Lets start again. I have begun so many posts now only to rejected them that its getting quite frankly ridiculous. My fear of commiment evidently extends even to this tiny wee online space. I am tired. I am tired of myself. Exhausted, depleted, frustrated. Anxious with nothing to do, anxious with lots too do, overwhelmed by nothing, overwhelmed by everything. Its a torturous way to live. I sometimes cant even fathom how i made it through days, let alone years. 2015 has passed in a blur and not a particularly good one. My life is not bad, there is no such thing as a bad life but i make mine so arduous. Me, moi, yours truly; its all down to to myself and i know that. I know all that shit, i preach it daily but i cant seem to apply any of my own wisdom to my own life. As 2016 beckons before me, my aim is solely to find balance. There will be no new me come New Year; i will always come along so better to just strive for a less extreme mindset and more rational thought patterns. Please and thank you. I recently discovered these photos on an old memory card from Nepal. These were taken on my final days in the mystic home of the Himalayas; i walked through dusty, pollutued Kathmandu to visit Swayambhunath, the monkey temple. Thinking of 18 year old me wandering happily amongst the monkeys hopefully snapping away, despite the broken focus on my lens, makes me want to cry. I dont know if who i am now would be able to be fully present there and appreciate it. That's sad. Its a strange concept; to go forward in order to go back but i think thats ultimately what im trying to do. To re-find the part that got lost, collect it then skip merrily along the path of life. I thought i found it but i guess i lost it again. I should be more careful with myself. I find myself missing something i never knew i had. I miss someone from my past, miss travelling and exploring and seeing new places. I've locked myslef in a dark cave and i dont know if this version of me can be the intrepid traveller anymore. Without that part of me, im lost. I dont know who i am. All the things i used to love no longer bring me as much joy; honestly i cant even get off my bed most nights. I get up to run and go about my day but by night i cant function anymore. Im done pretending that I can deal with life. I dont believe it. I dont feel okay. Overwhelming, smothering panic engulfs me daily and i sometimes cant run fast enough to escape. I know the things that help- silence, nature, solitutde but thats not real life, i can't retreat from reality and live in a bubble. It might feel safe but what happens when something threatens my fragile little fortress? I panic again.
In times of stress it would make perfect sense to do things that make you feel better but i dont. Nope i just while away hours reading nonsense on the internet and panicking about not being more productive or creative. Why not do some yoga, read or start any of the 2 million craft projects I've been meaning to do? IdontknowIdontknowIdontknow. Deep breaths. Then a few more. And repeat. I dont feel scared about the coming year, im happy to say goodbye to 2015 and let what has happened rest. I'm grateful for the challenges; for the lessons learned or not learned, for the people that wove in and out of the tapestry of my life; for discovering a deep love of flowers; for finding a voice through this blog; for being allowed time to be broken and empty and scared. I'm still those things a bit but i end this year a lot better than i started i promise. I know that i can both escape and embrace myself if i allow it. Its all in my hands. I think that maybe i trust myself to pull through and find some sunshine again. Faith & trust & pixie dust. Enjoy the happy monkey photos and may 2016 bring you more boundless joy and gratitude than any other year. I dont know if gratitude creates joy or joy creates gratitude but either way the two are undeniably entwined and connected so when you find one you will also gain the other. Thats balance for you right there.
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