July began hot and sticky. Its also ending hot and sticky. The first half of July wasn't much fun for me. While June was all holidays and bliss, this month has been more back to reality and panic. My leg/hip/back has come back and im quite honestly devastated and a little angry. Its like a shortcut to increased anxiety and depression for me when i cant begin my day with a run. I hate it so much. There's been a lot of change this month too and not having my running mindfulness practise is making it a lot more difficult to deal with. I know the lesson is not be too attached to anything but i want to be attached to running so im ignoring that lesson. Next please. Plus working in a small kitchen in the heat is not fun at all, its like a dirty non relaxing sauna. When the dishwasher is opened it becomes a steam room, its hell. Probably good practise for Asia though.. But of course its not all bad, so here's some things that made me smile this month: Meeting these two marvellous souls and helping out at their vegan retreat Swimming off sweaty days in the kitchen at Swanpool beach Exploring Helford village, the most picture perfect beautiful place yet. Vegan mint chocolate chip ice cream. Actually just ice cream in general Reading harry potter, again. It never gets old. I found the Goblet of Fire for 10p Sun dried laundry. Seriously makes me happy. Summer floral wedding work, especially boutonnieres and corsages Trip planning! Singapore, Bali, Thailand, Malaysia... Time spent with my lovely friend Jo who is the kindest person Finding quiet, secluded rocky coves to swim in peace. Its a 2 hour walk but very worth it. Cool evenings spent in my room making my nature hoops surrounded by acorns and lichen, branches and shells. I go into a little crafting zone, its a good place to be. Strawberries! Peaches! Watermelon! Mini ikebana style class with lovely Susanne, the most amazing floral designer. July sees the arrival of crocosmia, montbretia, lavatera, buddleia, great fluffy heads of hydrangea so sumptuous that i feel like hugging them…Though the hedgerows are looking a little brown and parched, its been hot here and likely the plants are just as shocked as we are. I am loving it (when not stuck in sweaty hell kitchen), i belong in the tropics for sure. Except i do like seasons so maybe not. Can i just swap 2 months of winter for an extra 2 months of spring please? Hold the showers too. As this month speeds towards the end, im realising that there is nothing left to worry about; most of the anxiety inducing events have passed. I mean, im still a bit worried because i always am but i can breathe freely again. You know the feeling when you are lying on the beach and its really hot and you’re sweating, uncomfortable and dreaming of ice, wind, rain, snow, any cold respite? Then you finally haul yourself up and wade out into the cool clear water, a shock at first but then it hits you- pure relief. Lying back on your towel tingling from the salt and the waves, you feel refreshed, cool, calmer. True bliss right? The sun beating down warming you back up again but nowhere near as hot as before.That’s a bit like what my life sometimes feel like, overwhelming,unbearable panic about something then when it’s over i can breathe again, theres a calmness, a sense of release. Its short lived as life keeps coming just as the sun keeps shining (in summer sometimes) but it sure feels goooddd for a while. I like packing up, i like leaving things behind, using stuff up and fitting things into bags. It feels good. There's no regret or unease about this departure, my gut feeling is that its time for me to go now and im happy to. This is kind of the first home i’ve ever chosen; in the past i’ve had everything from spare rooms, caravans, hallways, dorms, yurts, half finished cob houses and tents. While all have been fine,i was given them, they weren't a choice nor were they mine. Having a space that is all your own is, well its just nice. Knowing that i pay for this room and im entitled to it makes me feel a little bit more valid somehow, a little more like i have a right to be here, now, on the earth.
Yes: It just feels right to be leaving, its time. Everything is tying itself up neatly without much effort on my part, its simply the end for now. It hasnt been an easy 10 months, winter was really rough and i struggled with work and injury and flatmates; there were some very bad days for sure. But i’ve made wonderful friends to be cherished for life, sought out opportunities and made lasting connections. i’ve explored places so beautful they took my breath away, i’ve swam in icy pure blue ocean and walked stunning coast paths. I can take the dark days when the good days are so brilliantly blindingly bright. Truly, I’ve done my best here. Cornwall has been a kind and welcoming host, the wild shores have tethered my wandering soul and rooted me, albeit briefly, to a life by the sea. I wont be far from the ocean ever again, i would miss the energy too much. The sand and the salt have ingrained themselves in my skin, my hair, my heart and made me remember who i am at my core. I'm a quiet soul, a wanderer, a creator and mostly, a lover of the earth and its earthly ways. I dont think i'm meant to live in Cornwall again for a while, i just have a feeling that i need to be somewhere else, somewhere with dark wooden shutters and lush green leaves, the sound of trickling water and the scent of rain on parched earth. That makes no sense but that's the vision that's been in my mind for years, i dont know what it is or where it is but its so vivid, so real that it must exist. I think i need to find it. I’m excited about the upcoming trip; it’s really a privilege to travel with my littlest sis. As we set off on our big adventure to Asia, i'm reflecting on the excitement i felt before i left for Sri Lanka all those years ago. I want to show her temples and secret beaches, market places and jungles; to watch her see all these things for the first time will be as much a joy for me as it will be for her. I sometimes wish i could clear my memories and see it all fresh; ive become a bit spoiled as these eyes of mine have born witness to such awe inspiring wonders. It’s important to me that Laura sees the beauty and the goodness of the world, that she experiences for herself that people are kind and that the unknowns are not to be feared, but to be discovered. There’s so much to see and learn: the Earth itself is an incredible mystifying jungle labyrinth of surprises. Laura is such a special wee being, she’s like a totem or lucky charm so wherever we go we will be protected. Hilarity is a certainty. I leave Cornwall knowing that i can. I can cope, i can live and work and function independently, if not exceptionally then just acceptably. I leave Cornwall knowing that i am not running away. Nor am i chasing anything. I'm simply going in the direction that feels natural and finding the flow along the way. Like the tide, ebbing and flowing, crashing and swirling to its own rhythm. All at sea.
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