Lets start again. I have begun so many posts now only to rejected them that its getting quite frankly ridiculous. My fear of commiment evidently extends even to this tiny wee online space. I am tired. I am tired of myself. Exhausted, depleted, frustrated. Anxious with nothing to do, anxious with lots too do, overwhelmed by nothing, overwhelmed by everything. Its a torturous way to live. I sometimes cant even fathom how i made it through days, let alone years. 2015 has passed in a blur and not a particularly good one. My life is not bad, there is no such thing as a bad life but i make mine so arduous. Me, moi, yours truly; its all down to to myself and i know that. I know all that shit, i preach it daily but i cant seem to apply any of my own wisdom to my own life. As 2016 beckons before me, my aim is solely to find balance. There will be no new me come New Year; i will always come along so better to just strive for a less extreme mindset and more rational thought patterns. Please and thank you. I recently discovered these photos on an old memory card from Nepal. These were taken on my final days in the mystic home of the Himalayas; i walked through dusty, pollutued Kathmandu to visit Swayambhunath, the monkey temple. Thinking of 18 year old me wandering happily amongst the monkeys hopefully snapping away, despite the broken focus on my lens, makes me want to cry. I dont know if who i am now would be able to be fully present there and appreciate it. That's sad. Its a strange concept; to go forward in order to go back but i think thats ultimately what im trying to do. To re-find the part that got lost, collect it then skip merrily along the path of life. I thought i found it but i guess i lost it again. I should be more careful with myself. I find myself missing something i never knew i had. I miss someone from my past, miss travelling and exploring and seeing new places. I've locked myslef in a dark cave and i dont know if this version of me can be the intrepid traveller anymore. Without that part of me, im lost. I dont know who i am. All the things i used to love no longer bring me as much joy; honestly i cant even get off my bed most nights. I get up to run and go about my day but by night i cant function anymore. Im done pretending that I can deal with life. I dont believe it. I dont feel okay. Overwhelming, smothering panic engulfs me daily and i sometimes cant run fast enough to escape. I know the things that help- silence, nature, solitutde but thats not real life, i can't retreat from reality and live in a bubble. It might feel safe but what happens when something threatens my fragile little fortress? I panic again.
In times of stress it would make perfect sense to do things that make you feel better but i dont. Nope i just while away hours reading nonsense on the internet and panicking about not being more productive or creative. Why not do some yoga, read or start any of the 2 million craft projects I've been meaning to do? IdontknowIdontknowIdontknow. Deep breaths. Then a few more. And repeat. I dont feel scared about the coming year, im happy to say goodbye to 2015 and let what has happened rest. I'm grateful for the challenges; for the lessons learned or not learned, for the people that wove in and out of the tapestry of my life; for discovering a deep love of flowers; for finding a voice through this blog; for being allowed time to be broken and empty and scared. I'm still those things a bit but i end this year a lot better than i started i promise. I know that i can both escape and embrace myself if i allow it. Its all in my hands. I think that maybe i trust myself to pull through and find some sunshine again. Faith & trust & pixie dust. Enjoy the happy monkey photos and may 2016 bring you more boundless joy and gratitude than any other year. I dont know if gratitude creates joy or joy creates gratitude but either way the two are undeniably entwined and connected so when you find one you will also gain the other. Thats balance for you right there.
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Eucalyptus: Protection A diverse genus of flowering trees and shrubs in the myrtle family, Myrtaceae. There are over 700 species mostly native to Australia where they are also called Gum Trees. The oil is used extensively in aromatherapy and in many medicinal products too. Also, as i have discovered, its used widely in floristry as the leaves are very pretty and long lasting (they are mostly evergreen).The Language of Flowers cites its meaning as that of protection alongside ancient beliefs that the tree holds healing and protective qualities. The tree produces very pretty flowers that i have yet to see in real life but i hope to! I keep wanting to write about flowers but trees are whispering to me and I cant ignore them. That would be rude. Even this week when I started some working at a florist with a plethora of beautiful flowers, all i could focus on was Eucalyptus. The seeds, the leaves, the scent. It followed me from Logan to Glasgow; that comforts me more than i can understand. I dont know about you but im not feeling too safe currently; the world is up in arms and its terrifying. With so much hatred and violence swirling around our Earth, im struggling a bit. Maybe you are too, lets run away to a happy meadow and forget about all this wild place we call home. It feel less familiar to me every day. I first met Mr. Eucalyptus at the door of Pine cottage, my home for the last 4 weeks. At first, I thought the strange seed things were acorns, but I swiftly discovered that they are actually eucalyptus seed pods. The gardens were strewn with numerous species of eucalyptus tree. Their leaves make a whispery, rustling sound as they blow in the wind; the bark looks like camouflage and there is a real rounded gentleness about them. I felt like my time in the gardens was incredibly healing and i do believe that the plants and trees were largely responsible; the abundance of Eucs surrounded me with their protective energy which allowed me to heal. Now i think about it, koalas spend their days munching through Eucalyptus bark and they look pretty chilled out and happy. Animals just get it. Anyway, I kept finding the seeds everywhere and collecting them; its gone the same way as my acorn habit.... I've been giving little clusters of pods to my little circle of humans to remind them that they are protected. Belief is a very powerful tool. I am guided. I am protected. I am safe That's my new mantra. Repeat until message sinks in Then repeat some more. For some reason I am always on high alert, i've been described as looking tortured and like a deer in the headlights before. It doesn't help that my pupils are naturally huge and that the past few years of my life I have honestly felt completely on edge. I guess travelling in remote places all alone will do that to you. Its difficult to let that mindset go and allow myself to even feel secure in my own body, never mind in my own life. Feeling protected is like being shrouded in a warm fluffy blanket all the time. When we feel safe, we feel calm and that's when the healing happens. We are able to receive it. When not feeling stressed and anxious, the need to use detructive habits disappears and suddenly the world opens up. Its allowing oursleves to feel calm thats the hard bit. There's always something uncertain and scary in our lives. That not a bad thing but it can be overwhleming so our minds believe it to be bad. There is so much uncertainty in life and that is the nature of it. Nothing we can do about it. Deepak Chopras website has lovely daily inspirations; a few days ago it was “Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security” I let that circle round my head all day and it made more sense as the hours ticked by. I'm back home now and far away fom Eucalyptus trees but I have a full jar of seed pods sitting on my desk watching over me. I dont love being back here, I find it difficult to be around so many people (my family are my absolute favourites, its just a bit of a mad house here) with so much going on. I would really like to live in a tiny cottage by the sea and grow all my own vegetables and flowers and craft all day and run on the beach and sit by a log fire in the evening. The traveller in me is tired and weary and just wants safety and comfort. I'm striving to allow myself that as i feel that it may just be my salvation.
That feeling of being protetced is so special, its stops the all consuming anxiety from taking over. Thats not to say its isnt there, it is, but it lingers softly in the background and i can choose to ignore it if I want to. And I do want to. Waiting for the next step is never easy, its in my nature to try to plan everything out and be in control of each step. That is not how life works and I do know that. Its a waiting game. I dont really want to play. Its obligatory though, like board games at Christmas. Noticing little signs when i don't expect them, serves as a reminder, not just of being protected, but of being able to cope when I feel exposed and scared. Which is often/ always. Right now i dont feel at all able but i know that can change in an instant. I have to keep believing and hoping and playing the game; spot the eucalyptus. |
LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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