Another year gone. By my timeline, it went by pretty steadily until summer, then sprinted full pelt to the finish line. December 31st, the day at the end. Hogmanay always used to be the main celebration in Scotland, Christmas was never really a big deal. Capitalism made sure that changed but still, Hogmanay holds a prominent position on Scotland's calendar. It's not particularly clear why, there's links to Norse celebrations of winter solstice, plus Pagan and Celtic traditions, but its all quite vague. I suspect the Scots' love of alcohol may have a role to play. Whatever the reason, the 1st and 2nd are public holidays here which eases us gently into the new year. Moving gently through life feels like a good idea in general; equipped with a calm, clear mind, we can begin to untangle the complicated and make sense of the madness. Finding the stillness is the first hurdle, especially for a mind high on anxiety and addicted to panic. Stop, breathe in, breathe out, move forward. It's all we can do.
2021. Not the best year, not the worst year. A little bit of good and a little bit of bad, mostly a lot of vast, nothingness and confusion. I'm okay with that. I'm laying low for as as long as it takes. I've learned that nothing good comes from a forced decision; when you know, you know and if you don't, wait until you do. That's my plan. Here are the thoughts i'm choosing to carry into 2022: You don't have to be the best to be good. Adventure does not always have to be grand. Happiness does to have to be conditional. Don't believe everything you tell yourself. Nothing is truly black and white. Things are probably not as bad as you think. Just because there is so much pain and sadness in the world, does not meant you deserve to be suffering too. Its okay not to know what you’re doing, no one is checking, there is no exam to sit or anyone to explain yourself to. Your terms are the right terms. I think; I'm making it up as I go.
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When I was a teenager, I became obsessed with the idea of travelling; of adventures, wild beaches, exotic locations, bustling markets and boundless freedom. It consumed my every thought. I bought a huge map and studied the continents, memorising where every country was and its capital city. I wanted to be totally familiar with the world when I finally got to be a part of it. I had checked out of my life completely and wanted the new one to begin so badly. Life didn't go as smoothly as I hoped it might, but I did get out into the world, many, many times and I really did have adventures. Not always good ones, but I appreciate them all; they are my stories and the things I hoped to gain from travelling most of all. Not because I wanted to show off, but because life itself is a story and we have control of how it plays out, so I always wanted mine to be different.
Depression though, has a way of warping the past; the cruel whispers don't recall all the courage and joy of our experiences, they point out only the mistakes. Of course there are mistakes- we all make them, its the only way to grow and learn. I scrutinize my life choices constantly, wondering what I could have done differently and honestly, I did whatever I could to cope in a world that often felt very alien to me. I didn't know my place so I would return to my travels, create more stories and see new places. It would remind me why I was where I was; rootless because there was too much to see and I could not resist the lure of the world. I think I created a lot of problems for myself, when I decided I did not deserve the life I had. I felt guilty that I was able to travel and explore, despite funding it myself and making sacrifices to enable it. The guilt set in and made me question myself. I think travelling does that for a lot of people, being exposed to poverty and the injustice of the world is hard to witness; I felt totally selfish for being there and being largely, unable to help. I did volunteer, I tried my best to support local people but it never felt enough, I never felt enough. I didn't know how to feel anymore. Being a traveller was my identity and when I felt I didn't deserve it, I took the bit of me I had chosen to create and crushed it into a ball. I wondered if my life was worth anything at all or if I was wasting time and had been all along. I still travelled but a heaviness took over, the excitement was marred by the feeling of having to explain myself and what I was doing. To have a bigger plan and reason. I had no such thing, I just wanted to see the world. That was a valid reason, I see that now. I'm highly critical of myself, I find it hard to see anything good in me and my mind likes to look at my past and point out where I went wrong. Depending on the day, I can view everything as wrong, my whole past a huge big mess precisely because I was present in it. It's a dangerous road to go down; when you invalidate your past you erase yourself. Regretting things you cared about at the time makes your existence irrelevant and a waste of time. You dissolve into nothingness. You just cant do that, you have to find some pride and accept that the past is the past. It might seem embarrassing or stupid or wrong now but it wasn't then, to you. Similarly, when you make every personal 'bad' experience your fault, you become the villain in every situation. There is a big difference between taking responsibility for your part in said situation and being responsible for it all. Don't believe all the stories your mind tells you, you know what's the truth, hold on to that. Even if you're feeling lost or are struggling right now, that still does not erase the times when you felt good, valid, happy and fulfilled. They still existed despite how you feel now. Those feelings will come back. Don't give the past more power than the present. On a good day, with a clear mindset, i'm able to be proud of my stories and proud of the person I was then. I won't allow myself to render parts of my life obsolete. Remind yourself of the good stories, tell them as if you were telling a child. Leave the judgement aside and tell your story the way it happened, without editing your negative feelings into it. Don't taint your past. An anxious, overly-critical mind has a sneaky way of invading memories and warping them into something entirely different than the reality. Your past deserves to be told with truth. You can do nothing about the past, its gone and will never come back. Move forward at your own pace, find the route you want to take, but just move forward. It's the only path we have. I love photography. I've had the same camera for over 10 years (everything I own comes with a history and story to tell) I still use it all the time and feel no need for a new one. I've never understood the need to upgrade items that are still perfectly functional, hence why I wear clothes until they are threadbare and literally walk right out of my shoes. If I like it, I'll just keep it as long as I physically can. I've never bought a phone, I use second hand ones that no one needs anymore and that works for me. My laptop is second hand too and I don't really own anything else big or expensive. Fuck you consumerism. This camera of mine made it's debut on safari at Masai Mara; it captured elephants, giraffes, lions, buffaloes, a cheetah, hyenas, impalas, zebras, hippos all within a few days. We've had good times together. It was almost stolen from me in Pretoria but I fought back, refused to let it go and that slight trauma is part of our history too.
I've been editing some old favourites this month. I have so many. Photos are highlights, they allow us punctuate the uglier parts of life with the beauty that we chose to capture. We can kind of edit our experience, conveniently forgetting the bits that we don't want to remember. Each photo triggers a memory; the taste of a delicious peach, a sight that took your breath away, the distinct scent of a salty sea breeze, the feeling of the warm sun on your face and soft sand under your feet. Magical portals into the past. Despite all my failures, I've been lucky to experience so much beauty and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I really wouldn't. When I take a step back and look at my life without my hyper- critical, I am always wrong and i'm a hopeless person dialogue, it's actually okay. I have thousands of photos of beautiful places, plus the memories that accompany them, a whole drawer of journals packed with stories and no ties to anything at all; really things are not that bad at all. I did what I wanted at the time, without any plan or real idea of what might happen next. It's okay that I did that. It really is. While I still don't know where the future will take me, I do know where I've been.I think remembering the highlights of the last 10 years might just help me get to where I want to go. I'm not done searching yet; life will keep moving and changing if we allow it and flow along with it. I never wanted the ordinary, I actively avoided it actually and I still won't settle for it. I have to believe I'm headed somewhere. My old camera in tow, just in case. August. This has been my favourite month for a long time. I turned 29 (on Friday the 13th but sadly nothing spooky happened) which is fine with me. Although getting older is not something i’m concerned about, it’s hard not to feel like a huge failure by societies standards but I have to remind myself that those standards are not mine. My timeline is different. So yes i'm 29 and still have very little figured out but whatever, it is what it is. Each to their own. I’ll be over here buying myself skipping ropes and daydreaming about adventures and ice cream. In some ways i'm an old lady, in others i'm about 10 years old. What's an age anyway? I just got back from a trip to Ireland to visit one of my favourite people; I met her in a little twin dorm on Magnetic Island a few weeks into my Australia trip. It was the last bed available on the whole island and I only had 1 night there. I had been spending my days walking around trying not to panic, but also totally panicking, while striving to be present and enjoy the beautiful places i was passing through. I had barely met anyone nice and had given up hope that I would, then the Universe sent me Grace. I was alone in the room all evening (I dont go out at night, not on purpose anyway) and had been looking at the massive backpack on the other side of the room wondering who my roommate was and what adventures they were on. I assumed they had been travelling a while due to the impressively large battered backpack and i guessed they were a nature lover but that's about all I could gather. My questions were soon answered when she arrived back late after spending all day on a boat; her name was Grace, she was from Ireland and had been travelling for many months already. We ended up chatting for hours, bonding over our love for solo travel and nature, our dislike for the majority of ‘backpackers’ in this part of Australia and our personal struggles with mental health. Grace has a natural warmth and kindness, it’s impossible not to love her. I knew I’d met a kindred spirit and i fell asleep feeling grateful for the companionship. We spent the next day with her new friend Fred sitting on the deck of his boat in the sunshine before getting the ferry back to Townsville. We were on different schedules but ended up joining up several times and exploring North Queensland together; laughing and adventuring in the sweaty, sticky heat, finding respite in the freezer section of the grocery stores (top travel tip!). I was truly sad to say goodbye to her. We stayed in touch though, sharing our stories as I headed west to Freo to find a job and Grace continued her trip exploring more of Australia, New Zealand and Asia. I had hoped to visit last year then of course, That Thing That Shall Not Be Named got in the way but this year I was determined we would meet again. It felt so exciting to be packing my backpack and getting on the ferry for an adventure! The second I arrived it was like no time had passed and we’d known each other forever. The best feeling after so many dark months feeling pretty lost and hopeless. She took me to some beautiful parts of Ireland, including Donegal, the most Westernly point of the Emerald isle which is a little piece of paradise. It literally took my breath away. Endless beaches, lush green hills, crystal clear water, friendly people and glorious sunshine. We cycled for miles, kayaked through coastal caves, explored walled gardens, hiked to secret beaches, picknicked in some stunning places and enjoyed the easy companionship that comes with real friendship. I don't take good friends for granted and Grace is someone i’m incredibly grateful to have in my life.
It was a magical holiday and I came back feeling recharged and happy. Grace is so rooted and connected to her country which I thought was such a beautiful thing and I loved learning about and experiencing her culture. For somewhere so close to Scotland with a pretty similar Celtic history, it felt distinctly different. I love Scotland but I don't feel that same connection to it, maybe because i’ve always felt so lost here and it’s never really been a positive place for me. No matter what I do, there is part of me that resists and resents being here; I dont know why but it’s a strong feeling that has persisted my whole adult life. I wish I could find somewhere I loved so much I never wanted or had to leave, i think that’s kinda universally what we all want. It’s not that simple to me which is frustrating but just how it is, i’m an unsettled person. I don't mean to be ungrateful, I do know how fortunate I am to have a stable and safe place to call home when a sadly large population of the world don't have any such thing. I'm ashamed that I constantly dream of living somewhere else despite being from a liberal, beautiful country; what right do I have to complain about anything? Like i said I cant really explain why, it's just a loud feeling that demands to be felt. Personally, I think people should be allowed to go where they want and indeed need; where we are born is a lottery that is outwith our control, some people draw the short straw and are unfairly burdened with hardships that the majority of the world cannot begin to understand. It’s not fair. Why does our birthplace give us a privilege we did nothing to earn? While for others, where they were born comes with a barrier they have no power to break down. How is that fair? It's not and sadly that's just life. I wish it wasn't and I wish I could do something about it. The world. Its a mad place. A big swirling vortex or good and bad plus a million things in between. All we can each do is find our anchor amongst it, carve out a place that feels safe, create a home and find peace and purpose within our lives. Hopefully, along the way we find people we can connect with that make us feel less alone and remind us that life is good. Because despite all the darkness, laughter, fresh air, blue skies and friends are truly the things that we, as humans, need. “Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, “You owe Me.” Look what happens with a love like that, It lights the whole sky.”
–Hafiz. I didn't know much about Hafiz until I lived in a retreat centre in Cambodia for a month, almost 10 years ago now, The host/guru/owner, Joel, would recite poetry before dinner every night, the Sufi poets being his favourites. It was such a nice ritual, bringing intention and mindfulness to the evening. I spent the month doing yoga, meditation, meeting some nice people and creating a cookbook for the retreat. It was overall a very positive experience; at that time in my life it was exactly what I needed. I didn't know what I needed then any more than I do now but after months of moving around (from East Africa to South Africa then on to SE Asia before eventually reaching New Zealand), I was glad for the stillness and routine. I loved that Hafiz quote from the moment I heard it. I still hear Joels voice reciting it every time I read it. I find myself missing who i used to be, the easier, less complicated version of me. She's very much gone and i don't like who is left behind. I don't see the point in anything anymore, it all feels so futile; i couldn't go back to a retreat centre and be fully present there. My interest in spirituality faded as I became more disenfranchised with the world, it didn't feel like an answer or a solution to the turmoil, it felt stupid. Self indulgent. Ridiculous. I'm not saying that it is any of those things but once i believed that, i could no longer find comfort in any of it. I locked the door, threw away the key and never looked back. Not a peep. So that was that. Nature, i can always believe in but meditation is for me now, a walk or a run or just time outside. Not hours sat cross legged in silence willing my mind to calm down and be quiet. It would not. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me that all these things that help people really 'find themselves' have been a part of my life for a very long time and actually haven't helped me much at all. Did i find them too early when i wasn't really ready and now i don't trust them anymore? Travel, meditation, veganism, alternative living- solid, trusty ingredients for happiness and fulfillment but evidently, not enough for me. Something has always been missing. I did something wrong most likely; i'm always the problem. It's not really possible to pinpoint the moment you changed or the exact turning point; it can be slow and gradual until one day you realise that you are a stranger to yourself. Your life doesn't feel like yours. You don't want it, didn't choose it; it simply happened. It terrifies me. I don't want this, I can't accept it but what is my alternative? If I had another option, i'd take it but I really don't. The world feels closed off and impossible to reach, I don't know how to get back in. I want back in. How do you propel yourself forward when you are so incredibly lost? How can you find any belief in yourself when you've failed so many times in the past? Can you? I wonder what my life would be if I had the chance to actually live. To settle and grow in a more conventional way instead of living on borrowed time, uninspired, anxious and counting the days until I might be able leave. Until i find something better, somewhere better. Would I be better? Just like my fall out with spirituality, I've similarly convinced myself that i cannot be happy until I live in another country. I cannot turn that belief off, its permanent, unrelenting and entirely stifling. Back to Hafiz, to me, that line means don't expect anything, the earth owes you nothing. Instead, live with gratitude and kindness, accept what you get, its what you deserve, hope for the best? I don't know, I often feel like the exception to the rules. This *insert positive life choice here*will work for everyone but not for Jenna. You're a faulty product and there's nothing for you but an eternity of discomfort and underachievement. No, there's nothing you can do, you cannot control it. Any of it. Yes, you will be embarrassed and ashamed of yourself everyday. That's just how it is. I hope i'm wrong but it doesn't feel like I am. So i continue to daydream of quiet beach towns, flower meadows, abundant fresh produce, sunshine, creativity, bare foot days, endless walks, tall trees, whitewashed walls, colourful textiles, peace to be alone but near some fellow lost souls, also looking for a gentle life. Is it so hard to find? Is part of being an adult not meant to include actually creating a life you want? Do I give up? I know I can't so i'll have to settle for unsettlement until I settle. I guess if nothing else, i'm used to this feeling. Someone send me the guidebook for being a real person, I need some guidance. Summer, again. It both feels like winter lasted forever and like last summer only just ended; its a weird time to be alive. I took a month off; it hurts my routine loving soul, but the month simply ended before I had a chance to notice and then there was no time. So I've let it go. Now here I am. June has disappeared at a similarly alarming rate actually.
Things have been moving, shifting, progressing; slowly but surely. I'm writing for a plant website, creating care guides for all sorts of wonderful exotic plants- its completely fascinating. I think i'm doing a good job; plants make sense to me and i feel like we get each other. Some of my favourites include literally all ferns, (maidenhair and staghorn are particularly majestic), every single Calathea and Brighamia Insignis or the Vulcan palm. I need to talk about this one; its highly endangered in its native Hawaii because the Hawkmoth it relies on for pollinating is extinct. That really struck me as incredibly sad; the poor moth, the poor plant, the poor planet. Yet, begrudgingly, I do have to admit that the fact that there are people who care enough both to know this fact and to continue propagating it without the wee moth, is quite wonderful. In honour of the hawkmoth, we will keep the species going, even if that means the plant grows in greenhouses rather than in the tropical wild areas it belongs. We have to compromise and do the best we can with what we have, it might not be the 'right' way but it's a way. That can be enough. As much as I love plants, they can be really quite high maintenance, it's quite a lot of pressure! They are also a bit too permanent for me, if I buy a plant it means i'm staying where I am, and I cannot commit to such a thing. I'm a plant enthusiast, almost like an armchair traveller; I dabble from a distance. When I do find where i'm going to be (ha- that's unlikely), I will fill my space with so many green leafy friends, it will be more jungle than home- that's the dream. Or a treehouse in an actual jungle then I wont need to buy them, they'll just be hanging out everywhere doing their thing. I wonder how tropical plants feel about living in a pot, far far away from their native habitat, putting up with unnatural lighting, sporadic watering and generally alien conditions. We cant recreate a jungle in our home, we can try, but it will not be the same. Maybe, its okay for them just to exist, even if it is unnatural. The fact that we want to keep them alive and happy is a nice thing. They'll adapt and learn how to survive like we all do. A living organisms main objective is just to live- animal, plant, human, our basic needs are the same. Humans have added a whole new layer of complications to the living thing and I don't like it. I'd rather grow quietly in a tropical jungle, content to accept the conditions of my existence as they are; light, water, nutrients, rest. I'd be a happy plant. Those basic things are no longer enough for us, to simply exist we have to go way above the bare minimums and the need for more never ends. I don't support this #canibeaplantplease. Back to reality; I've been gathering all sorts of blossoms and flowers lately. This is normal behavior for me but usually I arrange them into vases as cut flowers. I still do this sometimes but mostly, i'm preserving them to use in my hoops. They dry out so well and it makes me very happy to have boxes of dried flowers to enjoy all year round. I'm drifting away from cut flowers these days, it feels a little harsh to cut something at its peak, purely for its fleeting beauty. I do really love flowers though, hence the flower hoarding. I seem to spend more time organising all my supplies than actually making anything at the moment, not entirely sure why. Its a very annoying trait of mine; not doing the things I should do for absolutely no reason at all. It's these complex human minds, they really get in the freaking way of being an actual, thriving human. Plants don't procrastinate, they get their growing done then sit all happy and proud, enjoying their hard work and progress. I should take a leaf out of their book (pun intended). That's all really; life is weird, its boring and frustrating and not what we expect, but we carry on with the hope of better days ahead. Shelter, rest, food, water; we're ready to go. To find order amidst chaos, first we need a blank canvas. A clear space to work, to let all thoughts, judgements and fear fall away. Create your own mind palace, an environment that supports growth and intuitiveness; learn to trust this calm, non- judgemental place in your mind, retreat there for guidance. The only one who knows the way is you; learning to read the map is the first hurdle and indeed, challenge. When you find your way there once, you will always know the path and the work can truly begin; to find what you are looking for. In this vast world of boundless wonder and opportunity, there surely lies an answer to most questions. Or at least some ideas. Tap into the energy; find it.
I found these worlds scribbled in a cute little notebook with a bear wearing a backpack on the front and "never stop exploring" printed above it. It was a secret Santa gift from my old boss in Cornwall and quite perfectly chosen. I hoped to have many adventures to fill it with but there's only a few doodles from Thailand and a couple of notes from Australia; somehow adventure has bypassed us both and we are lying forgotten, gathering dust and watching life from afar. I may as well also be in a drawer for all the living i'm currently doing. It's quite depressing to look back and find yourself more lost, more stuck and in need of guidance than before. Yet here i am. Stuck with a capital S. Honestly, I have no idea how to get unstuck because i talk myself out of every idea, convince myself that i'm an idiot and cant do anything and find myself in a frenzied state and panic and distress and still, I go nowhere. Then i panic some more and hate everything about myself and it all gets even worse. The month ends again and the passing time slips between my fingers, as fragile and infinite as grains of sand. I'll never get that time back, it's gone forever, merging with the millions of days that together create a vast expanse of desert; the past. Some people are energised by panic, some are paralysed. I know which one i am. I could really do with that mind palace i wrote about a few years ago; currently i only have a panic palace which is frankly useless and no fun at all. I love to write, i love it so much but apart from this space, i cant do it. I get so scared of being told that i'm not good enough, which i already inherently believe, that i'm too scared to even try. I hate that i'm like this. I cant find any safe space anywhere, danger in the form of guilt and judgement, regret and panic lies around each corner, lurking in the shadows, dwelling deep in my own mind. Always ready with the evidence and proof of my failures. Daring me to challenge it with an evil smirk and a forked tongue. I only really know how to write what's in my mind, my own experiences are right there waiting to be etched in words. At least i cant tell my own stories wrong? Hopefully. I have nothing much else to say, the days keep coming and i fill them somehow. This is not the life i want, but that doesn't mean i don't have a lot to be thankful for. Life is weird, I am weird; still, we move forward hoping to be better and to do better. Exactly like the wise and wonderful Maya Angelou wrote: "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." The bluebells and cacti are totally irrelevant, but nature is pretty so they will always be important. Travellers, on the whole, are environmentally conscious; exploring beautiful places naturally makes them want to preserve them and tread as lightly as possible. As a traveller, you can make ethical choices that minimise the negative impact on the planet, simply by being mindful and informed. By choosing the most responsible options on everything from where you stay, to how you get around and also, what you eat. Global veganism is growing in popularity and, as it’s often regarded as the most ethical way to live, for the animals, the planet and our own health, it makes sense that the number of vegan travellers is also growing all the time. Trying new cuisines and tasting local delicacies is without a doubt a huge and very important part of any trip; one that no one wants to give up. Being vegan does not mean you have to miss out! With a little bit of planning and research, you can still feast on exotic delights, try new flavours and explore the local cuisine. Ethical credentials aside, vegan travel can actually be a really interesting experience and it’s not as difficult as you may think. Read on for a few helpful tips. Here's 5 top tips for vegan travel 1. Do some research. Before visiting any new destination, you will likely be doing some research anyway so it's a good idea to look into possible vegan food options too. Happycow is a great website and app for finding vegan-friendly restaurants and health food stores. These places can be lifesavers, but it's worth knowing whether they are locally owned- ethical travel focuses on supporting local businesses and products made locally too. Eating only imported Western-style foods means that you miss out on regional specialities, so do your research to avoid disappointment. Savvy locals are catching on to the demand for vegan options so don't be surprised to find vegan options in unlikely places! Even seemingly meat-centric regions like Latin America have many naturally plant-based options including rice and beans, patacones (fried plantains) and of course- the mighty avocado. Don't be scared to ask questions, its all part of the travel adventure. 2. Be prepared. Packing some of your favourite snacks from home or a few condiments can make the world of difference. Also bring along a reusable container, they come in handy for carrying cut fruit or leftovers that can make a second meal. Add a reusable straw and wooden utensils to your travel toolkit and you are ready to go! Try to learn how to explain your dietary needs in the local language, simply knowing how to say vegetarian, no meat, no eggs and no dairy should hopefully clear up the confusion. Packing some multivitamins could also be a good idea, especially if you are visiting somewhere you know you will struggle to maintain a balanced diet. 3. Be honest. Talk to people about your views and why you don't eat animal products. Some people won't really get it and that's okay, but open up the dialogue anyway and use it as an opportunity to share your views and perhaps, introduce someone to a whole new idea. Many countries have certain times of year when they abstain from eating animal products, such as during a fast, so they will understand the concept but might not be familiar with the term vegan. It's becoming more common all the time though (the UK has seen a 40% increase in veganism in 2020 alone) so you may be surprised. Sometimes, if you just ask at a stall about their ingredients, they might actually be naturally vegan meaning you get to try something new and support a local business at the same time. 4. Hit the markets! You will always find fresh fruit and vegetables, nuts, spices and tasty snacks, plus its a fun and free activity. Markets are a great opportunity to try exotic produce that doesn't often make it onto menus; the kind of foods that locals actually cook and eat at home. They will find it very funny that you want to buy the cheap local veggies! All over South East Asia you can buy huge slabs of tempeh and tofu for insanely cheap prices- sometimes 10 times less than you would pay at home. Many vendors sell plant-based food without really knowing it e.g coconut milk ice cream, samosas, empanadas, roti, smoothies and roasted nuts. Be ready with your own containers to avoid unnecessary plastic, pack your camera, ask questions and follow your nose!
5. Get cooking! After visiting the market for local vegetables and fresh spices, cook up a storm with the exciting produce you picked up. Cooking for yourself allows you the freedom to experiment with new ingredients and make food to your taste, plus you know for sure that it will be vegan. Many hostels and guesthouses have kitchen facilities that you can take full advantage of, all you really need is a sharp-ish knife and a pot. Even the most primitive surroundings can foster a quick and tasty meal and maybe save you a little money too. Ask at the markets how to cook anything you're unsure about and thoroughly wash your vegetables if you intend to eat them raw, just to be safe. Bonus tip-Relax! Remember that veganism is still very new to many countries, try not to get too disheartened by a lack of choice. The western world spoils us completely and travelling is all about getting out of your comfort zone, trying new things and having experiences you don't normally have. If you can't find houmous or chocolate or whatever you usually love to eat, it will be waiting for you at home. Be in the moment and make the best of what you have. Being vegan isn't about being perfect, it's about doing your best to tread as lightly as possible on the earth. Try to relax and don't beat yourself up if you later realise that something you ate wasn't totally vegan, we can all only do our best. Things get lost in translation, mistakes are made and sometimes, the food is just really bad. It's all part of travelling; embrace it! I did a ceremonial mushroom ceremony this month; after reading and hearing of the power of psychedelics, numerous times, I felt a calling to try it out. It can and does literally lift many people out of depression, making the unconscious, conscious and allowing us to see our lives differently. When we go into an experience like this with an intention, we can create an opportunity to heal and learn from the trip. Indigenous people have used plant medicine for thousands of years, its only been in recent years that humans have abused its power and consequently, these incredible experiences have become illegal, taboo and unacceptable in "normal society".
My new motto; fuck the rules, follow the plants. I didn't have high expectations, I am so tethered to controlling that I worried that nothing would happen, I wouldn't allow anything to happen. I tried to surrender to whatever the experience was, silence my inner sceptic and simply allow the mushrooms in; I did that. What happened was exactly what was meant to; it did lift the depression for a few days and the lightness was such a relief. I could breathe without the crushing darkness suffocating me. I don't completely understand how depression works but I do know its bloody good at making everything seem incredibly hopeless and bleak. So much so that almost everything feels impossible, it's a dementor living in your mind, sucking the joy out of everything. Even the good stuff is behind a veil, shrouded and untouchable. Memories warp into lies and nightmares, I'm not longer sure of what is real and what is imaged or created. It's just so incredibly dark at times. I didn't have a crazy psychedelic experience; it was more of a gentle but wildly colourful journey undertaken entirely in my mind. When i opened my eyes, the world as I knew it, was completely normal. With my eyes closed however, all i could see was colour, dancing, rippling, cascading colour and symbols, apparently choreographed by the music. I felt like i was seeing the music actually. At one point, everything was blue, pale icy blue (maybe it was actually ice, i think it was) with a tiny black speck, like a seed, amidst it which I knew was me. I subliminally asked "help me find the light" and suddenly I reached up and grabbed the sun/ ball of light and everything became multi-coloured, like a rainbow everywhere. Distinct layers of colour. I was the light. The light was me. The music was still playing and i sat with this feeling then at some point, I realised that my mind wasn't all black and dark anymore, the top of my head and all around was tiled with stained glass windows. Light streaming in. 360 degrees all the way around my head, windows with brilliant, radiant light flooding in. There was no darkness in my brain, nothing to hide from. Just light. That was a really beautiful feeling and it lingered for days. The message seemed to be: let it in, let the light stream in a multicoloured rainbow. We are the light. Not because I think I’m a magical rainbow but because if there is light, why linger in the dark? I’ve dwelled in it for so long, believing that, not only did I deserve it, but that there was no way out. I can hold the torch and light my way out, I always could but first I had to know that there was light there. The mushrooms opened that thought up for me, reminded me that we are all energy; I don’t need to know everything I only have to know that the light exists. Photos from happy, sunny, colourful travels. Magical moments captured and treasured. From the top California, Kenya, Mexico, Honduras, South Africa and India. Reverie: noun, a state of being pleasantly lost in one's thoughts; a daydream.
Clouds clearing, light returning, winter fading. It's a slow transition, but it's happening. The first bulbs are blooming, green buds are shooting from branches and the sun is beaming, bright and shiny. With nothing much to say and nothing much going on at all, I look to the past because thankfully there's plenty to reminisce on. While trawling through my archives of half finished stories, ideas, poems and thoughts, I came upon this short passage I wrote after a long weekend in Paris. I think it embodies exactly what I'd love to experience right now. New places, sights, sounds, tastes and freedom to explore. I actually came back from Australia itching to explore Europe; craving the cobbled streets, rich cultures and deep history. Soon I hope. For now, a reverie from a distant but very real reality: Morning in the Marais Sunlight floods the studio, beaming through the glass doors, shadow play on the walls. Its early, the promise of the day, an adventure in waiting. Leaving my sister sleeping soundly, I slip from the room, throw on my running clothes and head out to meet Paris on the streets. The city is waking up around me, maitre ds setting up chairs, facing the road like theatre stalls, shutters thrown open, espresso machines fired up; businesses getting ready. Beneath my feet, the paved road becomes smooth cobbles; I wonder how many feet have tread a path over them; where they went, who they were. Weaving through narrow streets, along sweeping boulevards, past grandiose buildings; the beauty of Paris is overwhelming to my wandering eyes. A peek through open doors reveals a pastry kitchen, the scent of sugar and yeast floods the air. Masters at work. The boulangerie emits similar intoxicating scents, i spy wicker baskets of fluted baguettes, piles of expertly scored and browned loaves line the shelves. Quaint buildings in pastel shades,hand painted signs, creeping ivy climbing the walls, my eyes are hungry for all of it. Eager to see more, I keep running. I reach the Seine and run along the paved bank, by afternoon there will be people picnicking under the trees, sprawled on the grass enjoying the late summer sunshine. But now its just me. My imagination packs a picnic of fresh crusty baguettes, juicy strawberries and perfectly ripe peaches, plump olives with garlic and lemon, glistening tarte aux fraises and sweet pistachio macarons. Later. Crossing the Pont Neuf to the Left bank, the Notredame behind me, the cities’ history is preserved all around me. The most visited city in the world but this morning, its all mine. I read the street signs Rue de Pontoisse, Place des Vogues, Pere Lachaisse; the words feel like velvet on my tongue, I love saying them, finding joy in the sounds not the meaning. They are like France itself; rich, sensual delicious. I return to the Marais, retreading familiar steps to the apartment. I rush back up the tiled stairs and wake my sister with still warm croissants which we eat on the balcony. The sun is up now, illuminating the day ahead; beckoning us to explore and discover the cities secrets. As winter fades into Spring, the air is changing and hopefully with it, the gloom that has inhabited all winter long. We can only dwell in the darkness for so long, as humans we need hope, freedom, interactions. How we have been asked to live is unnatural and it's becoming increasingly unbearable. We need to look forward into brighter days. So here's to exploring sun drenched corners of the world; to carefree days enjoying being alive in the world. Those days are coming again; look for the light and you'll surely find it. |
LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
December 2021
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