For 6 months I’ve struggled to return to this space. The months slipped by before i’ve had a chance to catch them. The world has changed and i’m even more unsure of what my place amongst it actually is. I’ve missed writing so much, I stopped because i felt like i had nothing of interest to write about. I felt like I was just nothing. I’ve started so many posts but abandoned them because i think that might be my thing. What’s done is done, half this year is gone and i haven’t made the most of it, i can choose to hate myself for that and continue as i have been or I can try hard to make the next half better. Trying to organise and understand my thoughts has not been an easy process but I had to start somewhere, so i’m starting here, right now; finishing something and releasing some stuff. Australia. That feels like a different lifetime now, a distant sun drenched dream. I really did think that this time coming home would be different, I felt ready to try something else, to have some stability for a while. My last month in Australia was probably the happiest I’ve felt in years. Yet, very quickly I spiralled back into a dark place and i’ve been hiding there since. The feeling of everyone else being busy and me being a waste of space, a nobody has been plaguing me since i got home (and indeed most of my life). I came back to nothing, no life, no plan and no idea. Everytime i think i’ve moved forward, learned a lesson, ticked a box, I end up taking another 10 steps back. I can't help but compare myself to other people who are just living life, getting on with it, making decisions and creating the lives they want. Why can't i do that? These thought are painful because they run deep, I don't like to voice them but I need to. What I’ve been doing is not working. At all. Avoiding the harsh truths just allows them to gather momentum and morph into a bigger louder monster. A beast of burden. I wonder what it feels like to be truly free. To not question, regret and worry that your choices are wrong and so are you. I don't know how to exist in a world that I feel has no space for me. I do change, I move countries, I try new things, I push myself yet i always end up back here. I return because i can't go forward, my roads end and the only way is back. But i don't want to keep going back. Nor do i want to stall any longer. I make these decisions, this is all on me. I’ve never settled into my life, I don't have a normal; it changes so frequently or is on the cusp of changing meaning I can never feel like I’ve truly landed. There’s no stability, no real progress, no development. There is stagnant anxiety and heightened expectation of the next thing. Will the next thing be THE thing? Does it exist? Do I exist. Sometimes I wonder. Where do the people we hoped we would be go? How can we turn out so different than we hoped, imagined, expected. My life feels like its not really mine, it can't possibly be. The years are passing and sometimes I feel like i’m not invited along with them, I merely float along like flotsam in the tide. My destination nor my journey within my control. I don’t know how this happens again and again, I haul myself out of the surf only to fall back in. Dragged down and out of control. I don’t know how to get out of this cycle, maybe i jump in myself? Safer to be tossed around, leaving decisions to the sea, than to finally learn how to steer my own ship through the storms.
Worldwide lockdown. Who saw that one coming? Total mindfuck. For me, as my own experience is the only one i can talk about with any confidence, this has been a nightmare. The virus itself hasn’t affected me or anyone i know directly and I know how fortunate I am for that but it's still not been an easy time for anyone. I’m grateful for my family, the garden and many other things but ultimately, I’ve been trapped and that’s my personal hell. No money and no way to make any, no plan and no idea what to do, no way forward or through or around this strange situation. The days keep coming and I simply cannot feel inspired or motivated to anything but go through the motions. I wake up already disappointed with myself and the day begins there on that sorry note. I’m so lost, i feel like i have no control over my life, more so than ever before. I worry that my whole life has been a series of mistakes and I cannot shake the feelings of shame and guilt. Same old stuff. Where did I go so wrong? Because I did go wrong, I've failed at my own life. This year I simply stopped trying, it all seems so pointless. The world is a mess, i'm a mess, what can i possibly do? I need action. Only right now, action is not possible. We all have to sit tight and ride this out. Not only do I feel out of control, but I am also literally out of control. All the time I wasted being the one putting up barriers, talking myself out of decisions, telling myself not to bother because i wasn’t good enough anyway. Why? Why do I have so little faith in myself that I genuinely feel like nothing? We only have right now and to neglect the present is to allow it to slip, prematurely into the past. To join the years of doubts and worries, regrets and wasted time. I try not to dwell on all the time passed without substance or purpose. Those vacuous empty days of vapour and smoke, whispers of a life well lived. I have to let it go. I have to learn how to move forward. To remember my virtues and collect my self esteem from the floor. Dust it off, shake it out. I’ve forgotten how to feel free, i’ve forgotten myself. That happens far too often. I need to hold tight to my stories, they are mine and they need to be told. Release, exhale, forgive, move on. This is my return to a part of me that i’ve really missed; i’m hoping that the rest of me will wake up and rejoin the quest for my existence soon. Small steps, deep breaths, perspective.
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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