Yarn- noun meaning: -spun thread used for knitting, weaving, or sewing. -a long or rambling story, especially one that is implausible. Get ready for the latter, this right here is a yarn, my life in fact is a yarn. December has descended dark and chilly and wet. Everyones favourite weather. Just lovely. One of my numerous annoying personality traits is my struggle to be fully present and dreaming of somewhere else. i compare constanly. So while in Asia, i was boiling, sweaty and fed up with it. Now im cold, bundled under a bilion layers and fed up with that. My heart lies neither here nor in the tropics, sometimes in both but not fully. I have too many doubts. I reada great quote recently from Robert Fulghum, the author of "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" he said: "The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. No, not at all. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you are." Theres so much truth in those words. I find comfort in words, both my own and others’. I’ve enrolled in a journalism course, so far i like it but i am a bit scared to have my writing critiqued! Very scared actually, i’ve taken to getting my notepad out, writing a heading and drawing a pretty bubble around it before, reading through the course, feeling equally excited and panicked then rushing downstairs for a snack, getting distracted by literally anything and deciding to try again tomorrow. On repeat. I do write though, i think and i plan and i research, its just putting it all down in one place that is hard. In many ways, i have too much to say in fact, too many things that im passionate about, too many stories to tell. I keep getting in my own way. Doing nothing when you could do anything A guide to being so free, you’re trapped How to live at home and cook for people How to drive yourself mad and make no decisions I changed my mind; my life in a sentence A million things to do except the thing you actually need to Those are just a few possible book titles from my own reverse self help books; these dont help at all, they make you more consfused. I could write a whole series based on my own real life experiences and how to really not help yourself. I actually rather hate self help books, maybe its just me but they are not very helpful. In fact they're preachy and basically say the same thing. Love yourself, listen to your intuition etc.. All easier said than done. Put yourself in the way of beauty
Those words have been circulating around my mind for weeks. Like a mantra. As i struggle to prioritise over where i am or what im doing, i often think location is more important. Then i remember how hard it is to be happy when you hate the job your doing. Society has become so messed up, so geared towards being successful or powerful or whatever that we all forget to just be. Whats wrong with spending days outside gathering your thoughts and acorns, coming home to a simple house to cook, create, read and be at peace. Would we not all be happier with simple, free lives? I never want to lose sight of the joy nature brings, of the spring meadows blooming, fluffy white clouds in a summer sky, crashing waves on sandy shores. I want to be out there in it. My mind screams in protest every time i even think about careers and being super busy and living in the city and all that entails. I cant, its not who i am. I want to live freely but i cant do that either, i feel so trapped in my inability to make a decision, to find a place i want to stay. I desperately want something to latch on to, a reason to stay, to grow, to make a home. I drift constantly because my soul is restless and wont allow me to settle. That's my truth, i know my own flaws very well as they are mine to own, my burden alone to carry. I cant apologise for feeling the way i feel. I have to hope that its going to lead me down the right road eventually. Yarn: A story that is implausible. doubtful, unlikely. That is my story. I have travelled the world, met the Masai, walked alongside elephants, volunteered, explored ancient ruins, swam in tropical waters, meditated, hiked in the Himalayas and so many other am amazing incredible experiences that im so so lucky to have. I pushed myself way beyond my comfort zone, challenged myself, protected myself and and embraced whatever came at me. I was moved and inspired by it all...yet i did not find myself, i did not find answers on my journey. I found more questions. I found anger and pain at the injustice of the world and my life hasn't been what anyone thought it would be. How can i have done so many adventurous things yet still be an anxious confused mess? I don't know but i am. I am. Lets put life into a knitting pattern, take the hat i'm currently working on, and explore what’s woven in the threads. My gran was an incredible knitter, the last thing she made was a beautiful fair isle jumper for me. I treasure it and always will. It took her ages because the pattern wasn't working, there was a mistake with it so it wouldn't join up. She figured it out though, wrote her own pattern and made the most splendid jumper. I’m not the best knitter, i get frustrated by how long it takes, i just want my garment to take shape fully, quickly. That is the flaw. My frustration causes me to give up before the progress can happen, before the pattern is revealed. When i make a mistake i dont know how to correct it so i just unravel the whole thing and start again. But some of it was right, i didn’t need to start again, i needed to learn how to tweak and correct what was already there. So this time, i’m careful to pay attention to the pattern, avoiding past mistakes and knitting with greater care. I’m trying to delicately unravel all the ideas and silly compulsions that dont work for me anymore, that are part of an old pattern that never took form because it was flawed from the beginning. It’s oddly addictive unravelling something, seeing all the yarn slipping through your fingers, you realise how much progress you actually made. Its never a waste though, even if you don't complete the pattern, you can always return to it or reuse the yarn for another project. Each experience teaches us something and we can extract the lessons for later use. Every tiny little thing we do is fuel for our life fire; its only when we stop seeking that the fire goes out. The year end always prompts a personal review, a reflection of the preceding 12 months. 1 year is truly not a very long time, it passes before you have a chance to fully arrive. 2018 was a good year, not all good but yes, on the whole a good year. I am growing. I'm doing life the only way i know how, i'm trying to believe in myself, to find peace within the confines of my existence. It’s not huge, its not happening fast but it is happening and expecting a masterpiece after a few strokes is impossible, unrealistic and dangerous. Implausible. I’m almost finished the hat, i followed the pattern, adjusting only the size to fit my head. Tweaking it to work for me. It was a simple pattern all along, i only needed to look closer. Take heed.
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