not settle. I want a simple life but i do not want a small life. I want to help people, to explore, to laugh, to cry, to to experience everything the Earth has to offer because what else can we do here? What is the point of blindly existing when you can really live? I am so lucky to be here in this life so instead of feeling guilty and unworthy why not just embrace it and use the privileges to spread change? I’m going to make the Earth proud to have me as an earthling. I don’t know how or when but its going to happen, it’s not too late for me and it’s not too late for you. ‘Kay? As usual i've been thinking too much and I find myself drawn again to ethical consumerism and how we can live more sustainably. It’s so hard to know how to be kind to the earth when so much damage has been done. Its terrifying and i often feel so hopeless about it all. When i walk into a shop i don’t see clothes i see rails and rails of chemical dyed, toxic clothes made by underpaid and abused people. I see thousands of air miles and resources spent in the name of western greed and vanity. I see it, i hate it but i know that we all need clothes and we can’t really live without the privileges we have become accustomed to. If we stopped buying the stuff, industries would collapse and consequently people would suffer so what do you do? Your best. Be informed, be aware and be mindful. Please. As much as you can. Reading all this back i’m struck by how self centered i sound. Maybe i am but I suppose our lives are in fact centered around ourselves so it’s hard not to be. I want to do good things that will help the earth, the animals, the people and yes i want to feel happy and fulfilled myself too. Is it so bad to want that? Enough questions, i don't have answers. I really like Autumn time, it feels like a sigh of relief in someway. Time to reflect and refocus. The new season has sent me acorns everywhere i turn, from London to Paris to the streets around my house. Those little seeds with the whole world inside them are an emblem of my own infinite possibilities. I fully intend to be the vibrant multi colored version of me, i’m tired of the grey-scale. It may be fall but im going to do the very opposite this season; it's time to rise.
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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