The sun has appeared after what seems like a very long hiatus; its brought with it a collective sigh of relief. People are smiling, shedding their winter coats and getting outside to enjoy the sunshine while it lasts. Spring is a flighty temptress in the UK so one must appreciate every second of good weather, it could well be it for months. I’ve been walking a lot, earned a fair few blisters on my toes and worn the soles of my trusty boots a little more. In fact, my feet have become too hot for them so i’ve had to wear other shoes! Setting off an sunny morning with a map and a plan and real rush of excitement. Sometimes i jump on ferries, sometimes i just hoof it the whole way. I’ve walked along creeksides, wild coastal paths, secluded beaches, grand estates, sun bleached lighthouses and shaded woodlands. The beauty of it literally takes my breath away and i feel so lucky to live here in this magical little corner of the world. Along the way, I’ve been drawn to churches, ancient buildings tucked away in quiet corners, dappled in sunshine and sprinkled with wildflowers. I find them to be so peaceful, serene and moving. The fact that people return to grave sides to speak to the person they miss, to leave a few flowers for them tells me a great deal about the human spirit. We believe. We hope. We love. Death is not the end, its not scary or morbid,it simply is. As sure as we each are born, we each will leave again. When is unknown but thats all the more reason to fully embrace what we have right now. Not for fear of it being snatched away from us, but in gratitude that we are here in the first place. Its not always easy, we get so tied up in trivialities and worries. The spring season reawakens us, draws us outdoors to breathe fresh air,enjoy the sunshine and get back to what is real. The sun, the sky, the earth. There, in spite of everything else going on and free for everyone to enjoy no matter where they are (unless you live in a cave or jail, in that case sorry,maybe just imagine) I had a thought the other day of something i’d never really considered before: we each see a different sky; depending on where we are the colour, the clouds, where the sun is- its not the same. But it is the same sky. I dont know why that surprised me but it really did. it’s amazing in the true sense of the word. Right now my sky is a pale blue with scattered indigo clouds and a few fluffy blush pink clouds too. Its a lovely spring evening though a tad too breezy for this cold old lady to sit outside. I’m working less days now, it suits me better and it allows me time to myself. Yes more. I volunteer on a flower farm and will start helping at another next week. I dont care about earning money, i just need enough to live on and a bit for my travel fund. I have a guilt complex about not working but why should i? Who benefits from it? Why do i let myself become anxious about that?! I feel unworthy of the days off to enjoy myself that’s why and so a little chain of guilt wraps itself around my being, at first lightly but it gets stronger and tighter when i notice it. It twists and coils, knotted and tangled and becomes impossible to escape. So i just continue my day and try to ignore it instead of battling to break free. Its a compromise that i have been living with for years; it silently impacts my thoughts, my actions and my happiness. I still cant run which makes me feel really lazy even though i do a workout every morning and usually fit a good few miles of walking in too, why cant i just accept that as enough? I’m trying to go slower and take more time in the morning to set myself up for the day,i dont like constantly rushing out the door, who does? For now, im staying in Cornwall. I’m feeling very much stuck creatively, i want to draw or create but i have this fear around it. I know that whatever i do wont be good enough so im scared to even try. It’s so silly but that’s how it is. I want more than anything (apart from world peace, global veganism and a garden) to create art but i dont really know what form. I know some wonderful creative people and i envy that they have a medium, they know what their craft is and they just do it. I suppose not studying anything makes me an amateur at everything which weighs heavily on my shoulders along with all other leaden thoughts.
I have a cupboard full of beads and acorns, fabric scraps and tools. It torments me a bit actually. I feel that i should make something but i dont know what. I avoid even looking at it and when i do drag it all out, it simply reinforces that i dont know what i want to create so, back in it all goes. Perhaps though, being outside inspires me. I always thought i had to do something with that inspiration, create something, interpret it but maybe i dont. Cant i just feel inspired by the natural world, feel awed by its wonder and constantly drawn to explore more. Can my art form be simply exploring and observing? As i walk, i recognise plants and flowers, notice new growth in the hedgerows,dappled light on certain leaves and hear the bird song melodies. It’s a living canvas, a singing, moving, flowing, constantly changing art form that even the best artist couldn’t create. Each day, we individually curate our lives through the things we choose to look at, think about and to listen to; if life is an art gallery, you of course are the curator. Be selective. Choose the most beautiful pieces you can find. Leave out the the experiences that hurt you, the moments you are ashamed of and memories you’d rather forget. Or include them if you like, not all art is beautiful anyway. If i close my eyes, i can picture the little gallery in my mind; the walls are made of thick stone, whitewashed (of course) and there are twisted willow arches separating the rooms, no roof, just blue sky. The walls bare no paintings, simply portholes looking out into the world, a vast blue ocean in one, a secluded sandy cove, a wildflower meadow, tropical jungles, the majestic Himalayas, my parents garden. The wall is endless and each window offers views into a beautiful place i’ve visited and loved. Gosh there are many places that i hold close to my heart, how lucky am i? I wish you could see them all too but the magic of our minds is their privacy; this is an exclusive art gallery only for you. Free visits and the collection changes at your will. I guess i am creating afterall.
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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