The truth will set you free
This morning as i headed out for a run, I decided to put a closed poppy head into a fresh vase of water; I came back less than an hour later to find a little pink bloom had blossomed. Like magic. And a visual proof of the infinite possibility that lies within us all. I feel better today, life feels more bearable. The kind, gentle voices of the fairies have followed me all day. Thank you.
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Foxgloves: a wish; insincerity Digitalis is a genus of 20 herbaceous, perennials,shrubs, and biennials; commonly called foxgloves. Digitalis is native to Europe West and Central Asia, Australasia and Northwest Africa though some species are also cultivated and grown as ornamental plant s due to their striking appearance. Foxglove flowers are tubular and grow on a long stalk; the colours range from white to pale pinks, peaches and bright purples, often the flowers are spotted and patterned as well. The most commonly known species is the digitalis purpuea which is the one that is growing wild all over the place right now. Foxgloves tend to grow in acidic soils and can thrive in either deep shade or partial sunlight. Their adaptability allows them to survive in many different habitats from open woodland to moorland, clifftops mountain slopes, hedgerows and also seemingly barren areas such as cleared or burned woodlands. Digitalis literally translates as finger-like, in reference to the shape of the flowers heads which could easily be slipped onto a human finger. Much like a thimble. Best watch out for bees though, they are often hiding in there. I've picked a lot of foxgloves this week, they seem to have suddenly popped up all over the gardens in a kaleidoscope of colours. They are so cool and definitely look a bit magical to me. The bees and butterflies love foxgloves; its said that fairy folk also love them and will live in your garden if you plant some where you wish. Many people used to believe that taking foxglove tincture would allow them to communicate with fairies; that may well have been true but digitalis is also highly poisonous so best not to try that...Illustrations of beautiful little fairies often depict them wearing a foxglove bell as a hat, this was said to be effective in breaking the enchanted connection with humans, should they wish to. The language of flowers cites 2 rather contrasting meanings, wishes connote hope and positivity and magic while insincerity conjures ideas of lies and pretense. Maybe what we have to take from that is that our true wishes are our deep truths; If we wish for something that is not really what lies deep in our souls, a lot of money perhaps, then we will never get it. Conversely, wishing for peace and happiness is a much more worthwhile and viable dream. Some would think it was easier too but in this mad world, its not really the case. Well for some it is; here's to many more of our heart felt wishes being granted. Despite the strangely cloudy and wet weather, Summer is upon us. The sun rises long before 5 and sticks around until after 10 some nights. It would appear that the sun cannot bare to part from the earth, she wants every last minute she can get. What a wonderful way to live: to be so in love with life. For me, its a huge relief when the days end: I made it through another one somehow. That's the first of many truths I want to voice today. Perhaps the greatest gift the earth grants us is tomorrow. We get a chance to start over and live another day. I want to appreciate this more and embody the gratitude i feel in my heart. My actions don't reflect who i am, my fears and anxieties dictate my actions (my thoughts, my days, my life) and i'm so tired of it. I pretend that its all okay and that i'm doing great. That is insincere. A lie in fact. I wage a war daily with anxiety, depression and bulimia. The shame of it drives me crazy. I'm also so incredibly lost and have no idea what to do with my life, nothing seems to be working out which i'm sure is my fault. Sometimes I just dont feel like there is a place for me on this earth, my existence is so damn difficult and i dont know why. So there it is. No one can judge me as harshly as i judge myself. No one can hate me as much as i hate me. I'm sorry, I really am so sorry; i feel like a huge waste of oxygen on this planet. Every day i struggle to cope and despise the way i live; it eats away at my battered soul and i feel so worthless and empty. I'm on edge constantly and unable to relax at all so I numb myself out with food, just to get a little comfort. This is so hard to write, I never wanted anyone to know these things about me. But I have to let it out in order to let it go. To my credit, I never stop trying; I surround myself with flowers, I get outside, I give myself tasks and sometimes its enough. Usually not. I know all about the power of garden therapy and I wish it was the remedy for me, but sadly its not working currently. It might though! Despite all my darkness, I know the light is there and I can find it one day. People are not always as they seem. Many of us fight very secret battles and perhaps the way to victory is simply to remove the secrecy. Allow your whole self to be seen.
I try to write this blog in an honest way without giving away the full extent of my problems because im just so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of them. I'm a seeker of truths, so I must speak my own truths, regardless of how hard it is. I'm sat here in my room with the sun streaming through my window and asking whoever reads this to please know that its okay to be you. Please just be you. Right now, honestly, i'm hating myself for being inside even though I was out from 6am until 2pm, running, weeding, picking flowers and a whole lot more. In my mind its not enough, i'm being lazy. The little fairy voice just wants me to relax and write this but the big mean human one is screaming at me that I am not enough and never will be. That I am in fact wrong in every single way. It also kindly tells me that my photos are terrible. SHUT UP PLEASE. So now that i'm being sincere let us speak of wishes. I wish i could live in alignment with my soul. That I could be the person I know I am. That i was brave enough to stop fighting the battles that don't need to be fought and start fighting the ones that do. To embrace myself the way i am. I wish that the earth was a kinder, happier place; i wish that no one had to suffer. I wish that the world was all peace and love and joy. But we know that all we can control is our own lives so surely allowing those things for ourselves is important. Maybe we should all put on little foxglove hats, to break the enchantments we have over ourselves; fairies truly embody all that is good on this earth. Faith & mischief & wishes & freedom & magic. Iris: a message
Iris is a genus of 300 flowering plants with flamboyant flowers. Irises are perennials plants that grow from underground rhizomes or bulbs in drier regions. Their name is derived from the Greek word for rainbow. aptly named as they tend to be very vibrant. They have long straight, sturdy stems with flowers blooming in the shape of a fan and containing at least one 6 lobed symmetrical flower. They look very exotic and intricate to me, its hard to explain them so look at the photos. There are of course hundreds of species but that's the general idea. They are extensively grown as ornamental plants and are mostly found in the temperate Northern hemisphere of Europe, Asia and North America. This afternoon, I ambled down the spiral staircase to find a book to flick through. Amongst a pile of interiors magazines, i came upon "Superhints for life" compiled by none other than Lady Wardington. I am currently living in Wardington Manor and although the Wardington family have moved on, I've heard stories about them. Lady Audrey Wardington was quite a beauty; she reportedly applied for a job with the BBC and was unsuccessful as she was “too sophisticated and severely beautiful...” and in case she “alarmed timid men from Wigan and country districts”. I'm told she was a lovely lady and she made a life for herself without the BBC so it was their loss entirely! This particular little book was produced to raise funds for a local hospice. I've only read the introduction and a few quotes, mostly they are just funny little pieces of life advice, but the foreword quoted this: "Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." It's an excerpt from Desiderata, a 1927 prose piece written by Max Ehrmann. What beautiful timeless advice. The language of flowers cites iris to simply mean, a message. The manor grounds are strewn with striking violet irises, maybe even planted by Lady Wardington herself. This week i've drifted through the beds on numerous occasions picking and pruning surrounded by their intoxicating scent. It would appear that the irises had a message for me. I cant help but think that something guided me to the dusty corner of the hall to find this very book, maybe Lady Wardington, maybe the Universe. I have a rather short attention span but i needed only to read the very first page to find words that so felt like they were for my ears, at this exact time. A wonderful gift when i needed it most. Thank you. Lily of the valley- return of happiness Lily of the valley: Convallaria majalis is a sweetly scented though highly poisonous woodland flowering plant, native throughout the temperate northern hemisphere of Asia and Europe. It flowers in late spring, often covering vast areas of ground due to its extensive underground rhizomes that cause it to spread. The stems grow to around 15-30 cm high, the leaves are roughly the same height. The flowers are pure white (very rarely pink) and look like fat little bells clustered around the top of the stem. It is also sometimes called our lady's tears, a name born from a Christian legend that during Jesus' Crucifixion, Mary's tears turned into the flower. A similar tale is told of Eve's tears.Another legend tells of a love story between a lily of the valley and a nightingale that only returned to the woods when the flower bloomed in May. I love stories. As humans, we are all in a pursuit of happiness. It's something we all strive for and ultimately what many of us believe is the whole point of life. How sad it is that so many of us struggle to feel the warm, comforting arms of joy. Its tragic actually; this magnificent earth is abundant in amazing beings and sights, so much so that i feel like happiness should be a default. Alas, it is not the case. Last week on a damp morning, myself and my lovely new flower friend Anna, were out gathering blooms to adorn the house. We became incredibly excited b the remarkable abundance sprouting up along the pond. Solomons seal! Hellebore! Water primrose! Foxgloves! Lily of the valley! I think I was most excited about the latter. The dense cluster of tiny white bells carpeting the ground set my heart a flutter. They are so tiny, you could almost miss them actually; their waxy leaves shield them from the elements. And the unsuspecting human eye. I returned later to pluck a few scented stems for a bouquet; i did some research and discovered their beautiful message. A return of happiness. Recent days have found my mood plumetting downwards, more of a retreat from happiness really. But it wont always be like this. As usual, i've been doing a lot of thinking. Particularly about happiness; the real kind that seeps deep into your soul and makes your heart swell. When i think back to my childhood, to times before anxiety and vicious self hatred got in the way, joy was such a simple, easy part of life. My favourite things included: new art supplies, sunny evenings playing with my sister on the trampoline, the cosy Christmas season, being allowed to play outside for hours and just generally being around my family and friends. Life as it was made me happy. Adulthood brings great liberty but also thick shackles. The carefree days of youth are gone; we have decisions to make, expectations to fulfill, responsibilities to honour. For some of us, those things are a real struggle. I am mature and capable in many ways but the increasing pressure to have attained a career, a partner, a home, a social life, and many other things, all while being happy and healthy is nigh impossible for me. I have always felt so overwhelmed and scared of the adult world; how was everyone coping with so much on their plate? It continues to baffle me and I continue to be a shell of who i could potentially be. Maybe for me, happiness must be simplicity. Strip it all back, remove unnecessary stresses, find the balance; return to happiness. This is not a claim that I have found happiness, I haven't but I want to. And I hope that anyone else who feels the same will find some comfort in my honesty. I see no point in pretending all is well when it isn't. I no longer accept only a handful of happy moments each year. .I refuse to settle for this numbed okay-ness that i feel on the very best days; its not enough. I want that bursting heart, blood pumping, full throttle joy. Or even just to laugh until it hurts again. I miss that. Lily of the valley is a perennial flower meaning that each spring it arrives of its own accord. May is the month that this little flower feels safe and happy in so that's when it blooms. I so believe in the divine power of plants, they can decide not to blossom, the seeds can fail to germinate or rot; blooming is their choice. For us, things are more complicated but we can still choose what to expend our energy on and how to use our time; things we love deserve space in our lives. Whatever makes us happy is exactly what we should do- reading our favourite book, a few stolen moments in the sunshine, dancing, singing, drawing- anything. We all know what takes us to our happy place so what stops us going there? Don't allow life to climb on top of you and rob you of time to enjoy yourself; despite what society says, busy-ness and hectic schedules are not essential to success or worthy of admiration. Not at all. Unless those people are happy, in which case- great. We are all so different, that becomes more apparent to me with every person i meet. Its fascinating and i think vital to keep this big old world interesting.
Personally, i need my quiet moments alone with my camera, foraging for pretty flowers to arrange, time for a leisurely run and free days to fill as i please. Sometimes i also just need to lie down and do a whole lot of nothing. Structure and routine is good but not rigidity. Often we all just need to recharge ourselves. The pursuit of happiness can drain our human batteries pretty fast. Happiness is not something to force though, it's a natural state of being. If you feel sad, feel it but try to do something that usually makes you happy, even if only to distract from the darkness. To return to happiness, we must allow ourselves to find the joy again. Happiness cannot be lost as it never goes away; what does disappear is our ability to feel it. It gets hidden amidst a sea of anxieties and stresses but if we come up for air, break through to the surface, joy can filter through once more. Just as the sun beams on a dense dark woodland floor, happiness too can penetrate our deepest gloom. Remember what you love, allow yourself time to enjoy those things and be kinder to yourself. I'll try if you will. |
LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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