Its been a strange few months. I failed my driving test. I lost some of my favourite photos. I had to take a break from running. I moved to Canada. All anxiety inducing but i’m still here, heart still beating, world still spinning. I changed the name of the blog because i feel like my life is not in fact, blooming, I'm a work in progress and i hoped to reflect that. The words “between the flowers and the treetops” arrived in my mind and made themselves quite at home. I have pondered the meaning at quite some length and concurred that they symbolise the middle; the journey. In a forest, the trees are of course the tallest and the flowers quite small in comparison. But perhaps that tall tree is smaller than most or that tiny flower is slightly bigger than the others. Who decided what success is? What about all that space in between the two? Do we deduct that because the bluebell cannot grow as large and grand as an oak tree that it is not as worthy? That its very nature is not good enough? In a world that constantly pushes us to strive for more, to do more and be more; many of us feel like we will always fall short. We are not all oak trees,some of us have smaller destinies, daintier dreams and quieter words to speak. We are equally as valid and important. The space between is available for all possibilities to dwell in; its the no mans land that is consequently all mans land. The smallest beings are at their tallest and the tallest beings are at their peak. Of course there are all matters of shrubs and plants in between the 2 extremes and the same principles must apply to them. It’s hard to appreciate your own growth when all around you others are larger, prettier, stronger, better etc etc etc. Nothing can change that; the world is an intricate patchwork of totally unique people on very separate journeys with entirely individual goals and ideas. To compare ourselves to another makes no sense at all. Dont do it. I think i’m floating in this halfway space myself, my own growth stunted for sure but as tall as it can be at this point in my life. I’m accepting of this, i’m not my best self but i’m the best i can be at this moment. There is vacuous space for possibility and change but i do not have to be more. I can be a better version of me but im enough as i am. I think that my personality is not befitting of grand gestures and global change, it’s too overwhelming. But i can spread change amongst my fellow flowers down here on the forest floor. Rather than always looking up at something we can never achieve, perhaps we should instead should look around us. Appreciate the company surrounding us while respecting those both above and below us, whatever that might mean.
I’ve not been making much effort lately, creatively i feel quite blank but i want that to change. I think that often i convince myself that im not good enough anyway so i block ideas; but i sorely miss creating. Why can’t I do it just for the pleasure of it? With the beginning of this new chapter, the opportunity to create a new normal arises. I think sometimes, we must just sit with the doubt and frustration, to work through them instead of just giving up. Its so easy to distract yourself with something else, anything else but a time will come when we must face our doubts, challenge them and see what happens. Words are my anchor at the moment, its only through writing that i am able to express how i feel creatively. I'm trying to write a little bit everyday in the hope that some of the noise in my mind will be released and erased. Hoping. I'm in Ontario, Canada now, working on an organic flower farm. For years i have searched for an answer to the worlds sorrows; for a way to heal our ailing planet, save the animals, to help the people suffering, to make a difference somehow. I’m beginning to think that, perhaps humans and their destruction, are not my job to sort. Maybe my role, for now, is to tend the soil with love and care and leave the world to toil without me. The seasons are different here, winter is still lingering and frost blankets the earth most mornings. The sun is a very welcome, but fleeting visitor and only a few of the boldest tulips have even dared to bloom yet. But here at the beginning of the season, before the flowers explode is almost symbolic of my own growth; with time and some sunshine we can both come out of our (seed) shells and be our brightest shiniest selves. Change is always hard and scary and fraught with uncertainty, but if we are kind and gentle with ourselves through these transient times, our destination is a beautiful and triumphant place. (all photos taken in the UK)
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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