September has been a month of endings, of departures, of walking and waiting and watching. I left Freo and headed south, it was blue and beautiful but with no transport exploring was difficult so I decided to fly East. Here I am. In some ways, I feel like i’ve gone back to when I first arrived, to the constant moving and hoping to find something that felt right. I dont have the same mega money stresses but i still don't want to be moving around and staying in hostels. I hate them. I spend most days walking pretty much, I cannot resist the miles and miles of coastal paths, city streets, sandy beaches; I should have replaced my sandals about a year ago and now, i think in a few days, I will walk right out of them. They are disintegrating under my weary soles. All that walking has also led to boundless time for thinking; some good and some not so good. I worry that I've wasted too much time being uncomfortable, I could have been so much more creative and grounded as a human if I just let myself have the safe comfort I crave. Why am I like this? What drives me to constantly seek for some unknown answer to an unknown question, that I can't ever find and likely never will. I worry that its too late, I've missed my chance to be someone. I feel like no one. I feel insignificant. I always have, this discomfort within myself is unrelenting and likely the reason I find life such a huge struggle. To be at ease in the world, you must first be at ease with yourself. I’m at war with my thoughts, my body, my life every day. Pacing, watching, waiting always. I did enjoy a few relatively peaceful hours whale watching in Dunsborough; inspired, I wrote this pantoum Watching patiently, for the whales We did not mind the icy wind To glimpse a tail or shadow of fin We would gladly wait for them We did not mind the icy wind Our offering for the priceless sight We would gladly wait for them In storm or rain or snow Our offering for the priceless sight To glimpse a tail, or shadow of fin In storm or rain or snow Watching patiently, for the whales -Whale tale September 2019 I've decided that 1 year is enough, being tied to a working hostel and 3 months of farm work was bringing me a great deal of stress so I'm not doing it. When i stopped to think, I realised that i don't want to stall anymore, I don't want to waft in the wind waiting to be tethered. It’s pointless. There's being free and then there’s running away out of fear. I want to start my garden, to create a sanctuary that I don't have to leave and that I can control. There's a sense here that this is not real life because I guess it's not; it's transient and as I am not Australian, I dont get treated the same. Home is home. I love to travel and explore but i dont always want to have to pack my whole life up and leave everything i’ve built behind, i want something to return to. I do like that i have no real ties or commitments but I also want a life that is mine. That is solid and static, fluid when I choose it to be. For years that’s what i’ve wanted most yet it would seem that i have a serious flaw in my character. I do the opposite of what I want or should do, all the time. I make myself feel worse instead of better, I force myself to exercise when im tired, I travel when all i want is to be still.
The hypocrisy of searching for stillness while constantly moving is startlingly obvious. Seeking balance while rocking your own boat. Expecting to find answers within a question, namely- “what do i want?” or "what ami doing?" It's silly really. In order to grow, really grow, we need time and space to root down, to settle and gradually feel safe in our environment. If you were to constantly move a plant around, transplant it, put it in a new place, change the soil, fertilise it, water it etcc. the poor thing would be overwhelmed. It wouldn't know what it needed anymore because it had no time to settle into its new space before something else changed. That creates an energy of fear, anxiety and unease. I would know. I'm the plant. I’m also the overzealous owner trying to find the very best conditions without first giving the current one a proper chance. Guilty. We can give ourselves freedom, gift it in our choices, our words, our actions. Freedom doesn’t always mean adventures, it can be simply listening to what we actually want and acting on it. Surrendering to what you long for, that is true freedom. True and complete. Take small steps, take the easy road sometimes; life isn't always meant to be hard. It's not to be endured by to be lived, of course, we need the hard times to teach us but you dont have to repeat the same mistakes to learn the same lesson. You know the lesson already. Tap into it.
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