Back again, releasing more, spoiler alert: not a happy story. Totally irrelevant sunny garden photos and a wild hike to illustrate.
I think i've been waiting my whole life for all the panic and discomfort to stop, i’ve stalled and paused and postponed. I’ve been waiting for it all to click into place, to feel like i’ve arrived in adulthood, to feel settled and whole, a complete person. I’ve never come close. I don’t think it works like that. The discomfort I feel is in me. Always has been. I’m crawling in my own skin most days, i can’t stand how it feels to be me. I assumed i would grow out of that, it’s actually getting worse because now, i’m acutely aware that i’m almost 28 and still an insecure lost mess. So there’s that. And more. I’ve been thinking about this a lot; why do we judge ourselves by our lowest moments? We use them as proof of our inherent failures; “Ha, see I told you you were worthless and here’s the proof” Enter any example from your memory bank of Bad Things. Fuel for the fire. Why is it so much easier to believe that our worst moments define us rather than our good? All I can think about is how shit I am, I dwell on all my mistakes, the time wasted, the stupid decisions, every negative thing is tattooed in my memory. We forget that there have been good times, there are triumphs and victories that live alongside the bad stuff. They get blocked out by the looming shadows. On a cloudy day, the sun is shrouded, it's obscured but still there. It’s impossible to see but it’s always up there waiting for the clouds to pass. My mind is an overcast day; filled with dark clouds, fog and mist, the sun rarely comes out. I can't find it. I can barely figure out what i really feel because it’s so dark and unclear. I don't know what I am, my perception of myself is impossible to grasp. I see only flaws. Maybe i’m a big grey cloud myself. I’ve hit rock bottom more times than i can count. It’s exhausting, i’m exhausting but that’s the way I am. I’ve managed to kind of, sort of, semi function as a human. I do have some redeeming qualities, I guess. I’ve been a lot of places and done a lot of things, I try to live ethically and authentically. I’ve also done a lot less than i'd like. And that is what I cling to, the lowest ebbs that confirm my deep-rooted belief that I am the worst person on the planet, useless, hopeless, nothing. That’s my true belief and when I stop and allow myself to think (I try not to do that), those are the thoughts that come to the surface and drag me under. I can't escape them. I’ve felt this way since i was a child. Discomfort, self loathing followed by a burning desire to disappear. Sometimes the feelings are dimmer but they’re always there. I keep trying to outrun them, push them away, ignore them; temporary measures to find some sunshine. The clouds return again and again, more accumulate, the storm gets bigger. Why can’t I function, why can’t I do better, why have I created so many issues? Whywhywhy? There’s a whole world full of real issues and i desperately want to help, I know i’m irrelevant amongst it all and i have no right to focus on my own, frankly pathetic, problems. But i cant help myself so how can i possibly help anyone else? Guilt. The storm in my cloudy sky. Fear is the lightning. Anxiety is a gusty wind, swirling it all around. It’s not a happy sky. I’m simply writing what I feel, this is my truth, I can’t sugar coat it, there’s no point. I’m here so i need to work through this and find the brighter skies. Imustimustimust. My thoughts created my reality, I created them, it’s all down to me. Amidst it all is the relief that I am tied to nothing. I can leave, thank god I can always leave. When and where I dont know but i can and I will. Maybe that’s the antidote; new horizons, untrodden roads and no plan. Free to run as long as I can. Find the sun, bask in the warmth and leave the storms far behind. I like that story.
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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