Equinox: The Earth is tilted on its axis, meaning that as it orbits the Sun, the Sun illuminates the northern or southern hemisphere more depending on where the Earth is along its orbit. However, at two points in the year the Sun will illuminate the southern and southern hemispheres equally. These are known as the equinoxes. Autumn equinox fell on September 22nd this year. It's a nice word e-q-u-i-n-o-x. Lots of good sounds in there. September. The cusp of summer. Autumn equinox. Harvest moon. The last weeks of summer; light nights to be relished, sunshine to be savoured, warm breezes embraced. Winters gifts are never quite as pleasing. I’ve been moving around a wee bit, I was back in Edinburgh, home for a while, then at my older sisters in Ormskirk for a week too. It’s been nice to see new places, but it’s struck me how often I slot myself into other peoples lives. I mould myself to the situation, become a part of it. It’s not my life though. I’m a spectator, a spare part, a visitor. Always. It’s funny how different things look even after only a week away. Something shifts. As subtle as summer passing into autumn. Slowly until one day the fading light and falling leaves become evident. Kind of like this year really, we stood still waiting for the crazy to pass, now it’s almost October. The same can be said for my life; my twenties started slow, now the years are suddenly passing by very fast. Yikes. Take time to be fully in your life, pay attention, appreciate the present. We always know this but only realise it too late. Why is it so hard? I find myself desperate to both move forward and longing for the past at the same time. Always an antithesis with me. By exiting in this odd limbo, I achieve nothing. I can't go back. I don't know how to move forward. I stay still. No, I stay stuck. I'm a broken record, I never seem to change. It's depressing. Embarrassing. Confusing. Terrifying. It's been a warm September. The leaves are falling, turning crisp burnt amber but the blue skies and mild air linger. Summer is not ready to pass the baton to autumn just yet; it's squeezing every last drop out of the season. Relishing the time at hand. Good for you Summer. Last weekend, we went to the Lake District for a walk on a sun- drenched Saturday. It was glorious. The hills were carpeted in ferns, their usual vibrant green had faded to burnt orange, turning the whole scene very autumnal. It was nice to amble along under the brilliant blue sky, collecting acorns, just walking and admiring the scenery. Nowhere to be but the present. Quite happy to be there. I wish I felt that way more often. It was a farewell to summer; the air turned crisp in the days that followed. Our mind can be an ally through life or it can be an enemy, that much I know is undoubtedly true. If I feel okay then my racing thoughts calm down and behave but one small thing can flick the switch into dark mode and there’s no knowing how long i’ll dwell there. My mind does it so quickly. Without permission or warrant. I’d really like to move forward with purpose and confidence instead of drifting with the passing seasons, as transient and fleeting as the wind. Insignificant and invisible. I’ve been writing this blog journal thing for 5 years and I’m as lost now as I was then. What does that say about me? Not good things. Not good at all. I suppose I thought I might actually get my shit together and be able to write about that. Instead, I chase myself round in circles, repeating mistakes without really learning anything. I don't honestly know where I went so wrong, I think I'm what happens when you have zero belief in yourself and you become so scared that everyone else will see what you see. It stops you in your tracks, the fear is so cripplingly real, so loud and heavy to carry that pushing through it seems impossible. So the fear holds you down and stops you from walking freely into your future. It's my fear, I created it but getting rid of it is proving impossible. I am a literal nightmare.
Another summer gone until next year; what will the world look like then? Better, worse, the same? What about me; better, worse, the same? No one can say. I guess nothing is ever truly the same, every second is unique, every minute passes only once, the days, the weeks, the seasons; they come and go with quiet consistency, but they don't ever come again. That's actually quite a harrowing thought if you let it digest. Watch the trees, observe the wildflowers, feel the breeze; let their transformations be a reminder of how fleeting our moments actually are. We don't always have to enjoy them but lets try to acknowledge what is there. Later comes later, now is now. Be present.
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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