Heres a story. Theres a happy-ish ending here i promise but first, the tale of my (most recent) demise: I’ve been falling apart. Or falling back together, not sure yet. Probably the former. I’ve hurt my left thigh/ inner hip joint and i haven’t been able to run for 4 weeks. Frustrated is an understatement. I’ve been doing other exercise but i just miss running so much, i dont feel like myself without it. My routine has been thrown out the window and i dont like it one bit, my heads an even bigger mess than usual. It started when i smashed my favourite bowl after an already really crappy day. I spilt green soup all over myself too. All i could do was sigh and clean it up. That was the final straw, i started to feel sick not long after then woke up feeling awful. I had a fever; my every movement was like walking through thick sticky mud, my head was pounding, my stomach churning and my whole body aching all over. I made it to work but quickly realised that i needed to go home. The walk back up the hill to the station nearly ended me. A whole day in bed with no exercise was hard but i had to. it made me realise that i can’t remember the last time i literally did nothing, im always running towards something that i never actually reach; trying to stay busy so that maybe, just maybe i can feel good enough. Just for a day. But of course i never do and then the next day i have to start again, the endless race for okayness. Its a race i dont think i even entered. As i lay awake ruminating, i realised what i felt was broken and confused. Like fragments of a jigsaw that doesn’t fit together and never will. You know all the random pieces of lots of puzzles that get jumbled up and all thrown into one box? (Who are the monsters that would put something away in such a manner anyway?!) They are all in the same place because no one sorted them out, so it seems like they should form a complete picture but they never will. Its lots of separate pictures all fighting to finish their story; lost pieces trying to feel whole. I cant make sense of anything, my thoughts, what i want from my my life, my feelings, any of it. All the little pieces are in conflict and dont want to work together, they talk over each other, contradict one another and fight amongst themselves. How can i put the puzzle together when the pieces are so messed up? The final picture could be so many things, its not clear which one they are trying to complete;i dont know what it is i want my life to look like so how can i make it a reality? Maybe im not running towards an impossible destination but instead, trying to fit things together that simply cant; either way its not working. I feel slightly better after my days of rest so of course i then felt guilty for not going to work or trying to exercise plus plenty more. See? What is that? Its constant. A new guy has moved into the flat too, he seems fine so far but time will tell. I hate being so out of control of who gets to live here. I just dont even know if i want to live here anymore, i dont know that i feel much happier than i was in Glasgow. I dont want to just work in a cafe, i miss the world, the sun, the palm trees, the quiet adventure i found in exploring on my own terms. Why has my puzzle never been solved? Are all the random little pieces just energies i’ve picked up and carried with me; is that why im so confused and disorientated? Maybe they aren’t pieces of my story, or part of my life at all. Need to clear out that box and clarify what the end goal is, only then can i make it a reality i guess. How do you know what to work towards when its all hazy and misshapen? Being ill and bed bound is my worst nightmare. I was stuck with myself and no distractions. It was a rough of old night trawling through the dark filing cabinets of my mind and discovering all sorts of dusty hidden truths. I took them out, reluctantly had a good look then stuffed them back in there, filed under “to deal with later” End of chapter, now the sun comes out a little.
After my 2 days battling a fever and my thoughts, life became a little clearer. The days off were actually blessing, i needed to gather myself. Whatever illness i had was likely manifested by my subconscious to slow me down. I woke up bright as a daisy, went out a walk on the beach and remembered what drew me down here in the first place. I inhaled the salty air, collected shells, scrambled over rocks, formed new ideas and sunbathed on a soft grassy cliff side. It was blissful. I didn’t even mind that i couldn't run, i just limped along quite happily. As i was heading back to the train station, 7 geese flew overhead; i watched them as they passed gracefully through the cloudless blue sky. 7 is my lucky number, geese scare me a bit but apparently as spirit animals they will appear when you need to get your sense of direction back to better steer your life, or you need to evaluate your priorities and see if you are still on course towards your life goals. Very fitting. I clearly need some geese spirit helpers. So ive decided that the picture on my puzzle box, the one im going to work on right now, is going to be 7 geese flying through a blue sky over the ocean. They dont know what will happen in the future, instead they focus on the present and move with focus and intention. I lay awake for hours that night thinking about how nothing is a mistake. Back to the old filing cabinet i went. I don’t think i want i run everyday anmore. I’d trapped myself into a box that limited myself to doing just that and actually if im honest, its been quite freeing not having to run every day. Did i feel strong and fit every time i went? No, often i was tired and the runs were just necesssity, i wasnt building endurance or improving. So perhaps when im able-bodied again, i’ll heal my relationship with running and find ihe joy in it again. Without my need to run everyday, suddenly ideas of going to jungles, mountains and rural retreats is opening up- that is freedom. I can have breakfast as soon as i wake up should i want to! Maybe me and all my jumbled pieces needed to be free from the box entirely so they could each find their destiny; we dont all have just one path or one dream, we can live them all just not all at once. I swallow my feelings down and try to avoid them so when i was forced to do nothing, every feeling has hit me at once- im a lady of extreme but thats just me. 2 days of hard think time can help shed a lot of light on ones life. This was a few weeks back now, i still cant run and im still not entirely happy with my life. But i feel like im changing, i'm not willing to settle for things that dont make me happy anymore. So im keeping that in mind and trying to cope with each day as best i can. I do some stretches in the morning now and i’ll always fit a walk into my day so im still staying a bit active. Maybe i'll go to the gym sometimes. Maybe i wont. Maybe i’ll plan a big adventure or maybe i’ll stay right here. But im done putting myself last, ive been speaking up for myself and that feels good. I have a lot to offer so why shouldn't i expect a lot in return? Why waste any more time accepting what is frankly not good enough? Flower season grows closer everyday- quite literally. If i can find an opportunity to surround myself with something i love then maybe a few more little pieces will fit together. I miss the smell of the soil, the feel of soft green grass and the joy of holding fresh cut bunches of flowers in my hands The whole thing about life that is so wonderful yet so frustrating is that it’s always changing and moving. Its never complete, there will always be more to do, new challenges. The only thing we can do as the player is devise a strategy to cope; we cant do everything all at once, we cant solve every jigsaw when they are all jumbled up but bit by bit we can fill in the corners or maybe a few edges. Sometimes just a few pieces slotting neatly together is all we need to set us on the right track and show us what we are aiming for. i’ve felt like nothing in my life was working but actually, i wasn't being clear about what i wanted or needed. It took taking a step back to see it but i do see it now. I lacked clarity and intention. I’ll struggle again, battle my own vicious thoughts (read: not running every day because i literally cant, doesn't make you a fat slob) and lose sight of what’s really important; but maybe if i can look at life differently i’ll see that i haven't fallen apart at all, i’m just painting a new picture to put on my box. When i have that visualisation, its much easier to start putting it together, piece by broken piece.
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
LittlebirdJenna. Free spirit, flower enthusiast, seeker of truths. Archives
December 2021
Categories
All
|