Pacing: to walk up and down nervously, as to expend nervous energy; a rate of movement, especially in stepping, walking or running. August again. Leo (and virgo) season, Another year older. I wasn't really ready to say bye to 27, it was a bit of a shit year and I had hoped to be better. I get more disappointing with every passing year. I shouldn’t expect better maybe. I don't seem to be very good at growing and learning, despite trying to constantly. I desperately needed a change of scenery, so I went on a small holiday to Edinburgh, courtesy of my sister and her lovely empty flat. I found fun routes to run, I walked for hours, discovered cute spots, daydreamed, read in the park, spoke to no one; it was about as close to peace as I can get these days. I was there you see so there's a limit to how much peace one can get. The excitement of a new place was a great distraction from myself, albeit fleeting. On the 13th, my birthday, a day that I genuinely like to completely ignore and just be alone so there's no risk of fuss, I took myself on a little daytrip to walk some of the Fife coast path. It was a dreary, overcast day following a wild thundery stormy night; every train was cancelled except the one I needed. Excellent. I spent a few hours walking along beside the sea taking photos of flowers and fields, ending in a little town called Aberdour, where i sat on the beach and finished my book. Walking the Americas by Levison Woods in case you were interested; his journey sounded both glorious and horrendous at the same time. That’s adventure for you. I spent a few months in Central America so I knew a lot of the places he wrote about, i’d like to go back. It was a really nice day all round. Lots of un-logged steps... I reluctantly returned home after a week, dreading the drudgery of my daily existence, wishing I had my own life to return to instead of the weird no mans land of limbo and waiting for an epiphany. But I don't so back I came, again. My family had bought me a fitbit, the most perfect gift that I was equally delighted to receive and annoyed they had spent money on me. Always an antithesis.
So I’ve been pacing, checking my running stats, sleep patterns and trying to stay extra active to impress the little tracker on my wrist. I don't want it think i'm lazy. Getting my steps in has become an obsession but a very welcome one. It's nice to feel some accomplishment even if it is only a flag of victory on a tiny digital screen. Its good. Champion stepper, that’s the extent of my achievements. I did way more steps last year when I had incredible beaches to walk along, new places to explore and crowded hostels to avoid. I’d give anything to be back in that life. But I cant so no point even thinking about it. Hear that brain- STOP RUMINATING. It won't. I can run the race but i can’t finish it, my energy and enthusiasm peters out and I get scared and distract myself doing anything else. As soon as anything gets serious, I get up and walk away. I pace up and down to distract from the clawing anxiety screaming at me to run away before I fail while also reminding me that I have to do SOMETHING because i’m a hopeless mess. It’s a very unpleasant and complicated atmosphere. It feels like a lot of pressure and I do not function well under pressure. At all. We carry on because we must, eventually I'll sort myself out. I bloody hope this is not the best version of me there is, I'm a very faulty product if it is. Autumn is upon us again, elderflowers have turned to elderberries, brambles are ripening, summer blooms are seeding and I even gathered some acorns today. Who knows what the rest of the year holds for any of us, its an odd time to be alive for sure. I’ll be pacing and trying to channel some of my boundless anxious energy into something fruitful. Trying being the key word.
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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