Snow: Accumulation It all got a bit wintry here earlier this week. Mother nature spread a white fluffy blanket all over Scotland and tucked us in at the corners. A new energy settled in, an excited calmness of sorts, that only the arrival of snowfall can bring. Snow: In literature fresh snow is typically symbolic of tranquility and purity, while melting snow represents new beginnings. I find both of these to be true but on reflection, i think snow represents accumulation: a mass or quantity of something that has gradually gathered or been acquired. As i thought about it more, observing the sparkling white world around me, I was struck by how astounding it is that tiny flecks of ice can cover the earth so completely. Not one snowflake of course, but millions of them all falling as one, uniting, accumulating. Get it? Snow is missunderstood. We tend to associate it with freezing cold weather but actually, it wont snow if its too cold. My dad has a sixth sense when it comes to weather, he just knows these things. Snow begins when the temperature high up in the Earth's atmosphere drops below freezing.The cold air freezes water droplets into an ice crystal. As more water collects on the ice crystal, it freezes, making it heavy which then causes the ice crystal to fall from the sky. A snowflake. Each snowflakes is composed of 180 billion molecules of water. No two snowflakes will ever be the same. Like people. This is why i love learning about nature; everything is so much more complex and beautiful than I originally thought. Each snowflake is significant, unique, intricate; beginning it's incredible journey long before it presents itself on our Earth. I feel like i'm constantly being challenged to look closer,to dig deeper, to find the meaning. It's always there. The sight of the world as we know it, shrouded in snow can change our mundane reality for the better. We can see life in a new light; suddenly everything is beautiful. What a gift that is. I know how easy it is to get stuck believing that our world is a dark, depressing place. In many ways it is but its also so full of love and light, it all depends on how we look at it. Its so vitally important to find reasons to smile and feel joy every single day. I don't do this nearly enough and its not doing me any good at all. Today as i walked around Edinburgh, a man stopped to ask me for directions; i was pretty lost myself but i got my map out and tried to help. I decided to give him my map because i thought he might need it and he was so grateful. Little acts of kindness literally make us glow. Collect these moments in the same way snowflakes gather on the earth- each little one can seem insignificant but they are all vital in building something so much greater. With a little time, all of these small acts will build up and happiness might just settle over your life. I like to think of happiness in this way; a collection lots of little events or moments or thoughts that gather, grouped together in hope and joy. My current state of mind is not good. At all. Whenever people are nice to me, i instantly feel guilty because i dont think i deserve even a tiny bit of kindness. I don't know why i inherently believe that i am a bad person but that's how i feel. Nothing i do is ever good enough or even enough so my everyday is just a struggle to stop myself from drowning in all my own demons. I'm still going though and i'm collecting my happy moments and clinging to them. Holding them close and inhaling the familiar scents of all that is dear to me. Remembering that i have so many things i love and care about sparks a fire of gratitude and my days feel brighter. Sometimes.
I like running on snow, i like the crunch it makes, i like leaving footprints and i like looking up and watching the snowflakes fall. The air feels fresh and clean and rejuvenating. For the first few hours when the snow has just fallen, the whole earth feels so still and calm. The concrete and ugliness are gone; hidden by a delicate army of ice crystals that fell together and veiled the Earth in shimmering snow. Thanks little guys. Underneath it all, there is still magic to be found every day. The birds keep singing and the grass keeps growing, despite being covered in frost. That's a miracle in my eyes. Don't lose sight of the little things.
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Lichen: Solitude A lichen is an associated organism, meaning two very different beings, an alga and a fungus, live together producing a new body- the lichen thallus. Lichens come in many colors, sizes, and forms. The properties are sometimes plant-like, but lichens are not plants. Though they may look like and grow alongside mosses, lichens are not related to mosses or any plant. They do not have roots that absorb water and nutrients as plants do but like plants, they produce their own food by photosynthesis using sunlight energy, from carbon dioxide, water and minerals in their environment. A macrolichen is a lichen that is either bush-like or leafy; all other lichens are termed microlichens. It is estimated that 6% of Earth's land surface is covered by lichen. I like the word lichen, its fun to say. If I had a little creature I would call it Lichen maybe. More than a week into 2016 and, well its better than 2015 but I am not happy. I dont know why, happiness just eludes me at the moment (actually all the moments)and all I want is curl up on my bed reading Harry Potter fan fiction. I think I may be trying to escape my reality. My reality is not at all bad. It's just doesn't feel right. Maybe its depression or anxiety, i dont much care for labels, but i cannot shake this horrible feeling of panic; life does not excite me, its something i have to endure. Sorry. I wanted this blog to be a place of hope and positivity but also transparent truth. So i must write from my soul. My job has me wandering all over Glasgow chatting to people about chocolate so that's all good but at my core, I don't feel like I deserve the job and someone/ anyone would do it so much better than me. That being said, I am working hard and doing my best so how much more can I ask of myself really? I also cant stand living in Glasgow, I miss sunshine and walking barefoot and visiting markets bursting with life and palm fringed beaches and falling asleep under the sun. I miss being out in the world; its where I belong. Typical western living is just not for me, it feels all wrong and I feel all wrong. I just have no desire for stuff, for wealth, for status, for power; I want something so much more real. When people speak of dreams of winning the lottery, I just cant relate. What would I do with it? I'd probably give it away but I just dont want that responsibilty. I'd just like a tiny little cottage and freedom. I want to eat food that grew in my own little garden and swim in the ocean and read books. Did i mention sun? I want every little thing in my life to have a story, a meaning. What is the point in all the stuff? I struggle to see the point in a lot of things. Ah, yes lichen. It represents solitude and given that it has adapted to survive in some of the most extreme environments on earth, growing abundantly on arctic tundra, on top of soil, inside solid rock and on just about any other surface that most other organisms cant survive on; i'd say lichen was a bit of a lone wolf. A renegade if you will. Like me. Some lichen do not even grow on anything, they just live their lives blowing about in the wind. Yep, i'm lichen. To say I like my solitutde would be a mammoth understatement. I need solitude. So, I am often alone, I barely notice it anymore. A few times on my travels, well meaning locals would say things like “oh you have no friends” or “you are only one?” To which I would proudly answer yes. I was trying to choose a photo that represented me in solitude and I decided me on a beach in South Africa was pretty good. I had decided to avoid buses and walk along the coastline for a few days with all i owned on my my back. It was wonderful and had it been possible I would have carried on. Walking under the sun surrounded by beauty, I never feel alone. Nature is my friend and she is all I need, right? I read the book “Into The Wild” years ago and many of the words could have come from my own mouth. Yet it has a sad ending and Christopher McCandless' last words were "happiness is only real when shared". With everything, there must be balance. Lichen grows in places where the air is pure and clean. In places where there is more nature than mankind, it can flourish from sea level to high alpine areas on almost any surface including on bark and leaves.My kind of places. Every time I see it thriving, I remember that and I know i'm in a safe place. To get away from all that is concrete and unnatural is just so important for every one of us, we are a part of nature and living lives in artificial spaces causes huge disconnect. That's why it feels so good to walk in a forest or skip through meadows or meander along a beach. It's where we, little earthlings belong; in nature we are home. I'm planning a trip this year, I will most likely go alone and the thought of a break from life is keeping me going. All last year I kept meaning to go somewhere then deciding I should stay and be an adult then getting itchy feet again then being too worried about money and not having a decent running route and drowning in anxiety because of it. Then i felt so ridiculous and angry at myself for being so irrational that i didn't even want to go on an adventure with myself anyway. No decision comes easy for me, theres a lot I have to consider. Anyone want to be me?
I dont think being a solitary person is a bad thing but as usual with me, I am probably (certainly) alone far too much. I think i need it that way, i'm still struggling to have a civil relationship with myself so im not very good at having friends. Maybe that will change, maybe it wont. Its widely expressed now that a relationship with yourself is the most one important you will ever have so learning to be alone and enjoying your own company is undeniably vital. There's a verse in one of my favourite poems that mirrors this: "I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments" The Invitation, Oriah Mountain Dreamer We enter this world alone and we are the only ones that will accompany us on the entire journey of our lives. Best make friends and enjoy the quiet moments, the moments when there is only you. In my quest for balance, I am trying to be less alone because I find little peace in my solitude anymore, its simply how I exist. Companionship is equally as important. I'm told. Find the balance, seek your truth, life authentically. If you manage this, please do tell me how. |
LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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