For one of the first times ever in my life, i dont want to leave. My heart is fully and deeply in the present and content to be there. Freo has become home and i don't want to leave, I really don't. People I’ve met have come and gone, normally i would resent being left behind but this time, iIcant bear the thought of leaving this beautiful sunny, quirky, vibrant corner of the Earth. How lucky am I?
Things are honestly pretty good. It’s sunny everyday, I have a bike, new friends, a lovely place to live and jobs i enjoy. I’m so thankful for all of the above and a whole lot more. I truly do love it here. Why then, is it still so hard for me to be satisfied, to say this is enough, I am enough. I’ve never felt that way, my mind is spinning constantly, overthinking and micro planning and worrying about things that needn’t be worried about. My main and sometimes only challenge in my life is in fact me. Feelings can warp reality, they can and do change how you physically experience life. My mind tells me i’m not safe, so i find myself feeling paranoid and on edge. It tells me i’m not good enough so everyday is a battle to satisfy those feelings of inadequacy that stem from my own twisted beliefs. Or If I feel fat, my whole body looks and feels enormous to me and i’m uncomfortable. I’m the same I was the day before, but I feel fat and that feeling manifests as reality and twists how things really are. What a damn nuisance. I annoy myself no end, I really do. Sometimes I have to laugh at the ridiculous conversations that go on in my head, for example: say I got up at 6, ran for an hour, cycled to work, worked for 6 hours then wanted to just sit on the beach- because it was still early afternoon, that felt like being lazy. Like i needed to go for a long cycle and do more. More more more. I didn't want to! But my silly brain told me I hadn't done enough so then I felt all anxious and couldn't enjoy being at the beach. I know how irrational it is but that's my daily reality. These standards are set by me and only for me, they do not apply to anyone else. My own personal set of unattainable rules, how lovely. This contradicting and judgemental internal dialogue truly robs the joy from my days, I just wish I knew how to make it stop. But i'm working on me and slowly making progress; I'm beginning to appreciate the value I bring and feel quietly proud of the skills I possess. Well actually, the skills I honed and developed really. I mostly taught myself the things I wanted to know, sought out opportunities that allowed me to learn my own way and I'm glad I did. They might not change the world, I might not change the world but that's okay. I'm okay. Life is as simple or complicated as we make it; I seek beauty and freedom and my choices reflect that. I enjoy my quiet existence enjoying the sunshine and finding beauty in the world around me. I have my challenges to deal with but as I said, they do largely come from myself and learning to manage them is for me to figure out. I believe that I will. I named my bike Felix, which means lucky, successful, happy and fortunate. Cycling along a sun-drenched path gazing at the endless turquoise Indian ocean, I feel all of those things. I'm exactly where I'm meant to be right now. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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