Shells: surrender Shells are formed from fragments of coral that are tumbled around in the ocean, washed up onto shores then swallowed up by the surf again. I've decided that shells symbolise surrendering. They are tossed about in the ocean with no control over where they will end up. In a strange shape too. All they can do is go with the flow and hope to make it safely to shore. That's what life often feels like. I never have been good at giving up control- i have an obsessive need to plan but maybe that's my lesson for now: surrender to what is. I'm not doing so good over here. I'm a blistered peeling monstrosity for starters.Coming here hasn't grated me the freedom i had hoped for; im still the same anxious mess i was in Scotland. I cant see any real value in me staying here right now so i'm formulating a new plan. I'm sad to say that travelling is not bringing me the joy it used to, i believe that in time it will but right now, its adding fuel to the fires of my worrying. Where to go next? What things cant i miss? Should i be out in the sun all day? Am i staying in a Mexican owned hotel? Am i supprting the locals etc.. It goes on. and on. It would seem that no matter what shore I get washed up on, i'm still me and that always brings an abundance of challenges. Being around all these beautiful free spirited folk, I feel like a sunburnt garden gnome. I mean heck maybe they are really just lost souls too but they look like they are having a hell of a lot more fun than me. I dont want to join them though, i'd just like some of their chill. Or any chill. So here i am in a beautiful place and still it isn't enough to shake these horrible feelings. I'm furious with myself for being so ungrateful, so unable to be fully present. All that does is confirm to me that i do not deserve this life and anyone would live it better than me. Those thoughts keep me in this horrible mindset and so it continues. I need to make some serious changes and soon. I know for sure that I have a problem now, my feelings are not rational and they are not entirely within my control. My challenges are my responsibility but i do not need to blame myself; who would choose to feel this way? I imagine myself like a shell. The kind with a big hole in it; the part i've lost. The ocean of life can swallow you up at any moment and deposit you on whatever shores it sees fit. Sometimes you'll stay a while, sometimes you'll be engulfed in the white froth and taken after a short stay. That's life right? I think all we can do is roll with it, when it feels time to jump in the ocean again, do it. If if feels better to lay on the sandy shore, do that. Just be true to yourself. Yet again, as i decided to write about shells, what do i find outside my room? I am so incredibly grateful for that little reminder that the Universe is listening to my sorry tale. Of all the incredible beaches i have visited, i have few photos of shells for some reason. So i had to go take some. The sand here is strewn with lots of little shells, many of them have holes already in them- made for jewellery! I tried making some earrings but my heart wasn't in it and i thought they looked rubbish. Figures. Yep, so my Mexican adventure is being redirected, I feel i have no choice- im drowning. As is always the case with me, all my decisions are marred with uncertainty and doubt. What if i leave and miss something incredible? But i can only go with how i feel and i dont currently feel able to be here and enjoy it; is it giving up? Yes in a way it is but im not sure i care. I can always come back when i'm ready; you will never be exactly the same person in exactly the same place again. No shell will wash up onto the same beach in the same shape either. The journey sculpts us a myriad of ways. Who you are currently and how you feel now is the only thing that matters. All i have ever wanted was to feel a sense of peace and purpose instead of this deep emptiness that shrouds my whole being. I think the world is trying to tell me that i can only find that by making peace with who i am. I already knew that. But If i cant truly make a commitment to accept myself then i'll stay stranded on my sad little island with no respite from the blazing heat of my anxieties. I dont want that, i'm ready for change. I'll do what it takes. It would appear that i have to go across the world before i will take heed of the things i already know very well. Typical Jenna; always taking the longest, most obscure route.
I can hear the birds sing, I can see the blue skies and turquoise ocean, i can smell the flowers; why isn't that enough? I want it to be so badly. I don't want to feel hollow and worried about everything, I wish I could just turn my thoughts off but I cant, right now I simply cant do it. I'm not able to make good rational decisions so i'll leave it up to the ocean to carry me to my next destination. Each new place and new experience teaches my something i need to know; i have to believe that it is all meant to be. Like the ocean does to shells, life molds each of us, it smooths out our edges, punctures holes in us and often leaves us disorientated. Its up to us to find the meaning and discover why we are where we are. I am one heck of lost little shell; is it better to stay lost or throw your self back into the ocean and see where you end up next? Maybe the next time i'll arrive on the right beach, i'll come home to myself.
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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