I'm trying to see the funny side of my silly old life... If i don't laugh, i'll cry.
Whenever i make a plan, i think deeply to get myself used to it, then settle into the new life in my head; something always happens though and it doensn't work out. So its back to square one. Last night alone, i explored the following options: going to Spain to pick olives, flying off to a flower farm in Canada, working in a retreat centre in Woodstock and moving to a small hotel in Perthshire, plus a few others. This morning i have no idea. I never really have any idea. I really do want a job! Something creative and fulfilling. I like working and i work super hard yet here i am on a rainy Tuesday eating rice cakes and playing with my holey shells from Mexico. I have a list of very menial tasks to complete for the day- water plants, make veggie burgers, run, label my lipbalms, hoover, clean the bathroom etc.. Another truly riveting day ahead of me. For some reason the more free time i have, the less likely i am to use the time wisely. How self sabotaging and silly is that? Other people with the amount of time i've had would have written novels, taken up every craft imaginable, read all the books and perhaps learned a new language. Oh well, i've done some things. I still have plenty of years left to become a more balanced and talented human. Plus i'm not other people, i'm Jenna. And maybe i need to stop hoping to become something else and just be this version of me. I'm not all that bad really, rather frustrating and stubborn and a control freak but i'm also kind and compassionate and resilient. I suppose. I'm tired of being embarrassed and ashamed of myself and the life i currently live; things haven't flowed easily for me because i am an unusual little person that took an unconventional route. I like to think of it as less of a path, more of a virgin untamed jungle. It takes a while just to figure out where i am, before i even begin to battle through the vines and weeds obstructing the road. I don't want to live with my parents my whole life, i'm not a total waste of space and nor am i incapable of living alone. I've travelled to some very challenging places on my own since I was 17 years old. I'm putting a few old travel photos in this post to remind myself that i have lived! There is more to me and there is a bigger life to lead but maybe, just not yet. It hit me last night as i was about to go to sleep; until we are truly grateful for all we have, what right do we have to ask for more? I'm not saying that i'm never going to hope for more than i have but i want to incorporate more gratitude for the vast amount of blessings I already have. The happiest people in the world are most often the ones with fewest things, the least money and really, more reasons than most to be unsatisfied with their life. But they are not, they see the small blessings and that is enough to secure happiness for them. When life delivers them greater fortunes, they will be pleased but if things stay the same, they will still be happy. That must be the true essence of peace; content with all you have and all you are. Excuse me i have to go and well, be very not busy. I am grateful for all this down time; when things suddenly click i'll appreciate it all the more. Maybe now i need to live a small life making soup and being an assistant housewife....
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Anemone: Forsaken; anticipation hello. is anyone listening? does anyone see me? it doesn't seem like it. Cue deep sigh Anemone is a genus of around 120 species of flowering plants belonging to the ranunculacae family. It is native mostly to the temperate zones of the Northern hemisphere. Anemones are perennial plants that grow from tubers. They have long thin stems bearing flowers with petals in shades of white, purple, yellow, pinks and reds. Unusually, the sepals of an anemone are indistinguishable from the petals themselves. The flower petals curl in slightly, almost like a little saucer. Pulsatilla and Hepatica flowers are closely related so often grouped within the anemone genus. The name anemone is from Greek origins, meaning "daughter of the wind". The etymology is the reason for the flower also being know as wind flower, symbolic as the wind blows the petal open, eventually also, blowing the dead petals away. Greek mythology tells also that the goddess Venus actually created the anemone; she is told to have sprinkled the nectar on the blood of her dead lover Adonis. Somehow the anemone came to be? There are so many types of anemones and they do all have slightly differing meanings but what I take from them is a general theme of waiting and wondering. To anticipate is to await something, well big, happening. It can be frustrating but mostly you know that it is coming so its wait-able. To be forsaken though, is to feel abandoned and forgotten about; perhaps you have been kept waiting too long and you've lost hope of anything ever coming to fruition. Like our life purpose becoming clear!!! For that i've been waiting and waiting and waiting. As the seasons prepare to transition once again, the long warm days have passed and with it many summer flowers. The cheerful face of the anemone however remains, blooming right up into September when the majority are done for the season. Late summer flowers such as the anemone are a true joy, a gentle memory of sunshine as we near the chilly Autumn months. It must be one of the most difficult things about being a breathing, thinking, living human; to be able to see your dream, feel it even but not have the means to achieve it. Or to be shackled with commitments and responsibilities, leaving you unable to pursue deep desires. Say, for the single mother in Kenya with 6 children and not enough money, perhaps she sees a small patch of land and some seeds to grow food. For the actor, well honed in his craft, the perfect role etched in his mind but reality un-painting of this picture. For the office worker stuck in a dingy cubicle, existing each day to earn enough money for the family but dreaming of a simpler life, closer to nature. I could go on, a great many of us live this way. For me, a small space I can call my own and some land to grow flowers. Fresh air and green spaces.I am the sort of person that loves to have work to do, that strives getting up early and having routine and tasks. Yet the life I live is so lacking in those things, I cant find a way to give my passion wings. Why be given such passion if I am unable to use it? I don't want to waste my days working in a menial job I hate, likewise I don't want to waste my days pottering round my parents house ,trying frantically to find some semblance of peace and control. To be different is a huge curse yet a huge blessing, all at once. If I can't be this person then why allow me to become it? If there is a place for us all then why do I feel like 34 sided shape trying to fit into a round hole? I wonder if this is how a sapling must feel, down there on the forest floor staring up at the trees; its destiny as clear as day yet its reality is so far from it. All it can do is wait and hope that one day it will take its place alongside the others. Perhaps that is the greatest frustration of all. To be lost you don't even know what your looking for so how can you hope for it? But when you do know what you want and you see it in your mind everyday, life can become a tedious hardship. A frustrating torturous loop from which there seems to be no escape. I have patience, I have a lot of it in fact but its not helping me right now. I'm frustrated and angry and I don't know how to move forward. Why make me this person if i cant bloody well be her? What if some of us slip under the radar? Like that one penny that you couldn't catch when you drop your purse; scrabbling to gather your fallen tokens, one renegade rolls and disappears between the floor boards. It still exists but is in essence gone. With so many people on this earth, how can we all be accounted for? Maybe some of our destinies do just that, slip away from sight. The soul it belongs to knows its still there because, my god, are the feelings of purpose intense. But no matter what we do, we cant catch our futures, we float along in muted existences of little interest. I see the kind of life I want before my eyes yet for years now I have been totally unable to bring it to fruition. I don't know if that makes sense but in my mind it does. At my core I want to do something that has meaning, I want my small fleeting existence to have at least a little substance. To imprint a little piece of myself on the earth; our legacy will only ever be a faint whisper but let it be one you would be proud of. When others care only about money and status, why do they find their paths and their happiness so much easier? I know its not the case for everyone but that's how I feel when I look at the world around me. The ones that care and want to do good are so often limping along and unable to do it. I just cant make sense of this world at all; this quote is me:
"She always had that about her, that look of otherness, of eyes that see things much too far and of thoughts that wander off the edge of the world." -Joanne Harris Indeed. It gets so tiring. The constant searching and digging for meaning, for proof that I do belong here on this earth. Its just such a struggle and I don't understand why. I cant just forget about the things that matter to me; morals and integrity are all we have when everything is stripped away. So yep, that's where i'm at today on the eve of my 24th birthday. Confused and frustrated and rather disheartened. But at least i still feel, feeling is good even if its not pleasant; its proof that my soul lives and cares and itches to fulfill its earthly duty. I have the sense to know that i haven't really been abandoned, just forgotten about temporarily maybe. A lot more people need help and guidance than me and i would never put my own needs before someone else's. I'm not going to give up believing that the world is linked and intertwined with meaning and purpose and intention. Perhaps that dropped penny will be picked up by a stranger, maybe it will bring them luck when they really needed it. So it was never forgotten at all, just waiting out of sight, for the right time and person. And so the cycle will always continue, the anticipation, the feelings of despair and eventually the peace and resolution. Life in essence. When the circle completes, we'll be so glad that we waited it out. Fennel: strength, worthy of all praise Fennel (Foeniculum vulgare) is a flowering plant species from the carrot family. It is a hardy, perennial herb with yellow flowers and feathery leaves. It is indigenous to the Mediterranean coast but has become widely naturalized in many parts of the world, especially on dry soils near the sea and on riverbanks. It is a very ancient plant and is noted as one of the 9 herbs in the Pagan Nine herbs charm from the 10th century. The Greek name for fennel is marathon which is also the place of the famous battle of Marathon; it literally means plain with fennel. The 26 mile sporting event originated here as well. Perhaps that's why fennel is symbolic of strength: its blanketed the field of a battle and my romantic mind likes to think that the scent maybe helped the warriors in a subtle way. I never used to like fennel, the taste or the smell, now I rather love it actually. It is definitely an acquired taste but once acquired, you'll be glad. Its grown here in the manor gardens for cutting and as an ornamental, as it produces a lovely yellow frothy flower. Like yellow ammi majus. I love using it in bouquets to add a bright pop of colour and fluffy texture, plus it has nice slim yet sturdy stems that last very well in arrangements. I really umbellifers like ammi and cow parsley and my new friend fennel too. They look so proud and free. Fennel, like most plants is not just a pretty leaf. In culinary terms, it is used by many different cultures, notably by the Italians and Indians. The seeds have a very distinct and strong flavour, lovely in spicy curries. The frondy leaves are a bit more delicate and I think they go well with tomato based pasta sauces or sprinkled over salads. The bulb though is my favourite, I like to thinly slice it with apple, cucumber and mint: a perfect summer salad combo. Fennel tea is a great digestive aid and general health tonic, if you don't like the taste of aniseed then add lots of lemon and fresh mint leaves. The health benefits of fennel include relief from anaemia, respiratory disorders and digestive complaints as well as being beneficial to eye sight and as a breath freshener. It's basically full of healthy mystic wonders for an abundance of humanly health afflictions. Life. I work really hard here. Actually even typing that I was questioning whether that was in fact true. Ugh me. I try my best and despite all the great feedback and appreciation I still doubt myself no end and feel like I must do more. I have always struggled to accept praise or compliments it makes me feel awkward and totally undeserving. Why am I like that?! I put my whole self into any task and do a lot more than is asked yet im often disappointed in myself for not being able to do more hours and get even more done. Its a really tiring and un-fulfilling way to live I'll tell you that. If someone else works longer than me then instantly I am a lazy waste of space and I dont deserve to be paid for my work. Anxiety levels are highhighhigh people. I cant even face to be around people sometimes because I feel so horrible I just want to be alone. As soon as I get used to new people, more arrive and i'm sent into a panic again as I try to adjust to yet more changes. My wee mind freaks the heck out at the slightest things. Working and living in the same place is really difficult for me as there's no disconnect and I really do need that. Some days as with everyone I don't feel like working so hard; my mind does not deem that acceptable so whatever I do, either my mind or my body will be mad at me. Probably both in the end. I'm always mad at me so heyho. That's the negative out the way... Maybe though, the fact that I still get up each day and give it my best is a sign of strength. Okay so it doesn't really feel like its enough but I do try everyday. I think that perhaps true strength is carrying on when all you want to do is give up, facing your fears head on even though you would rather poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick. Or a jaggy nettle. And face them we must. That's all we earthlings can do, the fears wont go away if we continue to allow them room to grow in our mind; we must confront them and battle through. The battle needn't always be arduous though; despite my struggles here I have been finding true joy in the little things. Par example; this morning watching the sun bathing the wheat fields in golden light, literally took my breathe away (not ideal as I was trying to run!) Seeing the first blooms on flowers I planted in June; making dinner with fresh picked vegetables from the kitchen garden; even just sharing stories and laughs with the other volunteers here. I could go on and that is a truly lovely feeling. Despite all my crap, I can actually find happiness and appreciate it in the simplest of ways. The anxiety and all its allies have not successfully robbed me of everything. 1 nil to Jenna. My time at the manor is drawing to a close once more and yet again I head back north with no idea what to do next. I don't think gardening is exactly the path for me, its not quite creative enough and its a constant work in progress- I never feel satisfied because nothing is ever totally done. That's just nature for you and i wouldn't change a thing about it. I think I need the security of closure, to be able witness a job done, finished and complete. Weeds spring back up within mere days! Its an epic battle of Jenna vs Weeds, a truly thrilling story of one woman against a rebel invasion of unwelcome green leafy things. Very frustrating and I never get to win! Actually, when confronted with a particularly dense bed of weeds today, I sighed then decided to just lie on the grass and close my eyes for a few moments, soaking up the warmth on the comfort of the grass. My lovely wee French friend Inari, woke me up anxiously some time later, I think she may have thought I was dead. I felt so much better after my brief interlude and proceeded to attack the weeds with renewed vigour. A power nap indeed. I adore nature with all my heart so maybe trying to tame it is best left for other people. Except I actually miss gardening when im not doing it...i do confuse myself. Flowers have rooted themselves firmly in my heart, so i'll do what I must to be with them I suppose. They feel like a part of my soul now. Never mind flowers in my hair, I have flowers in my soul. How lucky am I?
So, praise. To feel worthy of the kind words spoken to you is not optionable; if someone thinks you did a good job, they mean it. THEY think you did a good job even if you didn't. Let that be enough. You dont have to throw their kindness back at them, accepting that they are pleased with you is okay. Really it is. Plus it feels good to know that your work is appreciated, no one would commend you on your efforts if they didn't think you were worthy of their words. I actually really need feedback, even if my mind decides i'm crap, its nice to know that that's not the official verdict on my work. Im really trying to work on accepting compliments. Im really trying to work on my overall self actually and in the last few days i've noticed some serious progress. More on that another time. I really believe that in this world that often makes no sense at all; that is filled both with the very worst and the very best things imaginable, you must become your own pillar of strength amidst it all. It is undoubtedly true that challenges strengthen us but equally we can find strength in peace. Nurturing and caring for ourselves rejuvenates and revives, gifting us the strength to continue on life-wards. I think I invented that word. But really allow yourself some kind words and just relax, life-ing is hard work. You're doing great, amazing in fact, no one could be you better than you. You win first prize for your you-ness and no one can ever take that title from you. Take a bow, revel in your own majestically imperfect perfection. “ You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have”. Yep I'm lying on my bed on this rainy August night and feeling quite depleted. But I know that tomorrow I will rise at 5am to run in the fields with the birds and the bunnies then i'll begin a day of work that I dont feel all that capable of enduring. Tomorrow evening will come and i'll have made it through another day and done all the things that feel insurmountable right now. And probably a million other things too. That is worthy of praise, most people may function much better than I do but for me and my unique challenges, each day is a triumph. And i'm quietly proud that I do manage to function pretty damn well despite often feeling like a mouldy old slug. Speaking of which, I had better go and empty the beer traps- our dahlias are a verdant feast for the slimy beasts. But they cant resist a cheeky wee drink and that right there is how they meet their drunken demise. Drowned in beer. Oddly poetic. As the late evening sun streams in through my window, bright blue after hours of pouring rain; I cant help but feel that every day on this earth is a mystery, an adventure, a new opportunity to learn and grow and live. And If the days keep arriving then I'll come along too, grudgingly at times but present and alive nonetheless. In nature I find peace and love and knowledge; surrounded by the gentle encouragement of flowers, strength will find me. And I'll grow. |
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