The seasons are changing once again. The green leaves are fading, turning burnt orange and maroon while the scent of cool Autumn air swirls in the wind. I love that smell. I’m trying to do more deep breathing to clear my mind, shake off negative energy and find my bearings. Like resetting a compass. Many later summer flowers are still blooming; dahlias, scabiosa, japanese anemone, corncockle, evening primrose, nasturtiums, geraniums plus others too. None of the seeds i sowed ever flowered but its okay, i’ll start much earlier next year. I have some packets of hardy annuals i need to sow in the next week; they will germinate slowly over winter then burst into life, strong and happy come spring. The change of season is a chance to seek new things and head in a different direction. Compasses are basically magnets that pull towards either the magnetic north pole or the magnetic south pole. They determine the direction on the surface of the earth, relying on the compass magnet aligning itself with the earths magnetic field. They are ancient devices, invented and used for divination during the Chinese Han Dynasty before being adapted for navigation during the Song Dynasty. On record, their first use in the Western and Islamic world was in the 11th century. They can be incredibly intricate and beautiful as well. I love that such an archaic artefact is still used widely today to point many an explorer in the right direction. Without them many places may not have ever been discovered?! I still hope of stumbling upon a deserted island somehow ( I cannot sail and i get seasick so i dont know how im going to end up shipwrecked but daydreams dont have to be realistic). It will be abundant in banana trees, coconuts and cacao, lush jungles full of flowers and plenty of fallen trees to build myself a treehouse. And lots of talking animals that want to be my friend. Guess who is lost again? Yep, me. Was i ever not lost? The longer you are lost, the more faith you lose in your own compass. When every direction it leads you in seems wrong, then you conclude that it must not work right. Even if it isn’t broken, your belief in it is and you cannot ever trust it in the way you once did. If you feel pulled both north and south, east and west all at once, you of course cannot physically be in all of them. Instead of stalling and remaining still, it would be better to simply take a few steps in any one direction, then you will be moving towards something and movement is progress. If you never try then you never know what might lie down that path. PICK ONE JENNNAAAA. I've never been very good at using a compass or reading a map, just couldn't quite get my head around it. I tend to just go the way that feels right, sometimes its wrong but sometimes its the right way. I try to picture in my mind where i’ve come from and remember a few landmarks so i can find the way back; i love to walk and can spend hours exploring so its handy to be able to retrace my steps. I did get very very lost once when i went hiking in the Chimanimani hills in Zimbabwe, not a soul around to ask either and i convinced myself i could hear approaching rhinos...I made it out alive but it would have been much easier had i a map and a compass. Plus the knowledge of how to use them. There are plenty of ways we can aid our own journeys and they dont have to involve movement. Sometimes the reason we are lost is because we need to be, maybe there's a lesson to be learnt. Sometimes perhaps the answer is simply to stay where you are. It's easy to miss the signs, to be so busy seeking that you look right past the path. I think that in order to harness the power of our own intuition, we need to trust completely in ourselves and be open to the possibilities. Clear mind= clear directions. So, I recently decided to try some herbal tinctures after lengthy research i chose- St Johns Wort, Tulsi and Skullcap. I don't expect them to provide me with sudden clarity and direction, but they are making me feel a little better and that's what i need most. Plant power always. I listen to a lot of music, i always have. Some songs speak words you could have written yourself, as they are so true. These words of wisdom from Xavier Rudd have been in my head for weeks now and i think they are quite appropriate: When you feel life coming down on you, Like a heavy weight When you feel this crazy society, Adding to the strain Take a stroll to the nearest waters And remember your place Many moons have risen and fallen long, long before you came So which way is the wind blowin', And what does your heart say? -Follow the sun I find myself drawn towards lots of things; i feel pulled towards something or somewhere without knowing why. Maybe i keep reading or hearing about a place or i get an image in my mind i cant quite shake, are these signs from the Universe? I think humans have a natural magneticism, we need to feel that tug followed by the satisfaction of being rooted and clicked into place. We are not trees, we have no physical roots but we do have the ability to settle and grow in our own human way. Birds must have an internal compass, they know what way to go and even when to go, trusting in their instincts, believing that it will lead them the right way. I do think that humans have this ability too yet often our minds interfere with out natural navigation system; we talk ourselves out of ideas and plans before they have a chance to take flight and lead us in a new direction.
Sometimes I feel like my whole body is made of magnets, i’m pulled in every direction yet pushed at the very same time. I drift one way only to be yanked back another. I dont know what the heck i should do. I can be so sure of something one minute then all it takes is a faint whisper of doubt and then, im not sure anymore, in fact i’m already dismissing that idea. I cant even allow myself to stop and think about my life because i cant believe that this is the reality i have created. I cant believe that the girl who set off on grand adventures alone, who dreamed of being someone and doing great things has become a shadow. Why did i allow the world to crawl on top of me and suffocate all the virtues i held? Why have all the experiences, that inspired me so much, not come to anything? What exactly is my problem? I cant think straight, i cant concentrate, i cant relax and i cant escape the persistent panic and urgency that i must figure something out. To make a decision, commit to it and rejoin the world of the living. If not for me then for my family because they never pressure me at all. Throughout everything they are there and they love me and it breaks my heart that i cant show them how much that truly means to me by pulling myself together. All they want is for me to be happy and i cant even do that. I’ve lived such a privileged charmed life and i have no right to not to do some good in the world. Yet i cant. And im so so sorry about that. Its not easy to write these feelings but by putting them into words, i release them and feel lighter somehow. I love to write so its a blessing that i can find comfort in this space. I think i’ve been so used to floating that settling is scary. Every now and then the wind picks up, it thrashes and howls, unharnessed and wild. It catches me and i sail along in the breeze, until i arrive where my magnet has drawn me. I never fully connect though, perhaps by just my fingertips or one reluctant foot, not enough to feel rooted. The pull wears away and off i drift to dance with the wind once more. I actually wonder sometimes whether freedom comes from staying and finding peace in what is, or leaving and seeking joy in something new? I guess it depends. I always hoped that i would stick somewhere, that something would anchor me and keep me there so i could make a life. It hasn’t happened so i'm still floating way up in the ether-land waiting, stalled, paused. When two magnets push against themselves, they are not meant to be so i have to believe that that's why nothing has ever truly worked out yet. Or maybe that's just the story my mind tells me, to keep me hostage. Believing them has done nothing but keep me stuck and unable to make progress. It’s far too easy to become comfortable in discomfort, to accept defeat when there is so much still worth fighting for. Right? So lets stop, breathe, find our centre and re-evaluate. What do you know to be true? What is truly important? What do you love?Follow it. Here's what i know: I love flowers, i'm drawn to them, totally and completely. Fact. They might not leading me in any set direction but i love them. Under this floral spell, I'll chase the scented air they trail and hope there will be a sun dappled meadow one day and within it, the promise of growth, life and peace. Those 3 things are really what flowers symbolise for me. Bloom on friends.
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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