Fennel: strength, worthy of all praise Fennel (Foeniculum vulgare) is a flowering plant species from the carrot family. It is a hardy, perennial herb with yellow flowers and feathery leaves. It is indigenous to the Mediterranean coast but has become widely naturalized in many parts of the world, especially on dry soils near the sea and on riverbanks. It is a very ancient plant and is noted as one of the 9 herbs in the Pagan Nine herbs charm from the 10th century. The Greek name for fennel is marathon which is also the place of the famous battle of Marathon; it literally means plain with fennel. The 26 mile sporting event originated here as well. Perhaps that's why fennel is symbolic of strength: its blanketed the field of a battle and my romantic mind likes to think that the scent maybe helped the warriors in a subtle way. I never used to like fennel, the taste or the smell, now I rather love it actually. It is definitely an acquired taste but once acquired, you'll be glad. Its grown here in the manor gardens for cutting and as an ornamental, as it produces a lovely yellow frothy flower. Like yellow ammi majus. I love using it in bouquets to add a bright pop of colour and fluffy texture, plus it has nice slim yet sturdy stems that last very well in arrangements. I really umbellifers like ammi and cow parsley and my new friend fennel too. They look so proud and free. Fennel, like most plants is not just a pretty leaf. In culinary terms, it is used by many different cultures, notably by the Italians and Indians. The seeds have a very distinct and strong flavour, lovely in spicy curries. The frondy leaves are a bit more delicate and I think they go well with tomato based pasta sauces or sprinkled over salads. The bulb though is my favourite, I like to thinly slice it with apple, cucumber and mint: a perfect summer salad combo. Fennel tea is a great digestive aid and general health tonic, if you don't like the taste of aniseed then add lots of lemon and fresh mint leaves. The health benefits of fennel include relief from anaemia, respiratory disorders and digestive complaints as well as being beneficial to eye sight and as a breath freshener. It's basically full of healthy mystic wonders for an abundance of humanly health afflictions. Life. I work really hard here. Actually even typing that I was questioning whether that was in fact true. Ugh me. I try my best and despite all the great feedback and appreciation I still doubt myself no end and feel like I must do more. I have always struggled to accept praise or compliments it makes me feel awkward and totally undeserving. Why am I like that?! I put my whole self into any task and do a lot more than is asked yet im often disappointed in myself for not being able to do more hours and get even more done. Its a really tiring and un-fulfilling way to live I'll tell you that. If someone else works longer than me then instantly I am a lazy waste of space and I dont deserve to be paid for my work. Anxiety levels are highhighhigh people. I cant even face to be around people sometimes because I feel so horrible I just want to be alone. As soon as I get used to new people, more arrive and i'm sent into a panic again as I try to adjust to yet more changes. My wee mind freaks the heck out at the slightest things. Working and living in the same place is really difficult for me as there's no disconnect and I really do need that. Some days as with everyone I don't feel like working so hard; my mind does not deem that acceptable so whatever I do, either my mind or my body will be mad at me. Probably both in the end. I'm always mad at me so heyho. That's the negative out the way... Maybe though, the fact that I still get up each day and give it my best is a sign of strength. Okay so it doesn't really feel like its enough but I do try everyday. I think that perhaps true strength is carrying on when all you want to do is give up, facing your fears head on even though you would rather poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick. Or a jaggy nettle. And face them we must. That's all we earthlings can do, the fears wont go away if we continue to allow them room to grow in our mind; we must confront them and battle through. The battle needn't always be arduous though; despite my struggles here I have been finding true joy in the little things. Par example; this morning watching the sun bathing the wheat fields in golden light, literally took my breathe away (not ideal as I was trying to run!) Seeing the first blooms on flowers I planted in June; making dinner with fresh picked vegetables from the kitchen garden; even just sharing stories and laughs with the other volunteers here. I could go on and that is a truly lovely feeling. Despite all my crap, I can actually find happiness and appreciate it in the simplest of ways. The anxiety and all its allies have not successfully robbed me of everything. 1 nil to Jenna. My time at the manor is drawing to a close once more and yet again I head back north with no idea what to do next. I don't think gardening is exactly the path for me, its not quite creative enough and its a constant work in progress- I never feel satisfied because nothing is ever totally done. That's just nature for you and i wouldn't change a thing about it. I think I need the security of closure, to be able witness a job done, finished and complete. Weeds spring back up within mere days! Its an epic battle of Jenna vs Weeds, a truly thrilling story of one woman against a rebel invasion of unwelcome green leafy things. Very frustrating and I never get to win! Actually, when confronted with a particularly dense bed of weeds today, I sighed then decided to just lie on the grass and close my eyes for a few moments, soaking up the warmth on the comfort of the grass. My lovely wee French friend Inari, woke me up anxiously some time later, I think she may have thought I was dead. I felt so much better after my brief interlude and proceeded to attack the weeds with renewed vigour. A power nap indeed. I adore nature with all my heart so maybe trying to tame it is best left for other people. Except I actually miss gardening when im not doing it...i do confuse myself. Flowers have rooted themselves firmly in my heart, so i'll do what I must to be with them I suppose. They feel like a part of my soul now. Never mind flowers in my hair, I have flowers in my soul. How lucky am I?
So, praise. To feel worthy of the kind words spoken to you is not optionable; if someone thinks you did a good job, they mean it. THEY think you did a good job even if you didn't. Let that be enough. You dont have to throw their kindness back at them, accepting that they are pleased with you is okay. Really it is. Plus it feels good to know that your work is appreciated, no one would commend you on your efforts if they didn't think you were worthy of their words. I actually really need feedback, even if my mind decides i'm crap, its nice to know that that's not the official verdict on my work. Im really trying to work on accepting compliments. Im really trying to work on my overall self actually and in the last few days i've noticed some serious progress. More on that another time. I really believe that in this world that often makes no sense at all; that is filled both with the very worst and the very best things imaginable, you must become your own pillar of strength amidst it all. It is undoubtedly true that challenges strengthen us but equally we can find strength in peace. Nurturing and caring for ourselves rejuvenates and revives, gifting us the strength to continue on life-wards. I think I invented that word. But really allow yourself some kind words and just relax, life-ing is hard work. You're doing great, amazing in fact, no one could be you better than you. You win first prize for your you-ness and no one can ever take that title from you. Take a bow, revel in your own majestically imperfect perfection. “ You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have”. Yep I'm lying on my bed on this rainy August night and feeling quite depleted. But I know that tomorrow I will rise at 5am to run in the fields with the birds and the bunnies then i'll begin a day of work that I dont feel all that capable of enduring. Tomorrow evening will come and i'll have made it through another day and done all the things that feel insurmountable right now. And probably a million other things too. That is worthy of praise, most people may function much better than I do but for me and my unique challenges, each day is a triumph. And i'm quietly proud that I do manage to function pretty damn well despite often feeling like a mouldy old slug. Speaking of which, I had better go and empty the beer traps- our dahlias are a verdant feast for the slimy beasts. But they cant resist a cheeky wee drink and that right there is how they meet their drunken demise. Drowned in beer. Oddly poetic. As the late evening sun streams in through my window, bright blue after hours of pouring rain; I cant help but feel that every day on this earth is a mystery, an adventure, a new opportunity to learn and grow and live. And If the days keep arriving then I'll come along too, grudgingly at times but present and alive nonetheless. In nature I find peace and love and knowledge; surrounded by the gentle encouragement of flowers, strength will find me. And I'll grow.
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