As the seasons change hands, the sun does a little changing too. Bright summer days have been replaced with the sepia tones of Autumn. The autumn trees are dappled with the warm tones of sunset, encapsulated along every street. The light feels different too, the sun has dipped lower in the sky and beams from a new direction; its rays gentler than those of the summer months past. Muted and subtle, selectively shining; between the mint by our pond is a sun-drenched dream when the time is right. The sun seems to totally miss our garden in the Autumn so moments like that are a real blessing. Nature draws parallels with itself; the fading of sunlight marks the end of the day and beginning of night. The fading leaves, transforming from green to borrowed hues of the setting sun, bodes the end of one season and the beginning of another. In nature everything has a place, each act has meaning and significance. All valid and vital. A sky of embers, fading fast Melting into coal grey clouds Night approaching, the suns final performance Exploding across the sky, heralding the next act A silver white orb rises; ready to shine. October 2016 These eyes of mine have watched many a sunrise and many a sunset. My favourite time of day is twilight, the moments right before the sun disappears and the earth is bathed in brilliant orange glow. The official definition of twilight: the soft glowing light from the sky when the sun is below the horizon, caused by the reflection of the sun's rays from the atmosphere. Pure golden beauty. I have a vivid memory of one of the longest, most challenging days of my travels; I was heading to Malawi from Iringa in Central Tanzania. It was a hellish journey frought with delays, military road barricades, a million different rickety old buses and an awkward border crossing. I was frustrated, tired, hungry, fed up with people staring and laughing at me (i dont at all blame them, im sure it must have been quite a novelty to have a small sweaty white girl on your daily bus journey) and on the verge of a breakdown. And this restless human was done with sitting. Leaving the border town of Karonga in the relative comfort of a share taxi (I had a whole seat to myself!) i remember sighing with relief, the worst was over and Mzuzu was getting closer. Rural Malawi blazed past my window, snatches of red earth, colourful chitenges and the scent of dried fish filled my senses all swathed in the warmth of twilight. The earth literally glowed as the sun sank and in that moment i was happy; the day melted away and i was exactly where i wanted to be. Nature does that; it captivates you, leaves you breathless and time stands still. True magic. My recent weeks have found me volunteering at a flower farm right here in old Glasgow; there aren’t a lot of flowers if i’m honest and my first few visits were a tad underwhelming. They were in need of some help with the creative side of things so I've been picking and arranging blooms from various sites around the West end. It's been lovely to do some arranging again, despite initially fearing that i was doing a terrible job and worrying about everything, at the end of the day-any flowers is better than no flowers. In all fairness though, we didn’t exactly have loads to work with and our vases weren’t the best; they were certainly not on par with the antique jugs at the manor! We did our best with what we had and that’s all we can do. That surely must be one of my biggest lessons to learn in this lifetime- your best is enough. I am enough.
Each night before i fall into an exhausted slumber i ask the universe to help me find a way to do some good with the skills i possess. For years i felt like i was so lacking in any skills that i must have to study or be totally different before i could possibly be of any use. But i don't think so now; yes i'm sure i could benefit from some more skills but i'm working on being enough as i am so this is it. Here i am. I cant compare who I am to anyone else because they are them and i am me. I didn't go to university, i went on a quest for freedom. I didn't stay on any path, i meandered all over; I climbed hills and traipsed glens, I fell in the ocean, I got lost in deep forests and even when I emerged, I was still lost. Some of us are wanderers and that's in our souls. When we try to fight it, life fights right back and wont allow it. But how does a wanderer who desperately needs a sanctuary as well as boundless liberty, find some peace? The two sides are at war, one wants to stay and the other wants to go. I do know that peace is a state of mind, not a place. I know that i probably possess the answers myself. And yes, i am aware that meditation could help, but honestly? I don't want to sit in stillness with my thoughts raging around my mind; they are cruel and unrelenting. Its bloody hard to bear and i just cant do it. Wont do it. Maybe one day i will. The conflict is rife these days, one side may have to surrender and i don't know which i want to win. I think I write this really because, personally when i hear of others who are struggling, i feel so much less alone; if anyone was to stumble upon these words and find even a little comfort, i'd be so glad. I do love to read success stories and i am happy for those who are out there doing their thing. Its just that, you cant help but feel like a huge failure when you see others with their own businesses, getting married (not a goal of mine ever but you know, its what you do when you're on The Path), buying homes, just out there living with seemingly such ease! And happiness. Here I sit overwhelmed by my very small life, full of worry and panic and guilt and shame, then more guilt and panic for being given so much and doing so little with it. That toxic cycle renders it impossible to make progress, it paralyses me and i have no idea how to set myself free. I thought that living a life free from rigid structure would make me happy, but my anxious mind has found ways to shackle me anyway so i don't feel free. Ah the perils of being human- in my next life i'd prefer to be a real little bird please. My restless soul could soar through the sky at will, a first class seat for sunset every day. For now though, my Autumn wanders have gifted me with late blooming anemones, rose hips, hawthorn berries, crunchy leaves, brilliant blue skies and marvelous sunshine. Breathe deep, inhale the fresh air, be present in this moment and allow the future to come as it will. The sun will set, the moon will rise and new days will arrive. Keep your head up and your hopes high.
1 Comment
7/5/2019 07:00:58 am
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LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
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