I'm trying to see the funny side of my silly old life... If i don't laugh, i'll cry.
Whenever i make a plan, i think deeply to get myself used to it, then settle into the new life in my head; something always happens though and it doensn't work out. So its back to square one. Last night alone, i explored the following options: going to Spain to pick olives, flying off to a flower farm in Canada, working in a retreat centre in Woodstock and moving to a small hotel in Perthshire, plus a few others. This morning i have no idea. I never really have any idea. I really do want a job! Something creative and fulfilling. I like working and i work super hard yet here i am on a rainy Tuesday eating rice cakes and playing with my holey shells from Mexico. I have a list of very menial tasks to complete for the day- water plants, make veggie burgers, run, label my lipbalms, hoover, clean the bathroom etc.. Another truly riveting day ahead of me. For some reason the more free time i have, the less likely i am to use the time wisely. How self sabotaging and silly is that? Other people with the amount of time i've had would have written novels, taken up every craft imaginable, read all the books and perhaps learned a new language. Oh well, i've done some things. I still have plenty of years left to become a more balanced and talented human. Plus i'm not other people, i'm Jenna. And maybe i need to stop hoping to become something else and just be this version of me. I'm not all that bad really, rather frustrating and stubborn and a control freak but i'm also kind and compassionate and resilient. I suppose. I'm tired of being embarrassed and ashamed of myself and the life i currently live; things haven't flowed easily for me because i am an unusual little person that took an unconventional route. I like to think of it as less of a path, more of a virgin untamed jungle. It takes a while just to figure out where i am, before i even begin to battle through the vines and weeds obstructing the road. I don't want to live with my parents my whole life, i'm not a total waste of space and nor am i incapable of living alone. I've travelled to some very challenging places on my own since I was 17 years old. I'm putting a few old travel photos in this post to remind myself that i have lived! There is more to me and there is a bigger life to lead but maybe, just not yet. It hit me last night as i was about to go to sleep; until we are truly grateful for all we have, what right do we have to ask for more? I'm not saying that i'm never going to hope for more than i have but i want to incorporate more gratitude for the vast amount of blessings I already have. The happiest people in the world are most often the ones with fewest things, the least money and really, more reasons than most to be unsatisfied with their life. But they are not, they see the small blessings and that is enough to secure happiness for them. When life delivers them greater fortunes, they will be pleased but if things stay the same, they will still be happy. That must be the true essence of peace; content with all you have and all you are. Excuse me i have to go and well, be very not busy. I am grateful for all this down time; when things suddenly click i'll appreciate it all the more. Maybe now i need to live a small life making soup and being an assistant housewife....
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
December 2021
Categories
All
|