Hogmanay again. It feels like 2020 only just started and now it's ending. I guess it makes sense that a year with no real highlights or particularly good days, simply passes by quietly without much noise or protest. I haven't been in one place for a full year in a long time. A year is not actually a very long time, in the grand scheme of things. I left 2019 (and Australia) feeling happy and positive about the future; needless to say I feel very different this year. I hope things get better but right now it doesn't seem all that likely. I know it's important to stay positive but it's hard to see the point in anything really. It all seems a bit shit. I feel so powerless in the face of it all; my own needs are very minimal and small but have so far been impossible to fulfill. How then, can I believe it's possible to fix the colossal mess of the planet? Obviously, I have no significance and really can't be of any help but, I mean in terms of context; how can we fix such huge problems when such small ones seem just as impossible?
Things are not bad in my life, there's simply nothing going on in my life. I exist, haunting my own days with reveries of the past. I miss things that i know didn't actually make me happy but, in retrospect, I would do anything to have again. My hopes and aspirations have really never changed: I want to live a quiet life near the beach in the sunshine. The other stuff is irrelevant. I only ever dip a toe in the warm blue waters, before I'm pulled away by something, often it's me and my own doubts. But i'm tired, i'm so tired of being unable to live the life I want and not knowing how to make it happen. I'm tired of reaching the end of another year and thinking- "Really, is that the best you could do?" It's not the best I can do, I really have to believe that this is not it. That's been my mantra for years; "this is not it" It's likely part of the reason I feel unsatisfied and unsettled all the time. I'm looking for something; a feeling ,a place, a life that maybe doesn't even exist. But I cant stop seeking it. If I give up the hope that there's something better Out There, then I give up hope completely. You cannot ignore a siren call, it will only get louder. So, onwards we all go into another year that surely must be better than the one we leave behind. May we all find space for joy and progress, whatever that means for each of us. For me; nature, music, creativity, walking, fresh air, daydreams. Remedies for any ailment of the soul. Temporary and with varying degrees of success, but always worth a try. Also moss and teeny tiny planty details; throughout it all the Earth remains beautiful, abundant and infinitely healing.
0 Comments
|
LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
December 2021
Categories
All
|