Greehouses: A greenhouse (also called a glasshouse) is a structure with walls and a roof made mostly of a transparent material, such as glass, in which plants that require regulated climatic conditions are grown. A very early type of greenhouse was devised by those crafty Romans so that the emperor Tiberius could eat cucumbers everyday. I'd love to see it and try the cucumbers they grew! Records from 15th century Korea, show the use of greenhouses to grow mandarin trees. The french used to call greenhouses orangeries as they were principally used to keep their orange trees from freezing. These days there are enormous greenhouses spanning many acres, largely in Holland actually and used for growing vegetables and of course, tulips. I thought 47,000 was a lot, i shudder at the thought of how many bulbs might be in there. The Victorian era, a time when botany was very fashionable, bore many elaborate glasshouses including Kew gardens; wealthy folk and botanists themselves competed to build the most impressive structures. That sounds familiar, humans are so competitive, no matter the era. A French botanist is credited with building the first modern greenhouse to grow medicinal plants in Holland. I love greenhouses. They are warm spaces full of soil and life. The earthy scent and heat is a dream combo. As being outside is vital for me, not just for the fresh air but the light too so when its cold, a greenhouse is paradise on earth. I can shelter and still bask in the suns warmth; outside but inside at the same time. I’ve spent many an hour sowing seeds of all shapes and sizes, filling trays, watering, repeating. I like to imagine that i’m a plant mother, gently tucking each seed into their earthy bed and creating a nurturing space for them to begin life.I have visited a fair few, perhaps not the most elaborate of famous examples but special all the same. Even when empty they are sundrenched spaces of soil crusted pots, fading plant tags and empty seed packets; relics of past growing seasons. It strikes me, and really if anyone were to have this thought, it would be me, that the little plants are in a state of limbo while in the greenhouse. They often begin their life in this sunny warm place only to be transplanted outside later. What a shock! Suddenly the air is colder, the wind whips their leaves and its all different. Only it looks the same; the sky is still above them but its bigger, vaster, more vivid. The glass creates an illusion that must be hard to understand as a little plantling. They do it though, the adapt to the new world they have been thrown into and they grow. Its pretty impressive. The discomfort i wrote about last time; I know that i must just make peace with it, this messy confusing world is the reality and i live in it. I can’t change that so i have to change me, to shape and mould myself into something more pliable and suited to the climate. I cant live in a safe, warm, protected greenhouse, that’s not life, it’s not real. I want to know the raw truth, i actively sought out the harsh realities and that, ladies and gentlemen is uncomfortable. I wish that i was different and didn't need many of the earthly comforts im accustomed to but i do need them. I'm sorry but i need some of it and i cant help that. I have such admiration for those that can live totally off grid and not need anything but to me, that actually feels like a trapped life, not a free life. I want to explore, try new things and move around at will. I dont like to buy anything permanent, meaning i only buy things i can eat/ use. Is that weird? I also dont like to tie myself into anything permanent, even a few months feels like a pretty big deal deal to me honestly. In my heart i know that this mindset stops me from rooting but i don’t think i want to root. I’d like to wait in the greenhouse all cosy and warm, nip outside every now and then before coming back to the safety. But that is not how a greenhouse works, you cant hide in them; the glass walls create warmth and safety but they cant conceal the world outside. It must be faced so bask in the heat, let it strengthen you then step out that door. Maybe that’s life itself, some of us begin our earthly existence in a sheltered manner, others are exposed to hardship early on. We don’t get a say as to which category we fall but we all grow and mature regardless. I cant help that i was born into a privileged life, i just was and the smothering guilt i feel about it is unfounded. Does my good fortune make me undeserving of a happy life? Does being born into a hard life make you a better person instantly by virtue alone? No of course not. We become who we are regardless of where we come from right? We can’t use our pasts as an excuse- we each stand here living and breathing, trying to figure life out in whatever way we can. Im sorry that we dont all have equal opportunities, i wish we did but what am i supposed to do? Resign myself to a life of self imposed poverty as punishment for not having had to suffer that since birth. Its absurd but that’s what i’ve always thought; that i deserved to struggle because i had a nice childhood. I think my brain might be inside out. That’s enough madness for tonight.
I’m having a really hard time with myself at the moment creatively, physically, emotionally- all of it. I’m questioning whether i want to live here anymore, i dont think it’s making me any happier. I feel like i’m losing myself. The only (healthy) things that help are walking and writing so im trying to do a little of both as often as i can. I walk to come back to myself and i write to make sense of what that is. I’m uncomfortable, im uneasy, im anxious, im confused but im here, im alive and i get up each day and try. I smile/ grimace through it and do what i can because that’s all i can do. I dont live in a greenhouse, i live in a difficult world full of challenges, as we all do, some of us just feel it more than others. I did have a sheltered, sunny start to life and i cant feel guilty about it anymore so im releasing those feelings. I stayed at my lovely friends cottage last week to look after their cats and chickens while they are away; i hit rock bottom again so i was glad for this sunny homely space to retreat to. It’s a good job i was alone, anxiety spirals are not pretty. The cats barely noticed. I felt better for it though, prepared to brace myself for reality again, reluctantly but hopefully. Like all those little trays of seedlings, the ones that are shooting up through the soil and ready to be hardened off for the next phase of their lives: growing outside just as nature intended. They don’t need the greenhouses’ protection anymore, just faith. So here’s to greenhouses and safe places, sanctuaries and havens; we may not be able to reside there forever but the refuge they provide strengthens us. Brace yourself, step outside and believe in your ability to survive. We got this.
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Sunday again. I went a walk to the reservoir this morning to gather some moss and lichen (for making the tiny useless things i’ve been creating) and breathe the fresh air. And fresh it was. Despite the glorious sunshine all morning, within a few hours thick snowflakes were falling fast and carpeting Penryn in a white frosty veil again. Thank goodness for heating. But for my warmth, precious fossil fuels are being used so its bittersweet. I've been at a loose end all day so thought i might as well free my wild mind and let my thoughts run openly here. This week has felt weird, i'm not sure why. Maybe the moon. Or the sun. The stars? I've had strange dreams all along the theme of injustice ultimately. i've tried to write but nothing is flowing. I feel like i just want to either zone out or walk and walk and walk. I get too cold but sometimes i dream about just getting rid of all my stuff, packing a little bag and walking forever. Like Forrest Gump but slower. Or Cheryl Strayed but without monster (her giant pack). It just all feel so pointless sometimes, so futile and ridiculous. Everything we do as humans affects someone or something negatively and i hate that. I have many controversial opinions and my principle belief is that we humans are not really that important, not at all. The earth was here first, the forests, the rivers, the oceans and all the beings that lived that lived in harmony for centuries. They are what is worth preserving. So i find it hard to believe that each of us doing whatever it is makes us “happy” is the point of life. Many people are selfish you see and greedy, their desires are toxic and damaging. They want more money, bigger houses, more stuff etc.. What good is that to the earth? What does that say about humans? I do believe that we all deserve to be happy, of course we do but at what cost? Not everyone longs to keep the earth sacred and protected, they don’t actually care at all. That’s the issue. The ego and the greed that plagues us as a species. That’s what i think, im sorry but actually im not. I know there are many wonderful people but they are dragged down by those that think they are entitled to whatever they want, regardless of the consequences. Dangerous people. Some other gatherings from my mind pool-I think that being a human is a pretty uncomfortable experience, we all feel too much. We have our physical feelings to care for as well as the shitstorm raging in our heads. We continually invent things to make our lives easier, our existence more comfortable. But maybe it’s through the discomfort that we learn, that we discover important truths that we need to know. That’s why we're here- our ancestors lived difficult, uncomfortable lives but they survived. Daily life is so easy now, our every need is catered for but it leaves our minds idle and for some of us, we yearn for more. For something primal and real. An aching need to forge our way and leave a mark somehow, so our lives don’t feel so empty and meaningless. HOW DO I DO IT? Please can i just be a hummingbird in my next life; i think i'd be good at flying around the tropics, drinking nectar from the flowers at my will and leaving nothing but a gentle hum of my beating wings. I could do that. This week before the snow, lots of little buds opened. My garden, ahem well, the concrete strip between the gate and the front door, has a fair few trees growing on each side. They were hiding under their winter coats so i had no idea what they were. Turns out that right beside the magenta camellias there's a towering peirus japonica, a twisty spiraea and something with variegated leaves. Plus a little bay tree crouching in the corner. Foliage friends. I’m glad to have them.
I’m cold, im confused, i’m bored. I want to run to a sun drenched island and live in a treehouse but then i also want to tend an ancient cutting garden and create a home. I want to be alone but don’t like my own company at times. Its monday tomorrow and i’d rather it wasn’t. C’est la vie. Here's a poem: In our bloodstream, we are wild in our bones, we long to be free to be tethered, tied and static we forget who we used to be modern life lets us forget, black out And ignore what is clear to see. step back and glimpse the wider view notice a flower, a seed, a tree the moon, the sun, the earth that' s true treasure, can we agree? no map to read, no lock to pick for the truths lie all around; the key- Just look up, look down And breathe. Peace and flowers. It struck me today and not for the first time, that being outside in nature is so healing. I feel like i've been reset after a good old stomp through fields or along beaches; by the end i feel like i've come back to myself. The freedom of being out under a vast blue sky is a wonderful thing. How do people cope with jobs they dont like? It claws at my soul ,leaving me itching and uneasy, even on my days off, the lingering knowledge that i have to go back again lurks close by. I think its the fact that i dont get to choose when to go, i have to be there. Im a wild being and i dont like that rigidity. Its not even the job, its how i feel when im there. Its always me and my over sensitive feelings, i mean geez could we not just toughen up and get on with it!? Ah well, this week i walked from St Austell via Porthpean to Pentewan. I spotted 2 beautiful little deer today, some tiny little birds and marvelled at the seriously beautiful scenery. It was pretty hard work; there's no such thing as a flat walk in Cornwall, well if you love to walk along the cliffs like me anyway its rather arduous. So.many.stairs. Still no running (the pain is fading though!) so a good stair workout is not a bad thing. Reallllyyy though,I dont know what im doing. Why am i working in a cafe when there's a great big old world to explore and so many beings that need help? There's this lingering sense of unease that follows me and i cant shake it off. Its a feeling that this i not right. I've felt it almost everywhere ive been and i truly dont know what it is im supposed to do. Do i stay and figure it out or leave and try again? I've written these words so many times because they are constant and i still dont have the answer. I want to find the answer but i just dont know where to look anymore. I’ve tried staying and i’ve tried leaving, the feeling remains. Hopeless wanderer. I have a recurring dream; each time its slightly different but basically im somewhere i shouldn't be. I get caught then i try to explain why i'm there. There's always an excuse and kind of a good reason why im there. I wake up feeling very very odd. The first time i had it was in Nicaragua at Lake Ometepe, i felt weird all day and really guilty. It was probably around that time when anxiety was starting to spiral out of control and i was really not sure what the heck I was doing. So i guess it kind of makes sense. What does that mean though? Am i in the wrong place but for there's a reason for it? Is it just my guilt for being born and raised in the western privileged world and feeling like i don't deserve it? Or just a silly dream? Its mothers day today, so i sent my lovely mamma a box of handmade things. I absolutely love creating gifts for people, it brings me so much joy. I wrote a poem too. At the turn of the season as the dark turns to light, a celebration of mothers at this time seems quite right, gently nurturing & always caring through each day and each night, we were tiny seeds beneath the soil now standing tall and rooted tight. So thats my sunday thoughts. Its a bit rainy here today so i’ve made some raspberry kombucha, took a wander to the shops because I like to buy excessive amount of fruit and veg- seriously who needs 8 bananas? Me. I rescued a sweet narcissus tete-a tete that was all sad and dry (i’ve re-potted him and gave him a good old drink and a moss scarf- looks much happier). Then I ambled through the park, foraged for some wild garlic, came home and made some chocolate almond and goji berry bark which is my new favourite thing; i literally have to make it several times a week because im insanely greedy and lack chocolate self control. Now im just faffing and trying to organise my life. You know, Sunday activities. I was not aware that my flatmates were home as i didn't hear anyone come in, so i was being very loud this morning and really going for it in my HIIT workout, literally jumping and leaping all over the place (not gracefully either, for a small person i have very heavy feet) with music on as well. They must hate me. Oops. It felt great though so no je ne regrette rien. Nunca. Sundays come around so quickly, it always shocks me a bit that another week has ended/ i made it through another one. I think that's the very issue, i feel like im just surviving, not thriving and that's not enough im afraid. I think if you are not happy yourself and you're not really doing anything to help make anyone else happier then what exactly are you doing? Huh?! Yeah i dont know either. |
LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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