“Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, “You owe Me.” Look what happens with a love like that, It lights the whole sky.”
–Hafiz. I didn't know much about Hafiz until I lived in a retreat centre in Cambodia for a month, almost 10 years ago now, The host/guru/owner, Joel, would recite poetry before dinner every night, the Sufi poets being his favourites. It was such a nice ritual, bringing intention and mindfulness to the evening. I spent the month doing yoga, meditation, meeting some nice people and creating a cookbook for the retreat. It was overall a very positive experience; at that time in my life it was exactly what I needed. I didn't know what I needed then any more than I do now but after months of moving around (from East Africa to South Africa then on to SE Asia before eventually reaching New Zealand), I was glad for the stillness and routine. I loved that Hafiz quote from the moment I heard it. I still hear Joels voice reciting it every time I read it. I find myself missing who i used to be, the easier, less complicated version of me. She's very much gone and i don't like who is left behind. I don't see the point in anything anymore, it all feels so futile; i couldn't go back to a retreat centre and be fully present there. My interest in spirituality faded as I became more disenfranchised with the world, it didn't feel like an answer or a solution to the turmoil, it felt stupid. Self indulgent. Ridiculous. I'm not saying that it is any of those things but once i believed that, i could no longer find comfort in any of it. I locked the door, threw away the key and never looked back. Not a peep. So that was that. Nature, i can always believe in but meditation is for me now, a walk or a run or just time outside. Not hours sat cross legged in silence willing my mind to calm down and be quiet. It would not. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me that all these things that help people really 'find themselves' have been a part of my life for a very long time and actually haven't helped me much at all. Did i find them too early when i wasn't really ready and now i don't trust them anymore? Travel, meditation, veganism, alternative living- solid, trusty ingredients for happiness and fulfillment but evidently, not enough for me. Something has always been missing. I did something wrong most likely; i'm always the problem. It's not really possible to pinpoint the moment you changed or the exact turning point; it can be slow and gradual until one day you realise that you are a stranger to yourself. Your life doesn't feel like yours. You don't want it, didn't choose it; it simply happened. It terrifies me. I don't want this, I can't accept it but what is my alternative? If I had another option, i'd take it but I really don't. The world feels closed off and impossible to reach, I don't know how to get back in. I want back in. How do you propel yourself forward when you are so incredibly lost? How can you find any belief in yourself when you've failed so many times in the past? Can you? I wonder what my life would be if I had the chance to actually live. To settle and grow in a more conventional way instead of living on borrowed time, uninspired, anxious and counting the days until I might be able leave. Until i find something better, somewhere better. Would I be better? Just like my fall out with spirituality, I've similarly convinced myself that i cannot be happy until I live in another country. I cannot turn that belief off, its permanent, unrelenting and entirely stifling. Back to Hafiz, to me, that line means don't expect anything, the earth owes you nothing. Instead, live with gratitude and kindness, accept what you get, its what you deserve, hope for the best? I don't know, I often feel like the exception to the rules. This *insert positive life choice here*will work for everyone but not for Jenna. You're a faulty product and there's nothing for you but an eternity of discomfort and underachievement. No, there's nothing you can do, you cannot control it. Any of it. Yes, you will be embarrassed and ashamed of yourself everyday. That's just how it is. I hope i'm wrong but it doesn't feel like I am. So i continue to daydream of quiet beach towns, flower meadows, abundant fresh produce, sunshine, creativity, bare foot days, endless walks, tall trees, whitewashed walls, colourful textiles, peace to be alone but near some fellow lost souls, also looking for a gentle life. Is it so hard to find? Is part of being an adult not meant to include actually creating a life you want? Do I give up? I know I can't so i'll have to settle for unsettlement until I settle. I guess if nothing else, i'm used to this feeling. Someone send me the guidebook for being a real person, I need some guidance.
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