Another year/age bites the dust. Its weird to think that you’ll never be the same person with every passing second. Its hard not to sometimes miss past versions of yourself. To compare who you are now with who you were then. The younger in age but older version if that makes sense. You cant ever go back to that age; 26 has been swept away in the salty Indian Ocean tide, never to return. Sayanara. Footprints on wet sand Etched deep then erased The pulsing swirling current Swallowing what was then A clean slate for what is now. I usually work on these little blog/ journals over the course of a few weeks. My feelings change so frequently i have to re-write the whole thing usually! So lets just talk about today for now (see rare photo of yours truly for wild hair and dirty glasses- standard Jenna) I’m feeling a bit mad about everything for god knows what reason, i ate far too much (cooking day at the cafe),i feel enormous, i sunburned my lip yesterday, i’m worried about the Amazon being burned (WFT) i cant quiet the negative self -talk and I dont want to spend my weekend in the cafe i currently run. But i will. Its raining and windy and i'm hiding in the house watching Taylor Swift at the VMA’s. That's today. What i would love to be able to say is that i tuned 27 this month and my old age has brought sage wisdom and self acceptance and now i’m totally comfortable in myself, happy to be me lallaalallala. But I’m not, im really not. And maybe that's okay too. I’m 27 and i don't have my life figured out, I don't even have myself figured out, It's all such a struggle and i don't really know why. I’m choosing to accept that its okay to feel that though because, actually, I no longer allow the struggle to paralyse me. I nudge against it, challenge it, and look; I’m here. Alive, Pushing my boundaries, moving forward as best as i can. The good things about being an anti-adult though are that I have no debt, no ties to leases, no loans to pay off or jobs to return to, my family don't need me. I don't have loads of things in storage, save a few boxes of acorns and trinkets, some clothes and some books (mostly Harry Potter honestly). I cant even really remember what I left behind anyway. I like that I can just go and leave it all. I'm truly as free as a bird, un-tethered and wild. I can fly and nest at my will. My only tie is as always, me. I'm bound to myself and no matter where i travel, i take me with me too. Great. I wish i was easier company. At least i've had 27 years to get acquainted with myself and my many complexities, i might not particularly like myself, but i do kinda understand me now. Kinda.
As i reach milestone ages that society projects as The Right Time to get married, have kids or buy a house etc…I look at my life and i’m acutely aware of how differently i have chosen to live. And i did choose it, i have never wanted those things and i no longer care if people think that's weird. I'm tired of people trying to convince me that i’ll change my mind, everyone (including me) underestimates my strength and strong will. Take being vegan. Its been over 12 years now and i'm as committed now as i was then. Its not a phase. I’m valid and different and living my own truth. Its personal, it's mine and i will continue to dance to my own tune. Or no tune at all. Okay??? I don't have any huge ambitions (apart from a garden) but I do know that kids and marriage are absolutely not for me, I literally cant comprehend wanting those things or them happening. Not part of my timeline or my story. That’s okay. And its also totally okay if they are part of yours, my point is that life is not a “one size fits all” kinda thing. Choose whats comfy. I think that's what adulthood is, figuring out the way you want to live your life. On your terms. Not following what others are doing or even what you thought you might be doing, but just doing life your way. Whatever that might mean. So here's to 27, to being Closer To 30 and giving exactly zero f**ks that i do life my way. Here's to having nothing figured out, being barely able to see next months plan, never mind next years and being okay with that. Here’s to moving forward and working through 27 years of my own crap and especially here's to trying to let stuff go. Seriously, letting it all go and making some space for better things to fill the gaps. Erase and re-fill. Leave one age behind and embrace the new one. You only get one year.
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