I arrived this morning at a beautiful guesthouse in the valley of Etla, near to Oaxaca City. Its a haven here surrounded by mountains and violet Jacaranda trees; i even spotted plump pomegranites and grapefruits dangling from branches along the sun drenched avenues. It's simple and quiet and i'm glad to be here. The owner Michelle, told me that she loves living here more everyday and wouldn't ever consider going anywhere else. How wonderful that must be. I'll be in Scotland in around 10 days, i needed to make a decision and that's what felt right. Better stock up on Vitamin D.
I spent a happy afternoon yesterday flicking through the pages of an old coffee table book of beach house interiors. I couldn't stop myself from smiling at the creativity and beauty of what people had created. What a blessing, to have a space to do with as you please, a place where you will always belong because its your own scared empire. That's my dream. To build my own sanctuary. first in my mind then in reality. It will be full of flowers and rustic wood and exotic finds with loads of windows; like being outside and inside at the same time. One day. Later that afternoon, i passed a few peaceful moments in a lovely old church, Templo De Carmen Alto; observing the devoted worshipers i was happy that they had this space as their sanctuary. We can all find one. I went for a walk today in the scorching mid day heat; the afternoon was begging for rainfall to clear the air. And nature complied, myself and the parched plants were very pleased. For a while i forgot all the anxiety and found my safe place snapping millions of photos under a brilliant blue sky; Mexico is so vibrant and colourful. Taking photos feels to me like extracting a little bit of beauty from a place or a moment, so you can enjoy it later. A reminder of an occasion you felt inspired to capture. Sanctuary is not necessarily a place, it can be a feeling. A safe cocoon that shields you from the harshness that lies outside. It's not about hiding or running away, but simply about collecting yourself and gaining the strength needed to face challenges. I think so anyway. Many flowers, including hibiscus, seek sanctuary in the night. Their petals close up to protect themselves from the darkness then bloom again when the sun rises, revived and ready for a new day. I noticed that for the first time in Mazunte and was completely fascinated, this behavior is known as nyctinasty. what a great word! Nature is my teacher, Earthen wisdom is infinite. The sun is beaming through my open window; a beacon of brighter times ahead. For now, in this moment, i have a sanctuary. And i have 4 avocados and chocolate almonds (not for long...)
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Shells: surrender Shells are formed from fragments of coral that are tumbled around in the ocean, washed up onto shores then swallowed up by the surf again. I've decided that shells symbolise surrendering. They are tossed about in the ocean with no control over where they will end up. In a strange shape too. All they can do is go with the flow and hope to make it safely to shore. That's what life often feels like. I never have been good at giving up control- i have an obsessive need to plan but maybe that's my lesson for now: surrender to what is. I'm not doing so good over here. I'm a blistered peeling monstrosity for starters.Coming here hasn't grated me the freedom i had hoped for; im still the same anxious mess i was in Scotland. I cant see any real value in me staying here right now so i'm formulating a new plan. I'm sad to say that travelling is not bringing me the joy it used to, i believe that in time it will but right now, its adding fuel to the fires of my worrying. Where to go next? What things cant i miss? Should i be out in the sun all day? Am i staying in a Mexican owned hotel? Am i supprting the locals etc.. It goes on. and on. It would seem that no matter what shore I get washed up on, i'm still me and that always brings an abundance of challenges. Being around all these beautiful free spirited folk, I feel like a sunburnt garden gnome. I mean heck maybe they are really just lost souls too but they look like they are having a hell of a lot more fun than me. I dont want to join them though, i'd just like some of their chill. Or any chill. So here i am in a beautiful place and still it isn't enough to shake these horrible feelings. I'm furious with myself for being so ungrateful, so unable to be fully present. All that does is confirm to me that i do not deserve this life and anyone would live it better than me. Those thoughts keep me in this horrible mindset and so it continues. I need to make some serious changes and soon. I know for sure that I have a problem now, my feelings are not rational and they are not entirely within my control. My challenges are my responsibility but i do not need to blame myself; who would choose to feel this way? I imagine myself like a shell. The kind with a big hole in it; the part i've lost. The ocean of life can swallow you up at any moment and deposit you on whatever shores it sees fit. Sometimes you'll stay a while, sometimes you'll be engulfed in the white froth and taken after a short stay. That's life right? I think all we can do is roll with it, when it feels time to jump in the ocean again, do it. If if feels better to lay on the sandy shore, do that. Just be true to yourself. Yet again, as i decided to write about shells, what do i find outside my room? I am so incredibly grateful for that little reminder that the Universe is listening to my sorry tale. Of all the incredible beaches i have visited, i have few photos of shells for some reason. So i had to go take some. The sand here is strewn with lots of little shells, many of them have holes already in them- made for jewellery! I tried making some earrings but my heart wasn't in it and i thought they looked rubbish. Figures. Yep, so my Mexican adventure is being redirected, I feel i have no choice- im drowning. As is always the case with me, all my decisions are marred with uncertainty and doubt. What if i leave and miss something incredible? But i can only go with how i feel and i dont currently feel able to be here and enjoy it; is it giving up? Yes in a way it is but im not sure i care. I can always come back when i'm ready; you will never be exactly the same person in exactly the same place again. No shell will wash up onto the same beach in the same shape either. The journey sculpts us a myriad of ways. Who you are currently and how you feel now is the only thing that matters. All i have ever wanted was to feel a sense of peace and purpose instead of this deep emptiness that shrouds my whole being. I think the world is trying to tell me that i can only find that by making peace with who i am. I already knew that. But If i cant truly make a commitment to accept myself then i'll stay stranded on my sad little island with no respite from the blazing heat of my anxieties. I dont want that, i'm ready for change. I'll do what it takes. It would appear that i have to go across the world before i will take heed of the things i already know very well. Typical Jenna; always taking the longest, most obscure route.
I can hear the birds sing, I can see the blue skies and turquoise ocean, i can smell the flowers; why isn't that enough? I want it to be so badly. I don't want to feel hollow and worried about everything, I wish I could just turn my thoughts off but I cant, right now I simply cant do it. I'm not able to make good rational decisions so i'll leave it up to the ocean to carry me to my next destination. Each new place and new experience teaches my something i need to know; i have to believe that it is all meant to be. Like the ocean does to shells, life molds each of us, it smooths out our edges, punctures holes in us and often leaves us disorientated. Its up to us to find the meaning and discover why we are where we are. I am one heck of lost little shell; is it better to stay lost or throw your self back into the ocean and see where you end up next? Maybe the next time i'll arrive on the right beach, i'll come home to myself. White chrysanthemum: truth, veracity Chrysanthemums are flowering plants of the Asteraceae family. They have been cultivated in China for thousands of years but are also native to other parts of Asia and northeastern Europe. Apparently an arrangement or vase of white mums in your home will encourage you to always tell the truth. The composition and number of petals changes the shape of the flower so their appearance can vary quite drastically. Life and flowers delicately entwined again; no matter how many petals, the flower is the same and underneath layers of pretense, the truth is always there at your core. Chrysanthemums are not flowers that everyone likes but then again not everyone likes the truth either so it works. The words i write here are my absolute truth, please do read to the end of this post as there is a happy ending i swear. I've been sitting on this post for weeks now, I just didn't have photos then lo and behold, i get here and what do i find outside my room? The Universe never stops playing. I think its important to live authentically, vital in fact. Why is it so hard to live our truth? Are we all so caught up in seeming like we're happy, seeming like we're successful, seeming like we have it all together that we forget how it feels to be truly happy and content? I've been struggling because my life was not right for me, it didn't fit. I simply didn't care about the life I was leading. I dont want the stuff, the status, the money- none of it is real. I longed to run on the beach and dig in the dirt and feel connected to the Earth- that's what makes me feel alive. For months, in fact maybe years now, my whole being has felt grey and faded, like im being erased from my own life. I've been uninspired and struggling to do any of the things that make me me. So i dont feel like me. I often wonder if there are more people out there that see through the lies that society feeds us. Well i know there are loads but how do they manage to find peace and happiness amidst it all? Why do i need a big house, a mortgage, a husband, 8 million different cosmetics, drugs etc? Why do i need to get a degree and acquire all the silly little bits of paper that prove im intelligent? I might not need them but the society we live in thinks i do. I have none of those things so I feel invalid and really quite alone at times. I don't like the same things as the majority, i seek silence and solitude and just something more. Ultimately, we all want true unconditional happiness; I just dont know what that means for me or how to find it. I refuse to be a part of this silly game of life yet i must because whats the alternative? How do i make my existence bearable? How do i force myself to be excited about a life im not comfortable living? How long can you continue living a way that feels all wrong to you?
How do you find answers when you dont believe there are any? Belief is such a powerful thing, without it, change is but an illusion. I happen to think that often illness is a product of lifestyle, if we are unhappy our bodies display physical symptoms and I manifested myself pneumonia. It literally floored me- no running, no distracting myself with menial tasks, I needed to just do nothing. I hated it. Its still affecting me now, I tried to run and it was agony. My body gave up on me, it had had enough and I dont blame it. I need to listen, to reconnect with my true self and only then will I be able to move forward. No one said life was simple or easy but through being 100% yourself, you'll find something real and fulfilling. Don't allow yourself to exist as a shadow, our world needs you as the brightly coloured being that you are. Through feeling all of that, i found a kind of answer. Leave. Pack up and go in search of truth and sun. So i quit my job, dusted off my trusty backpack and battered sandals, reveled in their glory and off I went with pneumonia in tow. Now i'm in Puerto Escondido, Mexico staying in a beautiful place a million times nicer than any hostel (gracias padres). I'm convalescing if you will. I still struggle with anxiety about my life and the future and stifling feelings of being wrong in every way, but i'll get there. The sun shines bright every day, birds sing sweetly and flowers blossom on every corner. I can feel some colour returning to my soul (not just red from my sunburn) and after many deep breaths and a whole lot of self doubting, I think i've made the right choice. Strip it all back and stand tall. Who are you without all of the conditions our society has placed on us? What are your opinions? Your desires? Does having a fancy car actually make you happy? Why do you need more money? Is whatever you are stressing out about actually worth the pain? Its scary at first to feel that exposed but we all need to reassess our souls. If you are unhappy, change it. Our lives are ours to lead, there is no manual so whatever you want to do is totally valid and wonderful. Go and do it. We are individuals and we dance to the beat of our own drums. Listen, feel it pulse through your veins, dance until your souls sings. |
LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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